Saturday In Between

 

Today, on this Saturday In Between

What we know from yesterday but don’t know from tomorrow,

I can’t help but reflect on my yesterday

As one of the most meaningful Good Fridays I can remember.

 

I must admit that I felt kind of guilty for scheduling a massage on Good Friday.

But as I lay there,

Receiving the most painful massage of my life,

I couldn’t help but think of Jesus all those years ago,

Hanging on the cross,

Experiencing the most painful moment of his life.

My massage was painful because it was deeply therapeutic.

My muscles were tight and knotted and needed pulling and stretching and kneading.

But in the end, the pain was worth it because it loosened some of my tension and

Put my body more in line.

Jesus’s death was painful because of the sheer torture of crucifixion.

I chose my massage.

Jesus did not choose his horrific, unwarranted death.

The two events are in no way equal in scope…

And yet, in the end,

Jesus’s pain was transformed into the most powerful act of redemption this world will ever see:

Jesus overcame darkness, death, and the grip of this world

To make a way for the chains of bondage to be loosened and for us to be set free.

 

But we’re not there yet.

We’re still in the In Between

Where the benefits of the pain have yet to be seen.

 

…

 

Then I went to church.

I listened as the story of Jesus’s final day unfolded.

I heard how the religious leaders used politics to manipulate an unfair, unjust outcome.

I noticed how Pilate grappled with the question of “What is truth?”

And then, for the first time in my life,

I wept at the fact that Jesus’s aunt was at the cross when Jesus died.

I’ve read the story a hundred times.

I knew that a bunch of Mary’s were there.

But yesterday, in a moment of revelation,

I saw the line that said, “Mary, mother of Jesus, and her sister”

And I realized that her sister was Jesus’s aunt.

I’d never considered Jesus having an aunt.

I’d never considered the love that his aunt must have felt for him.

But I get it.

Because the love that I feel for my nephews and niece

Is the closest thing I will ever feel to the love of a child.

And to imagine watching them suffer.

To imagine watching them die.

I weep.

And the humanity of Jesus’s story takes on a different meaning…

 

Thank God that tomorrow is coming.

 

But we’re not there yet.

We’re still in the In Between

Where tears still fall and nothing makes sense

And we hope for more

Because our hearts are broken.

 

Amen.

A Lesson In Loneliness

I read a newspaper article a few weeks ago that really made an impression on me. The headline reads, “Man found three years after his death; a lesson in loneliness,” and the article shares the story of Ronald Wayne White, a diabetic Navy vet who died “unnoticed and all but forgotten.” His rent was automatically deducted from his bank account once a month. His car was parked, untouched, in the garage.

The article reads:

“It’s disheartening that society has reached such a threshold of disconnection that (Ronald) could have no friend, no coworker, no acquaintance to even check to see if he was alive or dead…

This case reminds us that there are thousands of people among us who are in severe states of loneliness and isolation…The reality is that loneliness profoundly grips many of us…

White’s case drives home the importance of making real life connections. There should be people in our lives who can and will reach out to at least check on our well-being or at least notice when something might seem odd.

We’re more connected through social media than ever before. Experts point out that we’re processing so much information…that we’re losing our ability to think and feel. It’s hurting our personal connections and making us more distant and lonely. And the loneliness can negatively affect our health…

Let’s vow to actually pick up the phone to talk to or actually go visit someone we know instead of spending so much time on social media. Let’s make eye contact and be mindful of other people. Let’s do things with other people, be it attending religious services or going to a ball game. We need to take better care of ourselves and our neighbors.”

Friends: Let’s be loneliness fighters. No one deserves to live, or die, or feel alone.

I Don't Know About You, But I Think We Should Show Them

My pastor said something on Sunday that made me think of an image of Jesus that I hadn’t considered in a long time:

Jesus, on the cross—beaten, bloody, and bruised;
Me, kneeling beneath the cross—looking into Jesus’ eyes.
Jesus, on the cross—beckoning me to join him;
Me, climbing up the cross—looking into the eyes of love.
Jesus, on the cross—arms open wide;
Me, embracing Jesus—his broken body folding into mine.

