The Struggle to Stay Present

 

I went to see a show in Durham last Thursday night. 

Before the show, I went to dinner with a friend.

We went to a restaurant that serves African cuisine

And the food was delicious!

But I had to employee all of my staying present tools

To sit there and be present

Instead of just worrying about time. 

 

The show started at 7:30.

Our reservation for dinner was at six.

We got there and were seated at 5:50. 

At 6:20, we still hadn’t placed our food order,

Nor had we gotten the sodas we had requested.

And it wasn’t because the restaurant was crowded.

There were only three other tables seated.

 

Usually, an hour and a half is plenty of time to eat. 

And in the end, it turned out to be enough time for us. 

But while we were waiting for what seemed like an eternity,

An hour and a half didn’t seem like enough.

 

I knew what was happening inside of me.

I knew that I was anxious about time. 

Though my self-imposed obligation to always be early has lessened over the years

And I’ve learned that time is a bit more fluid than I always made it,

There are some things to which I still want to be early.

And shows are one of them.

 

I was sitting with good company. 

We were safe and warm. 

There was no real reason for me to feel stressed. 

And yet there I sat,

Body tense, 

Leg bouncing, 

Constantly checking the time on my phone, 

Inwardly judging myself because I knew I wasn’t at peace because I was 

Worrying about the future of what could be instead of 

Staying grounded in the present of what actually was. 

 

It’s hard to stay present in reality. 

It’s hard not to project what if’s onto the future or

Reel on the what was’s of the past. 

It’s hard not to think that people are out to get you

Or that the universe is conspiring against you

Or that your time is more valuable than anyone else’s.

 

But our challenge is to do what’s hard

And attempt to stay present in the moment.

 

So may we each accept the challenge of fully living and resting in moments of goodness and peace.  

 

Small blessings surround us,

Like good food and company. 

 

May we embrace those moments in the present 

And trust ourselves to deal with the future when it happens. 

 

Amen. 

I Lied

 

I lied. 

I said that I didn’t have any cash. 

But I did. 

I had six dollars and my squirrel. 

 

I don’t know why I lied. 

I could have given him money. 

I could have helped. 

But I didn’t. 

 

And once I declared that I wasn’t a cash carrier—

Which is usually true—

I couldn’t go back on my word

Because then he’d have known I was lying. 

 

So I doubled down on my lie. 

I told him I had Euros in my wallet. 

Which was really true. 

But Euros don’t help a man stranded in Winston Salem. 

 

I told him I’d be happy to buy him something

But I didn’t know what was open in downtown at night. 

He didn’t know either, 

And he didn’t want greasy food because of its effects on his diabetic body. 

 

He had nothing with him but a blanket. 

It was his first night on the streets. 

He loved music and God and education and talking and 

I did not feel threatened by him at all. 

 

I looked him in the eye and laughed with him. 

And I kept thinking:

What if this is an angel in disguise?

And you’re lying. 

 

He was an older black man experiencing homelessness 

And I was a middle aged white woman experiencing a moral failure. 

My name is Deanna and I lied. 

His name was Russell and he knew it. 

 

God, forgive me

For knowing a man’s dignity and worth 

But not valuing his life 

Anyhow. 

 

Forgive us 

When we do stupid things

Like double down on a lie to a stranger

Because we want to save face.

 

And help us, God, to swallow our pride 

And to do better 

Whenever we sense Your voice 

Calling. 

 

Amen. 

Whisper

 

“I’m whispering something to you,” she wrote. 

And then she confessed. 

She’d been struggling with a very annoying friend. 

She hadn’t wanted to say anything negative about the friend. 

But she was really struggling. 

And she’d been struggling alone. 

But finally she said what was on her mind and in her heart. 

And it set her free. 

 

In the weeks after she whispered her secret, 

Her attitude changed. 

She started to engage the friend in conversation more, 

And she didn’t get as annoyed with the friend’s behaviors.

The friend hadn’t changed. 

But she had. 

And it’s all because

She allowed light

To penetrate the darkness

Of what she’d been trying to hide. 

 

She was right.

It’s good not to talk negatively about other people.

It’s good to live by the mantra
“If you can’t say anything good, then don’t say anything at all.”

But sometimes, words just need to be whispered.

Whether over coffee, or via text, or even in a therapist’s chair,

Some words need to be said,

Not to put others down,

Or gossip,

Or slander,

Or lie,

But to lift the heavy burden they’ve become in our souls.

Some thoughts, feelings, and actions need to be confessed,

Not for judgment and condemnation,

But for light and grace and peace and love.

 

That’s what happened with her.

And it changed her.

Maybe it will change you, too.

 

Oh God: May we each of us find spaces where we can safely speak our truths and may each of us be that space for others when the burdens become too much. Amen.

 

Goodness Still Abounds

 

I began 2024 with the idea that goodness abounds.

As the year has marched forward,

I have subconsciously allowed that thought to be overshadowed by

Division, bitterness, reactivity, us-against-them thinking, and feelings of being stuck.

I haven’t meant to do it.

I have simply absorbed the energy of the culture.

 

For months now,

My quiet angst has come out in deep sighs and a furrowed brow.

I haven’t necessarily been able to pinpoint one thing that’s been wrong.

It’s just been a negative energy that

Has left me feeling heavy and burdened.

 

I mentioned this on Monday,

But there is just so much hurt.

And it’s not simple hurt.

It’s layer upon layer upon layer of brokenness.

It’s complicated grief,

Complex trauma,

Systemic poverty,

Religious abuse,

Socio-economic inequality, and

Corrupt politics.

 

When I think about the complexity of these things,

I get overwhelmed.

 

Thank God for the sigh.

Thank God that the Spirit intercedes for us when we cannot find the words to say.

