Toilet Paper

 

When we got to the hotel in Belize, 

I saw a sign hanging in the bathroom, 

But I didn’t pay any attention to it.

I assumed that it said not to throw anything but toilet paper into the toilet.

I see those signs all the time.

No big deal.

 

I was wrong.

 

This sign said to not throw toilet paper into the toilet!

Instead, it said, use the trashcan.

 

Evidently, because of the design of the septic system,

This is customary in Belize (and some other countries as well.)

Before arriving, I had no idea. 

 

I must confess,

I was really bad at this new way of using the restroom! 

I succeeded often 

But failed equally as much, 

Going on autopilot and not thinking enough to alter a lifetime of habit. 

 

Old habits are hard to break,

Even when good intentions are there. 

 

It takes 

Time, 

Intention, 

Effort, and 

Focus 

To shift behavior and do something new. 

 

It also takes 

Grace,

Forgiveness, and 

Determination to keep trying 

When we mess up. 

It’s easy to feel defeated. 

But we must keep going if we want to see something new. 

 

I’m back in America now. 

I will return to throwing nothing but toilet paper into the toilet. 

But now I know the protocol for Belize

And the next time I’ll be ready. 

 

I can do hard things. 

And you can too. 

 

This is our permission to break out of old habits and try something new, 

Even if we stumble and fall and

Throw toilet paper into the toilet in the process. 

 

Amen. 

Enough

 

I misunderstood something before coming to Belize. 

 

I understood that the ladies in the village would make us breakfast and lunch, but I had the assumption that it would be sandwiches or something simple that we could eat on the work site.

 

I was so wrong! 

 

We have had full Belizean meals for breakfast and lunch each day this week. 

 

I have had the privilege of working in the kitchen with the ladies, and they have taken me under their wings and showed me how to make some things. 

 

For all of you feminists out there, don’t fret. I have not been in the kitchen because a woman’s place is in the kitchen. I chose to be in the kitchen because I was genuinely interested in how to make tamales and then I felt at home there.

 

I could’ve been on the construction site with the men. I realized on Monday that I am more handy and adept at using construction tools than I thought, but for some reason, being on the construction site isn’t where I feel like I was supposed to be this week.

 

I was supposed to be with the ladies in the kitchen, or painting shutters at the church. 

 

I was supposed to listen to and laugh and cry with the pastor’s wife.

 

I was supposed to put two primer coats on the front and back of at least 70 shutters. 

 

The physical work that I have done will never be seen. It will be painted over. And at one point in my life, I would’ve thought that work futile and meaningless. 

 

But here, in Belize, surrounded by kind, hospitable people who work together for the good of the village, I don’t feel like my work is meaningless. 

 

It is one step of making a house that will hold life safe and secure. 

 

It is one part of a whole that I will never see but that will remain for many years to come. 

 

And here, in Belize, that is enough. 

 

Amen. 

Follower

 

Last Thursday, 

I wrote about the challenges of not being in control of my Belizian adventure. 

At the time, 

I could only think of the negatives and unknowns 

Because my mind was clouded by anxiety and stress. 

 

Yet sometime on Friday, 

It hit me. 

I’m actually pretty good at not being in charge

When I give myself permission to step back and just go along for the ride. 

I can be a leader, yes. 

But I can also be a follower. 

My favorite example of this

Was my trip to Disney with Amy the Disney Lover a couple of years ago. 

I totally just followed Amy around Disney,

Having no idea where I was going or what we were going to do next,

But completely trusting her because I knew that she knew what she was doing.

It was glorious!

 

I can be a leader, 

But I can also be a team player.

I am agreeable to many things, 

As long as they don’t make me feel trapped, 

And I will do what I am asked to do, 

And I will do it well, 

As long as I agree that it needs to be done. 

 

And so here I am. 

In Belize. 

Now happily not in charge. 

Now happily doing what I need to do to make the team successful. 

 

At the time that I’m writing this, 

I don’t know exactly what that will be. 

But the team and I will figure it out 

Together. 

Because together is exactly where we’re meant to be. 

 

Are you a leader, follower, team player, all or none of the above?

I’d love to hear. 

And…go!

 

Mission Trip Angst

 

If all goes as planned

I will be in Belize at this point next week.

I heard about this trip via Facebook, 

Went to an interest meeting,

And walked away feeling like it was something that I wanted to do.

 

The team has four members,

The oldest of whom is in the 80s,

The youngest of whom is in his 20s,

The other of whom is in his 30s, 

And then there’s me,

The only female, 

Middle aged but really an old woman. 

We will meet up with the project leader when we get to Belize. 

This is his something like his 15th summer going.

 

I know that we have an extremely short layover in Charlotte, 

But I don’t know what we’ll do if we miss the connection. 

I know that we will be doing some type of physical labor in a small village in Belize, 

But I don’t know exactly what we’ll be doing when we get there. 

I know that it’s going to be very hot,

But I don’t know if it will be raining or sun-scorched.

I know that we’re supposed to have one day  to sight see, 

But I don’t know where will go. 

 

So for someone who likes to know things and have a plan,

To think through all the contingency options and what ifs, 

This is all a challenge, 

A leap of faith, 

A step out of comfort, 

A time to trust God to do what God does,

Whatever that is. 

 

I am expecting bumps along the way,

But I am hoping for a good, safe trip,

No major injuries or sicknesses, 

No problems with customs,

The humility to know when to rest,

The stamina to know when to work,

And the spirit to soak in the moments,

Though difficult some may be. 