I wrote a song inspired by this image when I was in college. I opened my computer today to see if I’d typed up the song, but I hadn’t. In the process of looking, though, I found another song that I hadn’t considered in a long time. I wrote this song after being introduced not to moving images of Jesus’ compassion but to sad images of a wounded child. Little did I know that that introduction to childhood trauma would be only the first of countless stories that would come to break my heart over the years.

I updated that song today…and the poem that follows means more now than ever.

No child should have to:
know all she knows,
see all she sees,
hurt all she hurts,
be all she is.

No child should have to:
face life alone,
doubt her next meal will come,
feel she’s not good enough,
believe who is she is, is wrong.

No child should have to:
joke to hide all the pain inside,
think she's weak if she cries,
fear the touch of another’s hand,
hear words that wound and damn.

But so many do.

Just look into eyes: shame.
Just listen to voices: humiliation.
Just look at shoulders: heartache.

If only they knew and believed in who they are.

If only they knew they are loved as they are:
Beautifully broken, resilient children of God,
Created and able to grow by the creativity of God,
Redeemed and made new by the grace of God…

The Hopelessly Romantic, Big-Picture Seeing, Long-Term Remembering, Single Me

I am a hopeless romantic. I’m a sucker for a good love story and I always pull for love to win.

I am a helpless big-picture see-er. I fast forward situations to all possible ends and have to work very hard to stay focused on the present.

I am a long-term remember-er. I recall sights, sounds, smells, and emotions long after they have passed and I can be swept back through memory by a simple breeze.

And I am a 34-year-old single woman. I want to love and be loved…yet I fear not finding that love…and I remember Kay, who gave her life to others in ministry, but died alone. [Kay Simpson was my mentor and friend.]

I know you may be thinking that I’m still young. That I must not give up on finding love—that we never know what God has in store for us—that God’s plans and timing are perfect—that God is preparing someone just for me. And those thoughts could be true. But what if they’re not? What if, like many women in ministry that I know, love—as in monogamous relationship, marriage love—is not in the cards for me? What if that desire of my heart is never fulfilled? I guess time will tell and I’ll learn to adjust. But it doesn’t stop the wondering…and it doesn’t mean that I, and many people like me, don’t sometimes feel very lonely.

A good friend’s dad died unexpectedly last week. He went for his morning run and never returned. His heart that he had been trying to keep healthy just gave out. He died immediately. His family is devastated. They weren’t prepared to lose their husband, dad, granddad, brother, and uncle. Are we ever prepared for death? But he’s gone…Yet he’s not fully be gone because he lives vividly in his family’s hearts—especially his wife’s—his partner—the person he cared for above all others—the person who knew him through and through, inside and out. His family is held together with love. They will take care of his estate. They will sort through his life. They will intentionally and deeply grieve his loss. They will not be too busy to close his life well. He physically died alone…but in life, he died surrounded by a partner and family—and church and community—who adored him dearly.

I am a daughter. A granddaughter. A niece. A sister. An aunt. A friend. I am loved. I know that I am loved. And I do not discount the fact that I am loved. But I am no one’s partner—I am not the most important person in the world to anyone—the apple of someone’s eye—the first person to be greeted in the morning and the last person to be spoken to at night. And sometimes, on rainy days like today, on days when we remember those who have gone before us and whose lives have been lost to give us the freedom to love, my hopelessly romantic, big-picture seeing, long-term remembering, single self gets the best of me and thinks thoughts like these…thoughts that I rarely share…but that are always there.

I wrote this poem over twelve years ago after a hospital visit. I walked past a lot patients who were lying alone. I found it today…

Alone
In a small, drab room
Head propped up
Gown draped open
Lying the hospital bed
She waits

…Body crippled
Mind weakened
Vanity stripped
Humility forced
Fear induced
Loneliness sets in…

Being single is okay?

Complete freedom to do
What I want
When I want
How I want
Where I want
(Following God’s call
Of course)

No wedding woes, honeymoon horrors, or first year fits
No birthing pains, runny noses, dirty diapers, or constant spit

Financial freedom, freedom from fights
About where to eat, where to live, who to visit, who is right

Fly by the seat of my pants,
Up, up and away!
Not falling to the ranks of marriage shows strength
Independence!

