The Struggle to Stay Present

 

I went to see a show in Durham last Thursday night. 

Before the show, I went to dinner with a friend.

We went to a restaurant that serves African cuisine

And the food was delicious!

But I had to employee all of my staying present tools

To sit there and be present

Instead of just worrying about time. 

 

The show started at 7:30.

Our reservation for dinner was at six.

We got there and were seated at 5:50. 

At 6:20, we still hadn’t placed our food order,

Nor had we gotten the sodas we had requested.

And it wasn’t because the restaurant was crowded.

There were only three other tables seated.

 

Usually, an hour and a half is plenty of time to eat. 

And in the end, it turned out to be enough time for us. 

But while we were waiting for what seemed like an eternity,

An hour and a half didn’t seem like enough.

 

I knew what was happening inside of me.

I knew that I was anxious about time. 

Though my self-imposed obligation to always be early has lessened over the years

And I’ve learned that time is a bit more fluid than I always made it,

There are some things to which I still want to be early.

And shows are one of them.

 

I was sitting with good company. 

We were safe and warm. 

There was no real reason for me to feel stressed. 

And yet there I sat,

Body tense, 

Leg bouncing, 

Constantly checking the time on my phone, 

Inwardly judging myself because I knew I wasn’t at peace because I was 

Worrying about the future of what could be instead of 

Staying grounded in the present of what actually was. 

 

It’s hard to stay present in reality. 

It’s hard not to project what if’s onto the future or

Reel on the what was’s of the past. 

It’s hard not to think that people are out to get you

Or that the universe is conspiring against you

Or that your time is more valuable than anyone else’s.

 

But our challenge is to do what’s hard

And attempt to stay present in the moment.

 

So may we each accept the challenge of fully living and resting in moments of goodness and peace.  

 

Small blessings surround us,

Like good food and company. 

 

May we embrace those moments in the present 

And trust ourselves to deal with the future when it happens. 

 

Amen. 

Show Up

 

I wrote Heidi the Librarian on Saturday and asked what she was doing.

She sent me a bunch of pictures and said, “My M.”

M is one of our students.

I said, “What is M doing?”

She sent another picture of M in a fancy dress.

I said, “I know it’s a pageant. For what?”

She said, “I’m not sure what the title would be.”

I laughed and said, “You’re at an unknown pageant?”

She said, “Yes. It’s just M’s pageant that she might not win.

She had steep competition in her division.”

I laughed again.

Heidi said, “It lasted two hours then there was a 30-minute intermission.

I saw M and hugged her and left.”

A few minutes later,

Heidi wrote me back with the name of the pageant.

“Enchanted Sweetheart Christmas,” she said.

“I asked 😊.”

 

In review:

Heidi spent two hours of her Thanksgiving break

Watching an unknown pageant

Because a student asked her to go,

And she did.

 

Friends:

There is a lot we cannot do in this world.

There is a lot we cannot afford to give.

But just as surely as the sun rises and sets each day,

We can show up for one another when someone asks,

Or show up for one another when need cannot be muttered.

In times of celebration,

In times of grief,

In times of goodness,

In times of sadness,

In times when words flow freely,

In times when words get stuck in throats,

In times when waiting is easy,

In times when waiting is hard.

We can show up.

And sit.

And endure a two-hour pageant

For a 10 second hug that was

Probably the highlight the entire day.

 

In this Advent Season,

May we be a people who show up,

Sometimes not even knowing what we’re getting into,

Simply because we can and

Because we love and

Because the Christ-child showed up for us.

 

Amen.

Distraction

 

On the Saturday before I left for this European Adventure,

My parents, aunt and I had a delicious meal together.

Afterward, as we were cleaning up, I heard glass shatter.

A Pyrex dish had slipped off the counter, into the sink, and broken into pieces.

Out of reflex, my dad had tried to save the dish, but he got to it just a second too late.

The sharp shards sliced his finger and left him standing there bleeding.

 

He immediately began to apply pressure to the cut.

When he stopped applying pressure, blood gushed from the wound.

It was hard to tell if he needed a stitch, so

I took pictures and sent them to our doctor.

She said, “Oh, that’s not too bad. We can’t do a stitch because of where the cut is located. Just apply pressure and it will eventually stop. But know, finger tips take awhile to stop bleeding.”

 

Just before my dad cut his finger, my aunt had dealt cards for the game that we were getting ready to play.

Realizing that we were not going to be able to play cards with a gushing finger,

We switched gears and played a game that dad could play with no hands.

Two hours of pressure and two games of Word on the Street later,

My dad’s finger finally stopped bleeding.

 

Sometimes, what looks really bad is not as bad as it seems.

 

Sometimes, when we are in distress, we simply need people to sit with us.

 

Sometimes, when someone is hurting, we simply need to distract them.

 

Sometimes, when someone gets tired, we simply need to help.

 

And sometimes, when we think something will never end, we simply need to give it time.

 

I’m happy to report that my dad’s finger is doing just fine.

 

It was just a learning journey to get it there.

 

Dear God: Help us to know when to act, when to sit, when to distract, and when to wait. Amen.

On Being Present

 

I recently helped a friend tackle a monumental task.

Though I spent all day at my friend’s house,

Sorting, cleaning, eating, talking, hanging stuff, and moving stuff,

When I left that evening, I honestly didn’t feel that I had done much to help.

There was so much we didn’t get done and so much left to do.

 

Fast-forward a couple weeks and my friend is still working on her monumental task.

Here’s the deal, though.

