Ministry-Sized Hole

 If you’ve known me for awhile,

Then you know that I am an ordained Baptist minister

Who once thought herself called to full-time vocational ministry.

 

I have two graduate degrees:

A Master of Divinity in Christian Education and a Master of School Administration.

If I were to get another degree, I would most likely pursue a Doctorate of Ministry,

But unfortunately, I haven’t found a program compatible with my life as a public-school music teacher because

I’m technically not “in the ministry,” and

My schedule is not set up for day-time school.

 

Yet there is a constant yearning—

A ministry-sized hole that longs to be filled.

I often wonder what I’m doing with my life,

Spending my days with snotty-nosed kids who don’t know how to tie their shoes or

Stinky kids who haven’t yet figured out that they need deodorant.

I often hear echoes of voices telling me that I’m “wasting my gifts” and that

I could be “doing so much more.”

 

…

 

I didn’t want to go to church yesterday.

Sometimes, when church is over 30 minutes away,

One just doesn’t feel like making the drive.

But I did.

And the Holy Spirit completely, totally, 100% unexpectedly showed up and poured certainty into my ministry-sized hole.

 

Pastor Ann’s sermon was not about vocational call.

She spoke about that a few weeks ago.

I was moved by the notion that all vocations are called to share the love and grace of Jesus Christ.

But even then, the ministry-sized hole gaped open.

 

Then yesterday, while preaching a sermon about “The Good Life,”

Pastor Ann briefly mentioned something about ministering to children.

Tears formed in my eyes.

I quickly pulled myself together, though, because the statement was passing and not the focus of her sermon.

A few minutes later, in total context of what she was preaching, Pastor Ann asked how we would feel if Jesus looked at us, like he did Peter, and said, “Get behind me Satan.”

Tears swelled in my eyes as my gut reacted to the statement and

I knew that I never wanted to hear Jesus say those words to me.

Then, as Pastor Ann was ending her sermon, she once again mentioned something about children,

And at that point I couldn’t contain the tears.

They rolled down my face.

I was hearing the words I never wanted to hear yet they were revolutionizing my life:

Get behind me voices telling me that I’m wasting my life.

Get behind me voices telling me I could be doing so much more.

Get behind me Satan.

 

I, Deanna Deaton, am called to be a public-school music teacher for such a time as this.

And there is nothing more important that I could be doing.

 

God has a way of moving when we least expect it.

God has a way of planting us exactly where we need to be.

God has a way of commanding evil to get behind the cross.

And God has a way of speaking fullness into the gaping holes of our hearts...

 

Amen. 

Standing in the Downpour

I doubt Michael W. Smith meant a literal downpour when he wrote the song, “One More Time,” but I certainly did find myself standing in a downpour on Saturday afternoon. A simple trip down the steps to get my book bag turned into my jumping into the lake in the rain after I felt a beckoning to float on its waters.

After standing in the rain under a tree for about 10 minutes, I said, “I’m going in.” Don’t worry. I wasn’t completely irresponsible. I went upstairs and got my earplugs and went to the gazebo and got my floatation devices, and then I jumped in.

The rain stopped and started, sometimes barely falling, sometimes falling so hard that it bounced high off of the lake. As I lay back and floated, knowing that I was safely held, I thought the words to Michael’s song:

There always seems to be a door that you can't open
There always seems to be a mountain you can't climb
But you keep on reaching
You just keep on reaching

When your destiny is out there in the distance
But the road ahead's a mine field in disguise
And you keep on moving You Just keep on moving
You will make it through this
Just give it time You gotta give it time

This is what you're made for
Standing in the downpour
Knowing that the sun will shine
Forget what lies behind you
Heaven walks beside you
You got to give it one more try
One more time
You just keep on reaching
You just keep on, you keep on moving

When the shadows fall on everything you're dreaming
When the promises turn out to be a lie
You just keep believing
You just keep believing
Oh, don't stop your dreaming
It's gonna be alright

As I continued to lay suspended on water, raindrops falling on my face, I sang to myself:

What can wash away my sins?
Nothing by the love of Jesus.
What can make me whole again?
Nothing but the love of Jesus.
Oh precious is the flow
That makes me white as snow
No other fount I know
Nothing but the love of Jesus

As water covered my body and I felt the water surrounding me, holding me, I prayed:

Create in me a clean heart oh God
And renew a right spirit within me
Cast me not away from thy presence O Lord
And take not thy Holy Spirit from me
Restore unto me the joy of thy salvation
And renew a right spirit within me

And as I “stood” in the downpour in total surrender, I said:

Therefore, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable, whatever is excellent or praiseworthy, think about such things. And the peace of God, which passes all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

This is what I’m made for. Standing in the downpour. Knowing that the sun will shine. And the sun did shine. And I returned to the lake to watch it set last night. And I kept believing. And I’ll keep believing. And I’ll give it one more try. One more time. Again and again. Amen and Amen.