Being single is okay!

Alone
In a small, drab room
Head propped up
Gown draped open
Lying the hospital bed
She waits

But no one comes
Friends gone away
Family doesn’t exist
Being single is okay?

I don’t want to suffer alone.

I don’t want to die alone.

I don’t want to live alone.

Oh God…for all who are lonely…from fear, longing, missing, remembering, out-living, lost love, a wandering heart, distance, hurt, grief…I pray this prayer of love and peace and wholeness today. Give us strength. Give us purpose. Give us the wisdom to love and support one another. Help us to make the most of today, every day. Amen.

Only Lonely Understands

I found some old CDs at home in NC this weekend. As I drove back to SC last night, I listened to three of the CDs, singing along and feeling grateful for the music that was keeping me company. Toward the end of the trip, a song came on that I wasn’t expecting and the next thing I knew, I was crying. The song that played was “Tonight” by Sara Evans and the tears that flowed were from deep inside me...

I’m not exactly sure what hit me so hard when the song began. Maybe it’s my being a sucker for songs with a prominent piano part and it includes a strong emphasis on the keys...or maybe it’s the fact that the chorus says, “I don’t want to go home tonight,” and I was feeling sad about having to drive away from my family and friends again (although I realize that that’s totally not what that line is about in the song)...or maybe it’s the loneliness that I could hear throughout the storyline of the song and my self-proclaimed spiritual gift of crying for others who cannot cry. Whatever it was, it smacked me in my gut and left me crying an ugly, gasping cry for at least twenty minutes after I got back.

Despite fast-paced technology and social networking/media that keeps us instantly connected, we live in what I believe to be a lonely world. My dad recently told me that some of his most lonely moments occur when he is surrounded by people. I understand. It’s very possible to feel lonely when surrounded by people...especially when loneliness extends beyond passing feeling into permanent state of being.

I think that Sara Evans describes that permanent state of loneliness so well when she sings, “There's just some things only lonely understands.” [She also uses incorrect grammar, but I can forgive that here because of the profundity of the statement.] She also sings:

“I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And I sure don't know what's right
But I don't want to go home tonight.”

Living in a permanent state of lonely leads one to do a lot of unhealthy things, and when unhealthy actions result in sinful actions—actions that hurt others and go against God’s design of love—the permanent state of lonely justifies the action out of a need to feel wanted, needed, and good enough—or maybe just to feel anything at all. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, stems from a hole in the core principle that we are loved—that we are authentically created beings with worth, value, and potential, and that despite what this world says, we are good enough—imperfect, different, and unique we may be. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, leads to isolation and secrecy that lead to more isolation and secrecy until we feel as if we are completely alone in our thoughts and often our shame—regardless of how many people truly love us.

I know what it is to live in the permanent state of loneliness while surrounded by love, but I also know what it is to have permanent made temporary through the transformational process of time, hard work, confession, acceptance, and grace.

So for everyone who has felt the “silent desperation” of loneliness, I must have hurt for you last night. I must have remembered that place and hurt for you—hurt for you and for those affected by and hurt by you—because we really are all connected. And while I was sad to drive away from my family and friends, and while I recognized the feeling of loneliness stirring inside me, I knew that I was not truly lonely in life anymore. I don't have that silent desperation. And I'm so thankful. And I’m so hopeful for everyone living in a permanent state of desperation—hopeful that it will be made temporary, that it will pass, and that each of us will daily realize that we are loved with a love so much richer and deeper and steady than anything we can comprehend.

----------

When You Can’t Escape
(from the lonely years)

Descending out of nowhere,
Exploding like a bomb,
Pressure securely locking windows and doors
Rendering daylight worthless.
Exaggerated lies become truth,
Stealing life from the breathing,
Smothering breath from the trying.
Intense heat scorches hints of soothing balm
Opening wounds that dangle between
Numbness and pain.
Heaven cries.
I love you falls on deaf ears.
Tomorrows linger.
Sleep cannot come soon enough.
Hearts shatter from calloused hands
Operating on figments of imagination.
Merciful Lord! Please break the fall.
Eternal God! Please hold me now.