She told me that if I hadn’t gone to help her a couple of weeks ago, then she would still be stuck trying to get started.

What seemed like an insignificant amount of work to me was actually very significant to her.

What seemed small was actually large.

 

Used to, my biggest goal in life was to make a difference.

I wanted to change the world.

I would often get discouraged, feeling as if I wasn’t doing enough to make a difference.

I often felt like a failure,

Like nothing I did mattered,

Because no matter how hard I tried,

I couldn’t get rid of brokenness, heartache, and hurt.

 

Now, my biggest goal in life is to be present.

And when I’m present, I’m making a difference.

I may not be changing the world on a broad, sweeping, existential level,

But I am changing my own world,

And the world of those I’m with,

Just by living.

 

Will every moment be remembered?

No.

Will I even be remembered?

Not forever.

But while we’re here,

While we have this opportunity to live,

We get to influence one another and make a difference in each other’s lives,

Even when we don’t feel like we’re doing it.

 

Oh God: Help us to be present with and for life. Even when our presence and actions seem insignificant, help us to remember that they are significant to some and that lives are being changed and worlds are being shifted. As life becomes increasingly tense and we feel more and more overwhelmed and helpless, help us to remember that sometimes the smallest actions are the biggest and that even they can make a change. Help us to use our voices and our bodies for the good of all humankind, for that is what you have called us to do. Amen.

On Showing Up

 

Just as I arrived on family vacation, I received a text that one of my student’s mothers had died.

Her funeral was this past Saturday.

I had the time and availability to go, so I did.

I thought it would be good for the student to see a friendly face from the school.

Heidi the Librarian went with me and ended up speaking at the funeral.

The student’s kindergarten teacher was also there.

 

The mom was a nurse at the local hospital.

She graduated from the local community college and because of this was honored by something called the Nurses Honor Guard.

Two nurses dressed in traditional nursing attire read A Nurse’s Pledge, A Nurse’s Prayer, and honored the work that the mother had done in her life.

After that, one of the nurses rang a bell 3 times.

After the first ring, she said, “KP, report for duty.”

After the second ring, she said, “KP, report for duty.”

But after the third ring, she said, “KP, you have been released from duty. Job well done.”

It was very moving.

And something I had never seen.

 

After the funeral, we went through the receiving line and spoke to the family.

I only waved to the student because he was feeling very shy,

But I hugged the grandmother who I’d often seen in the car rider line,

And I know she was glad we were there.

 

I know this sounds strange,

But if I could create any job in the world,

Then I would create a job doing exactly what I did on Saturday:

Showing up and holding space for students, families, and teachers when they need it most.

And if I could do this as a representative of the local school system,

Then I could create a Teachers Honor Guard and honor the work of lives well-spent in teaching.

 

….

 

A chaplain to the public schools.

That’s my heart’s deepest desire.

If we believe in multiple intelligences,

Then we cannot ignore the spirituality within us all—

The yearning for something more—

The desire to connect on a level deeper than we understand.

 

….

 

20 years from now, I doubt my student will remember that his K1 music teacher showed up at his mom‘s funeral.

Then again, maybe he will.

Either way, he and his family were being held in light and love and goodness and prayer

On that day,

In those moments,

And they lived through them,

Surrounded by people journeying with them,

Connected to something so much deeper than themselves.

 

Oh God: Help us to show up for one another and honor one another both in life and death. Be with my student as he learns to navigate life without his mama. Help him always to remember her love for him and help her legacy to live through connections even she will never know. Amen.

Bearing Witness

 

Eleven years ago,

On a Wednesday night,

In a hospital room at Wake Med,

I unofficially officiated my first wedding.

The bride-to-be’s mom had had a massive stroke the Sunday before and was on life support.

She was not going to recover.

The family had made the decision to take her off life support that night,

But before they did,

The couple wanted to be married so that the bride’s mom could be there.

I took my guitar and my Book of Common Prayer to the small little room in ICU.

Standing at the foot of the mother’s bed,

I sang a song,

Guided the couple through their vows,

And pronounced them husband and wife.

There were tears:

My tears, the family’s tears, the nurses’ tears.

It was a beautiful moment,

And it was so very real…

Even though there was no license and no way to declare the ceremony legally binding.

 

Yesterday,

On Palm Sunday,

At a beautiful outdoor venue with the sun shining down,

I officiated another wedding.

The couple was having a hard time finding an officiant,

So a friend recommended me.

I exchanged e-mails with the bride-to-be a handful of times.

I sent a copy of the ceremony for approval.

I met the bride and the groom at the rehearsal on Friday.

I showed up for the wedding yesterday,

Held the groom’s ring on my pointer finger and the bride’s ring on the tip of my pinky finger,

Guided the couple through their vows, and

Pronounced them husband and wife.

There were claps and smiles and tears all around.

It was a beautiful moment.

And it was so very real…

Right down to the signing of the marriage certificate that made everything legally binding.

 

As a Reverend Music Teacher,

Ordained into the gospel ministry

But living out my call in the public schools,

I have the privilege of bearing witness to a lot of life’s beautifully, vulnerable moments.

From the classroom to performances to weddings to funerals,

When families look at me and say, “Thank you,”

I get to respond truthfully, “It was my honor to be here.”

And it IS an honor

To get to walk alongside persons on their journeys

And to represent the presence of God in real and tangible ways.

 

Dear God: Help each of us, in the ways we are gifted, to walk alongside others and to represent You in real and tangible ways. Help us to show up for one another and to do the work of Love…legally binding or not. Amen.