 

I would love for you to pray with me for the safety and blessing of team

(Larry, Sean, Thomas, and Me,

Mike the Project Lead,

And the Belizian locals with whom we will work)

And for the work we will do to advance goodness and love in this world. 

 

Jesus asked us to take care of the least of these. 

And though our country is struggling to do this with legislation that cuts funding for the most vulnerable among us,

Other places are more than willing to answer God’s call. 

I’m thankful that I get to be part of answering God’s call…

Even if it is out of comfort and control. 

 

Amen. 

 

Discouraged

 

“I’m feeling discouraged and overwhelmed,” she said. 

“There is so much I need to do, 

But by the time I get home,

I’ve used up all my energy and reserves

And there’s nothing left to give.

I know what I need to do. 

I can see the steps that I need to take. 

But I just can’t make myself take them 

Because I’m too tired and spent”

 

I listened. 

 

And I understood. 

 

And I imagine that many of you do as well. 

 

I’ve always liked pass/fail grading. 

For me, it puts the emphasis on learning rather than trying to perform for a grade and be the best. 

I had never thought about giving my day a pass/fail grade until recently. 

I read about the idea in my Hope book. 

Instead of judging my performance on how well I do something each day, 

I should judge myself on whether or not I even do something for the day. 

 

This is especially true for large projects

that overwhelm,

Discourage, 

And feel like dementors sucking life from your soul. 

It doesn’t matter how well you do these projects,

If you complete them in one sitting or

If you leave the tasks open. 

What matters is that you have done them at all.

What matters is that you have chipped away at the project in any way. 

What matters is that you have been consistent,

Not perfect.

 

Let me say that again:

What matters is that you have been consistent, 

Not perfect. 

 

For this perfectionist who thrives on project completion, 

This Pass/fail grading of consistency is good news. 

 

Maybe it’s good news for you as well. 

Scapepigs

 

If you have talked to me about religious stuff in the last month,

Then you have most likely heard my struggles with the pig sermon from

this past Sunday. 

I know that the point of the pig story is not supposed to be the pigs,

But I got hung up on the pigs and I couldn’t get past them.

$350,000 worth of pigs is a lot to lose!

2000 dead pig carcasses is a lot to clean up! 

People’s lives were drastically changed that day, 

All because Jesus let the demons go into the pigs before the pigs went into the abyss.

 

Was Jesus taken aback by the pig’s stampede? 

Did he feel bad for causing so many animals to perish? 

Were the pigs’ death an unintentional consequence of Jesus’s actions?

Could Jesus have done something different to not cause such an economic and environmental impact?

 

I want to believe that Jesus felt bad.

I want to believe that Jesus left Geresenes because he knew that the people were upset and could not hear anymore from him at the moment.  

I want to believe that he felt remorse.

Because if he didn’t,

If he just shrugged off 2000 pigs’ deaths because pigs were considered unclean in Jewish law, 

Then that raises a bigger question about the goodness of all of God‘s creation and how we should treat it. 

It raises an even bigger question about the goodness of God.

 

Don’t get me wrong.

I know that the healing of the Geresenes man was important. 

I know that it broke boundaries and demonstrated God’s power over evil. 

I just can’t help but think of,

More so than in so many other stories,

The consequences of Jesus’s actions to 

Disproportionately affect innocent lives. 

 

Every action has a reaction. 

And sometimes, 

Even our best intentions,

End up going awry. 

 

Oh God, 

Help us to make decisions that will negatively affect the least number of people possible. 

And when we do hurt others,

Intentionally or not,

Help us to know when to walk away and let time heal the hurt

Or when to stay and help pick up the pieces. 

 

Amen. 

The Backwaters

 

I went to the backwaters on Friday. 

Heidi The Librarian’s sister, Heather, had chartered us a private boat out of Swansboro 

And the Captain took us out through the backwaters to the back of Bear Island. 

 

I have no idea how he knew where he was going. 

Probably Boat GPS or something fancy. 

But he zoomed around sandbars and sea grasses with such ease, 

Except at one point, the water became too shallow for passage, 

Yet even then, 

The captain simply got out of the boat and gently pushed it rather than using his motors.

 

When we got to the island, we were the only ones there.

The shells were untouched. 

The sand was unmarked. 

There were no Shibumis flapping. 

And there were no families claiming their little piece of beach for the day. 

 

Other than the areas marked as bird nesting areas,

We could freely walk and freely pick up whatever shells we wanted. 

And we could ride on the lazy river, 

A natural current created from the convergence of the ocean waters and the back waters.

 

We put on our lifejackets,

Turned on our backs,

And floated.

We were not worried about the ocean carrying us away. 

We were not worried about the water becoming too deep that we could not touch. 

We were simply floating under the blue, slightly cloudy sky, 

Completely present in those moments, 

Not worrying about the thing in the world. 

 

One of my favorite things to do is to float. 

I can’t float without a flotation device, 

But with a lifejacket or pool noodle,

I can float happily for a very long time.

It’s hard to float in the ocean anymore

Because the waves are so rough and the undercurrent is so dangerous,

Not to mention sharks and stingrays and jellyfish and who knows what other sea creatures lurk near.

So to be able to float—

To be able to be in living water and not worry about being swept under and dying

Was one of the neatest things I’ve done in a long time,

If not ever.

 

As we zoomed through the backwaters

And I felt the breeze blow through my hair, 

I reflected on our time on Bear Island, 

And simply smiled.

I smiled and thought, “I am fully present in this moment, and 

I am happy.

Thanks be to God for this moment

And this indescribable gift. 

 

Amen.