Bumblebee

I'm posting two versions of a poem that I originally wrote when I was teaching.

Version One: As the music teacher, I often got dumped upon and treated as less than equal by some classroom teachers and administrators. On this particular day, someone made their lack of communication my emergency--and it wasn't the first, or last, time they'd done it.

Bumblebee
10/05/04

We're busy.
Life is busy.
Everything is busy.
Busy, busy, busy!

But how hard is it,
Is it that hard?
To communicate,
share,
discuss,
or explain,
Expectations,
needs,
wants,
desires,
and to ask for help
In advance
not on demand,
not making lack of communication
an urgent problem?

We're busy.
Life is busy.
Everything is busy.
Busy, busy, busy!

I guess we should just rename ourselves
Bumblebees.

Version Two: Because I, myself, find myself overly busy right now, this poem came to mind as I thought about what to post for work today. What should have been a quick post has ended up taking more time than planned because of the rewrite...but, hey...at least this one isn't angry and has a somewhat positive message :-).

We're busy.
Life is busy.
Everything is busy.
Busy, busy, busy!

But we should never forget
Never ever forget
To communicate, share, discuss, and explain,
Expectations, needs, wants, desires, Christ
And to ask for help when we need it,
In advance,
Not on demand, and
Not making lack of communicationan or planning an urgent problem
for those around us.

We're busy.
Life is busy.
Everything is busy.
Busy, busy, busy!

Maybe we should just rename ourselves
Bumblebees?

Writer's Block--Version Two

I want to write.

Not like I'm writing now--in prose--but in poetry:

In short phrases and descriptive language and words to reflect the scattered thoughts that are in my heart, mind, and soul.

When I feel this overwhelmed--for whatever reason--I want to write in little pieces that reflect the chaos inside me, not in eloquent sentences that tie everything together with perfect ease and sense.

Some days are too disjointed to make sense.

Life and theology and passion and to-do lists doesn't always fit together.

So maybe there are times when words don't either.

Maybe this is writer's block.

Or maybe it's a call to silence.

Writer's Block

I've wanted to write all day.

Not like I'm writing now--in prose--but in poetry.

In short phrases and descriptive language and words to reflect the scattered thoughts that are in my heart and soul.

When I feel my heart breaking--for whatever reason--I want to write in little pieces that reflect the ones breaking inside me, not in eloquent sentences that tie everything together with perfect ease and sense.

Some things are too painful to make sense.

Life doesn't always fit.

So maybe there are times when words don't fit either.

Maybe this is writer's block.

like a lake

so much hurt and preservation
like a tendril round my soul
so much painful information
no clear way on how to hold it

when everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

standing at this waters edge
looking in at God's own heart
I've no idea where to begin
to swallow up the way things are

everything in me is drawing in
closing in around this pain
I will lay my heart wide open
like the surface of a lake
wide open like a lake

bring the wind and bring the thunder
bring the rain till I am tried
when it's over bring me stillness
let my face reflect the sky
and all the grace and all the wonder
of a peace that I can't fake
wide open like a lake

everything in me is tightening
curling in around this ache
I am fighting to stay open
I am fighting to stay open
open open oh wide open
open like a lake

--sara groves

...

when my sister and her family came to visit a few weeks ago, we had a picnic by the lake. as we were finishing up a lovely lunch, my sister's eyes got really big and she said, "run! rain's coming!"

and sure enough, before we could gather up the kids and the picnic supplies, we were momentarily covered with rain.

a perfectly clear day turned into a small but quick storm in the blink of an eye.

sometimes my days are like that, too.

a perfectly good day, filled with accomplishments and a pleasant, open mood, can see a storm roll in before i can gather up my emotions and run to shelter. i suddenly find myself drenched in tears and shut down to either sadness or anger.

today it's sadness. i'm looking grief in the eyes and feeling the sting of change. i am standing in the storm waiting for it to pass. and i know that it will. and then i can clean up the mess and once again look out into the openness of the lake.

In Case You Were Wondering :-)...

Proximity to God cannot be confused with intimacy with God.

A Bowling Reflection

On somewhat of a whim, I joined a bowling team the very first week that I moved to Columbia. I’m glad that I did…because bowling has provided me with many hours of fun and allowed me to get to know some really neat people.

A few months ago, my team—Mel, Laurie (Boss), Bob, and me—bowled in the SC State bowling tournament. During that tournament, we realized that if we could substitute a fourth girl for Bob, then we could enter some women’s events and probably do fairly well. We did. And we bowled in the Azalea Tournament this past Saturday. We’re still waiting for the final results, but when we left on Saturday we were in decent standing…despite my poor, poor performance during the team competition.

While bowling IS fun, it also cuts to the core of my insecurities. I do not like to disappoint people or let them down. I do not like to fail. I do not like to look stupid. I do not like to worry about what other people think about me. And I do not like to feel as if my worth is dependent upon my performance.

During the team competition on Saturday, we were partnered with the top two female bowlers—literally—in the tournament. The other two women on their team were in the top ten. While I struggled to mark, they rolled strike after strike after strike. While I couldn’t get the pins to fall, they made them come crashing down. While my handicap was high, they didn’t have a handicap. While my ball kept going toward the gutter, their balls never came close.

Contrary to some bowlers who know that they’re good, they were extremely nice and encouraging, and I am thankful for that. But bowling against them and being surrounded by the fast pace of the morning and realizing that I was the weakest link in a strong team left me feeling horrible. The morning hooked all of my insecurities and all I wanted to do was disappear and cry.

