The Hopelessly Romantic, Big-Picture Seeing, Long-Term Remembering, Single Me

I am a hopeless romantic. I’m a sucker for a good love story and I always pull for love to win.

I am a helpless big-picture see-er. I fast forward situations to all possible ends and have to work very hard to stay focused on the present.

I am a long-term remember-er. I recall sights, sounds, smells, and emotions long after they have passed and I can be swept back through memory by a simple breeze.

And I am a 34-year-old single woman. I want to love and be loved…yet I fear not finding that love…and I remember Kay, who gave her life to others in ministry, but died alone. [Kay Simpson was my mentor and friend.]

I know you may be thinking that I’m still young. That I must not give up on finding love—that we never know what God has in store for us—that God’s plans and timing are perfect—that God is preparing someone just for me. And those thoughts could be true. But what if they’re not? What if, like many women in ministry that I know, love—as in monogamous relationship, marriage love—is not in the cards for me? What if that desire of my heart is never fulfilled? I guess time will tell and I’ll learn to adjust. But it doesn’t stop the wondering…and it doesn’t mean that I, and many people like me, don’t sometimes feel very lonely.

A good friend’s dad died unexpectedly last week. He went for his morning run and never returned. His heart that he had been trying to keep healthy just gave out. He died immediately. His family is devastated. They weren’t prepared to lose their husband, dad, granddad, brother, and uncle. Are we ever prepared for death? But he’s gone…Yet he’s not fully be gone because he lives vividly in his family’s hearts—especially his wife’s—his partner—the person he cared for above all others—the person who knew him through and through, inside and out. His family is held together with love. They will take care of his estate. They will sort through his life. They will intentionally and deeply grieve his loss. They will not be too busy to close his life well. He physically died alone…but in life, he died surrounded by a partner and family—and church and community—who adored him dearly.

I am a daughter. A granddaughter. A niece. A sister. An aunt. A friend. I am loved. I know that I am loved. And I do not discount the fact that I am loved. But I am no one’s partner—I am not the most important person in the world to anyone—the apple of someone’s eye—the first person to be greeted in the morning and the last person to be spoken to at night. And sometimes, on rainy days like today, on days when we remember those who have gone before us and whose lives have been lost to give us the freedom to love, my hopelessly romantic, big-picture seeing, long-term remembering, single self gets the best of me and thinks thoughts like these…thoughts that I rarely share…but that are always there.

I wrote this poem over twelve years ago after a hospital visit. I walked past a lot patients who were lying alone. I found it today…

Alone
In a small, drab room
Head propped up
Gown draped open
Lying the hospital bed
She waits

…Body crippled
Mind weakened
Vanity stripped
Humility forced
Fear induced
Loneliness sets in…

Being single is okay?

Complete freedom to do
What I want
When I want
How I want
Where I want
(Following God’s call
Of course)

No wedding woes, honeymoon horrors, or first year fits
No birthing pains, runny noses, dirty diapers, or constant spit

Financial freedom, freedom from fights
About where to eat, where to live, who to visit, who is right

Fly by the seat of my pants,
Up, up and away!
Not falling to the ranks of marriage shows strength
Independence!

Being single is okay!

Alone
In a small, drab room
Head propped up
Gown draped open
Lying the hospital bed
She waits

But no one comes
Friends gone away
Family doesn’t exist
Being single is okay?

I don’t want to suffer alone.

I don’t want to die alone.

I don’t want to live alone.

Oh God…for all who are lonely…from fear, longing, missing, remembering, out-living, lost love, a wandering heart, distance, hurt, grief…I pray this prayer of love and peace and wholeness today. Give us strength. Give us purpose. Give us the wisdom to love and support one another. Help us to make the most of today, every day. Amen.