Why Do I Do This?

 

I mindlessly click. 

Facebook. 

Work email. 

Personal email. 

Inbox. 

Junk mail folder. 

Bank accounts. 

Text. 

Back and forth. 

Back and forth. 

As if something new is going to pop up in the minutes since I last checked. 

Why do I do this anyway?

 

I hold my breath. 

I scroll my feed. 

What has someone said now?

Is it true?

Is it uplifting?

Is it asinine?

Does it make my blood boil?

Does it punch me in the gut?

Do I respond?

Why do I do this anyway? 

 

I lay in bed. 

I toss and turn. 

My legs jump. 

My mind wanders. 

I fall asleep and 

Dream of going to work naked 

And arrows being shot at my head and

Fires being extinguished. 

I wake up every hour 

And wonder where the cat is. 

I’d like a cat. 

Why do I do this anyway?

 

I wonder about the meaning of life. 

Change the world. 

Eat, drink, and be merry.

I wonder about God. 

Moralistic God of holiness and judgment. 

Loving God of creation and grace. 

I wonder about the purpose of it all. 

Experience goodness. 

Experience worship.

I wonder if anything matters in the end. 

Why do I do this anyway? 

 

Generalized anxiety disorder. 

Major depressive disorder.

Stress. 

Change. 

A society of heightened emotion. 

Political turmoil. 

Religious trauma. 

A culture of fear. 

That’s why I do it. 

 

But the question still remains:

Why do I do this anyway?

 

Oh God: I want to be a better steward of my time and thoughts. Help me be a better steward of my time and thoughts. Help me focus on you. Help me focus on Love. Amen.