But then I asked for help from Coach Bob the Bowler. And then we moved to the other end of the bowling alley for doubles and singles. There weren’t as many people, the pace wasn’t as fast, and we weren’t bowling against good-enough-to-be-pros. My body relaxed and my mind focused and I came up with a plan for Boss and myself: Bowl our average or higher. And we did. With the help of our coach, we bowled extremely well during doubles…and as we did, I felt the hooks of the morning slowly loosening their grasp.

I didn’t feel like I was disappointing Boss or letting her down. I didn’t feel like I was failing anymore. I didn’t feel like I looked stupid. I didn’t feel like everyone was wondering why I was there. And, most importantly, I didn’t feel like my worth was dependent upon my performance.

You see, I had friends and family members sending me texts of encouragement, telling me that they believed in and loved me no matter what—to have fun and enjoy the experience because that’s what it’s all about. And I had a team who never once acted disappointed in me or seemed as if they wanted to replace me with someone new. They were glad that I was there with them, cheering for them, bowling with them, spending time with them, and, every once in awhile, making them laugh.

That is grace, my friends. That is love. That is truth. And that is God working in tangible ways to release us and break us free from the fears and oppression of this world.

Life Verse

Have you ever considered memorizing a passage of scripture or a positive quote and using it as your "life verse"--to guide you through difficult situations and fill you with the reminder of love?

If not, then you should. There's even a passage from the Bible at the bottom of this message for you to consider.

If so, what is your life verse?

It's amazing how having positive words in your mind and heart can help dispel the bad stuff of life. It doesn't take the bad stuff away, but it sure does help you know that you're going to make it through, and it challenges you to live out love when it's hard.

--------

Therefore, as God's chosen people, holy and dearly loved, clothe yourselves with compassion, kindness, humility, gentleness and patience. Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. Let the peace of Christ rule in your hearts, since as members of one body you were called to peace. And be thankful. Colossians 3:12-15

A Jamaican Reflection

We've been back from Jamaica for almost two weeks now, but only today have I had a moment to intentionally reflect on my experience there. And here's what's odd: as much as I like to think, connect, and write, I don't know what to say about my trip except that it was really lovely.

Traveling with my coworkers and spending time with them away from the hustle and bustle of normal life...eating with them, talking with them, laughing with them, being silly with them, worshipping with them, enjoying God's beautiful creation together with them...

Not having to a cell phone signal that worked for text messaging or internet surfing and being cut off from the hustle and bustle of normal life (though the surprise of not having it after making arrangements with the phone company threw me off at first)...

Taking in new landscapes and flowers and trees and foods and culture that was slower, less intense, and more relaxed than the hustle and bustle of normal life...

Being treated with honor and respect and appreciation for simply being me and being welcomed with open arms, literally, by women whom I'd never seen and probably will never see again and being challenged to continue forward in my faith and ministry and to give birth to the passions that God has lain on my heart...

Reflecting at the beach. Climbing the falls. Seeing the disparity between the tourist-y areas of Jamaica and the villages that are being transformed by the love and hope of Christ that is demonstrated by mission teams year in and year out. Realizing just how blessed I am to live in a country with good roads and clean water and laws against litter and fairly safe drivers and employment opportunities not dependent on tourism and organization but grieving the fact that I live in a country that is so dependent on the hustle and bustle of life...

It was all lovely.

It was all painfully and beautifully lovely...

What God Doesn't See In You

Plant these thoughts in your mind:

God doesn't see you as unnecessary.

God doesn't see you as too young (or old) to do God's work.

God doesn't see you as having limited capabilities.

Now read read 1 Samuel 16:1-13 and notice how God didn't think David unnecessary even when his family did; how God didn't think David was too young to do God's work even when his family did; and how God didn't think David had limited capabilities even when his family did.

If you don't have a Bible near you, go to www.biblegateway.com and look up the passage.

Remember: God sees the real you--all of you--who you are today and who you will be tomorrow. God gets you. God understands you. God loves you. And God has chosen YOU to share the good news of God's love and redemption with this world.

**notes taken from a sermon by Dr. Tommy Pillow.

Help Me Love Me

Sometimes we say, write, or do things that illicit responses that we aren't expecting. That happened to me more than once yesterday.

A simple quote--that I heard in the sermon at the church I was visiting--and a couple of conversations reminded me just how many people are hurting and struggling--even those people that we'd never expect--I dare say especially those people we'd never expect.

Twelve years ago, during my college days, while sitting outside at a campground in Cherokee, NC, where I was doing student summer missions, I cried out a prayer that I still pray today.

Maybe this is a prayer that you pray, too?

Me
7/30/98

I open your word and I read about you

And how you love us, Lord

But then I turn the page and I read about me

And how what I am is wrong



So sometimes I don't understand

What I'm supposed to believe

Is your grace all sufficient, Lord

Is it really okay to be me?



I go to church and praise your name

I want to see your face

But then they tell me I can't serve you, Lord

My sin is far to great



So sometimes I don't understand

What I'm supposed to believe

Is your grace all sufficient, Lord

Is it really okay to be me?



Oh I want to be me

And I want to be free

From this hammer that beats me to the ground

But I just don't know

How to let the hammer go

When I feel that nothing I do is right

When I feel that I am not alright



As I pray to you, I try to feel your arms

Wrapped around my soul

But I can't feel them, Lord

Are you really there—

Do you really care for me?



Cause sometimes I don't understand

What I'm supposed to believe

Is your grace all sufficient, Lord

Is it really okay to be me?



Do you love me?

Yes you love me.

Help me love me.



http://www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton



(there are two roughly recorded versions on the page--one picked and one strummed)