Do It Anyway

I’ve been to a lot of North Carolina Music Educator’s Conferences and sat through countless hours of workshops, but until yesterday I’d never been to an ordination service in the middle of the conference. Here’s how it happened.

Confession: I’m terrible with Facebook Invites. For some reason, I often don’t see my FB invites until it’s too late to plan to attend the event. Such was the case with yesterday’s ordination. I hadn’t seen the FB invite until yesterday morning when I opened my computer to check in to my workshop and FB told me that I had an event happening near me. When I clicked on the event, I was somewhat shocked to see that, indeed, the event was happening near me. In fact, it was happening one block away from where I’ve practically lived for the past three days.

As if that wasn’t interesting enough, the event was scheduled to happen during an hour when I didn’t have a workshop. The chances of that being the case were slim to none; there have been workshops offered every business hour since Saturday at 9am! And so…I decided that I would attend my first mid-conference ordination service. I’m so glad that I did.

Not only was I able to worship in a beautiful sanctuary and remember my ordination in another beautiful sanctuary, but I was also able to see a couple of friends whom I hadn’t seen in many years and together support God’s call on the life of another woman in ministry. I can think of few things more sacred than that.

While the entire service was quite meaningful, there was one particular moment during the charge to the candidate that reached beyond the candidate and straight into my heart.

"People are often unreasonable, irrational, and self-centered. Forgive them anyway.
If you are kind, people may accuse you of selfish, ulterior motives. Be kind anyway.
If you are successful, you will win some unfaithful friends and some genuine enemies. Succeed anyway.
If you are honest and sincere, people may deceive you. Be honest and sincere anyway.
What you spend years creating, others could destroy overnight. Create anyway.
If you find serenity and happiness, some may be jealous. Be happy anyway.
The good you do today will often be forgotten. Do good anyway.
Give the best you have, and it will never be enough. Give your best anyway.
In the final analysis, it is between you and God.
It was never between you and them anyway."
--Mother Teresa

I cried.
And I silently prayed that my friend would remember those words when times got hard.
And I silently prayed that I would do the same.
For you see, friends, life and ministry do not just happen inside the churches where Reverends are called out and affirmed,
But also in everyday life, in everyday circumstances, in everyday places,
Like the schools for which I have been at a conference learning to be a better Reverend teacher.

A Bad Feeling

Going back to work today wasn’t too bad. Tomorrow will likely be more difficult because I’ll have less adrenaline. But today was okay…except that I carried an underlying sense of anxiety all day—because of the book that I’m reading.

I’ve read the book before—a clearance book from the Books-A-Million in Columbia—but I don’t remember anything about it. The basic plot is of a twenty-something going home for her brother’s wedding, only her brother is uncertain as to whether or not he should go through with the wedding because he has fallen in love with another woman. He must figure out what to do and she must face her past.

The book is fine. Decently written. Decently read. But I’ve been so worried about the fiancé that I’ve been anxious for the entire four hours that I’ve been reading (with my ears)—and evidently in the hours when I’ve not been listening in my car—that I haven’t really been able to enjoy it.

The writer doesn’t share the fiancé’s point of view. The only things we know about her come from the narrator’s perspective. So we don’t know what she’s thinking—how she’s feeling—if she has any clue that her wedding is likely going to be cancelled and that a ten year relationship is likely going to end—or if she’s going to have a huge bomb dropped on her. Regardless, she’s in a really bad situation…and no matter what happens, she’s going to be really hurt. She’s either going to be marrying a man who loves another woman or she’s going to be forced to walk away from the man she thought she’d be with forever—and neither are really fair to her—nor are the lies she’s been told—or the information that’s been kept secret—or the choices that have not been given to her to make.

I know. You may be thinking. This is a fictional character, Rev. Dee. But is it really? Isn’t this the story of so many people? Maybe not the possibility of a cancelled wedding on the wedding weekend—although I know that that happens more often than any of us want to admit—but the unfairness, the lies and half-truths, the secret information, the choices not offered, the imbalance of power, the not-knowing how to have a really difficult conversation. Might this be your story, too?

I remember struggling with similar thoughts as I walked up and down the halls of the hospital where I served as chaplain. On so many occasions, I felt horrible knowing that I knew difficult information that families did not know—yet I couldn’t say a word. I held an unfair power advantage in the situation—and sometimes I had to have conversations with people, trying to remain present and non-anxious, knowing that their loved-one was dying—knowing that their hearts were going to break momentarily—when all information was made known. I hated the knowing. And I hated imagining how I’d feel if I were on the other side of myself.

So I guess that’s what this book has done to me—made me imagine how it would feel to be the fiancé unknowingly waiting for life-changing information to be shared with her—and it’s a bad feeling. The blind ignorance. The shock. The feeling of being second-best—of somehow not being good enough. It’s just…a bad feeling.

So for everyone who may be remembering and/or feeling any of those feelings tonight—
For whatever reason—
I offer prayers for peace and comfort right now.
And for everyone who is in any type of relationship—
For however long—
I offer prayers for honesty and respect;
for ears to hear and hearts to listen; and
for healthy wisdom and endurance to do the hard work of love—
wherever that work may lead.
Amen.

Officially

If you are an introvert who does not like physical touch, then I don’t suggest a big ordination service. If, however, you are an extravert who craves physical touch, then go for it…because the touches you receive and the words that you hear will propel you through the exhaustion that ensues after months of waiting.

I’ve had a lot of people call me Rev. this week. I’ve smiled.
I’ve had a lot of people ask me if I’m still floating from Sunday night. I am.
I’ve had people tell me that I was glowing at Sunday night’s service. I was.
I’ve had people joke that I suddenly have healing powers. I don’t. Yet parts of me have been healed…or least taken steps closer to redemption.

It’s hard to describe. These thoughts and feelings that I have.
Nothing extrinsic has changed.
I’ve still gone to work at school each day this week and done my best to be patient and loving with my coworkers and students. I’ve succeeded. I’ve failed. I’ve landed in between.
I’ve still gone to church a couple of times this week and done my best to be encouraging and spirit-led with my coworkers, choir, and congregation. I’ve succeeded. I’ve failed. I’ve landed in between.
I did those things last week, too.
Yet I feel different this week.
I think it’s partly because my love tank is full to overflowing.
But it’s more than that. It’s just hard to explain...

I don’t know how long the line was for people to pray for me. And I don’t know how many people the line held. But I know that I saw a lot of faces and felt a lot of hands and I know that I heard a lot of words that came from people’s hearts.

One sentence really sticks out to me, though, and it’s from one of my dearest friends from high school. “This is what you’ve been doing all along,” she said. “Now it’s just official.”

I guess maybe that’s it.
It’s official.
Called out and affirmed by hundreds of people.
Publically declared that my greatest desire in life is to love and show God’s grace to the world around me—
Wholeheartedly, in great and small tasks, through music and words, by simply showing up…

People have shown up for me. They showed up Sunday night.
And those who couldn’t show up Sunday night were still there with me.
My dad’s parents were with me in the necklace that I wore around my neck.
My mom’s parents were with me in the ring that I wore on my finger.
Kay was with me in the angel plaque that lay on the altar in the sanctuary.

People have shown up for me.
So I want to show up for people.
Officially.
Wholeheartedly.
With everything that I am.
Extraverted, craving of words of affirmation, needing hugs and all.