Thank God for hearing prayers that fall from our eyes.

And thank God for friends who send words of encouragement or challenge at just the right time.

 

I posted this last week,

But I think it is worth repeating today.

It’s a prayer that I adapted from the words of my dear friend Elizabeth Jones Edwards.

Her words reminded me that goodness really does abound,

And that it starts with me.

 

May you remember that, too.

And may we have eyes to see that, even in the heaviness,

Goodness abounds.

 

Oh God:

 

We are allowing religious and economic politics to divide us.

We are allowing the outside voices of politicians and pundits to control us.

Forgive us.

And help us to remember that we are the ones with the power to reshape our culture and rediscover connection.

 

Help us to remember that

Each of us, by our daily choices and attitudes, has the power to shape our culture for good.

To show kindness to the people we meet.

To turn down the divisive rhetoric and speak words of healing and peace.

To stop calling one another names, assuming the worst about situations, and making enemies about people we don't know or understand.

To be generous and forgiving and humble and loving as our faith calls us to do.

Each of us has the choice to include instead of divide,

To refuse to participate in the meanness and vitriol. 

 

Help us, God.

Help us to remember.

Help us to get to know one another,

Not as adversaries or enemies to defeat,

But as neighbors and friends and fellow travelers

whose well-being in this nation and on this planet is inextricably tied to our own.

 

Amen.

 

And amen. 

My Checkbook is Balanced

 

I may be one of the only people in the modern world who still balances her checkbook.

But I do.

I don’t like looking at my balance online because it’s deceptive.

It makes me think I have more money than I have.

I must always keep $1000 in my checking account to avoid a service charge.

If I go below $1000 at any given point in the month,

Even if it’s just for an hour,

Then I am charged a service charge

And it immediately makes me grumpy.

I know I could switch banks.

I know the SECU or USAA are good options.

But that’s not the point 😊.

The point is that it makes me grumpy.

 

Being the super busy traveler that I was last Fall,

I didn’t balance my checkbook for a couple of months;

Therefore, I didn’t see the flashing zero in my ledger book and

Let my balance go below $1000 last week.

 

True to form.

It made me grumpy.

 

So I was grumpy while waiting in line at the ATM to deposit the money needed to regain $1000.

And then I got even grumpier when I did something I don’t normally do:

I looked at the receipt left by the person in front of me.

He had over $14000 in his account!!!

What?!

$14000???!!!

That’s over six months of take home pay for me!

Yes. That’s right. After taxes, retirement, and various other expenses come out of my check,

My paycheck is just over $2000 per month.

After taking out all of my fixed monthly expenses,

I have less than $200 per month to spend.

I figured this out the other night while balancing my checkbook and updating my budget sheet.

It stressed me out.

And going below $1000 made me grumpy.

And then I find the random receipt of someone who has $14000 sitting in his checking account.

And my stressed out, grumpy self,

Tired from returning to work where I, as a teacher, absorb the emotional energy and trauma of 500 little ones for whom I am responsible,

Started crying,

For me, and for all the people struggling to make ends meet;

For me, and for all the teachers whose pay far from respects the work that we do;

For me, and for all the people who will never see anything close to $14000 in their checking accounts;

For me, and for all the teachers who sometimes feel demoralized when they dwell on just how unfair it is to not get a raise for nine years after teaching for fifteen.

 

Recently, I have been writing about how goodness abounds.

And I believe that it does.

And I am abundantly fortunate that I have the resources that I need to help ends meet.

But sometimes goodness is temporarily overshadowed by stress and grumpiness

Because sometimes life simply isn’t fair.

 

Dear God: When life’s inequality, stress, and grumpiness begin to overwhelm, help us to feel what we’re feeling, name it, and move through it. Help us to find the good—even if it’s in something as small as the checkbook being balanced—and help us to use that good to get by. God, there have always been rich and poor. Help the rich use their riches for good and help the poor to find the resources that they need to get by. Help each of us to be good stewards of our time and money and help us to have the faith to pray and believe, “Give us this day our daily bread.” Amen.

Digging and Digging

 

I felt like I was in a Bible story last week.

I had a friend who was figuratively paralyzed by life.

Nothing was going right—

In fact, lots of big things were going wrong—

And it didn’t seem like there were any good solutions.

She felt paralyzed.

I felt helpless.

 

Even though I don’t understand how prayer for other people works,

I began fervently praying,

And I found myself saying aloud,

“God. I know my friend isn’t a pray-er.

She’s too logical and practical to pray.

But I know she believes in you, God,

And I know she tries to live her life in ways that honor You,

So let me pray for her, God.

Let my prayers work for her.”

 

And then I thought of the story of the paraplegic who was taken to Jesus by his friends.

The house in which Jesus was teaching was so crowded that the friends couldn’t get inside,

So they literally dug a hole through the roof and lowered their friend to Jesus.

And Jesus healed him!

We don’t know if it was the man’s idea to go to Jesus or if it was his friends’.

All we know is that the friends did for the man what he himself could not:

They laid him in front of Jesus.

And that was enough.

 

I suppose you know what I did next.

I started figuratively digging.

And digging and digging.

And lowering my friend to Jesus.

 

There’s a song by Sara Groves that says:

“Love is a diamond,

Hidden in mountains,

Covered by danger and dirt.

I’m on the outside,

Digging and digging.

I’ve seen, so I know what it’s worth.”

 

When we love people,

We will do anything we can to help them.

We will dig holes through roofs and mountains,

And we will pray prayers so fervently that we cry.

 

Let’s keep loving, friends.

And let’s keep digging,

And let’s keep laying people at the feet of Jesus,

And trusting God, through time, miracle, and creation to do the rest.

 

Amen.