Happy And Sad

Today marked the completion of an historical event in the life of SC WMU: The SC WMU Field Staff returned from its first ever all-staff-in-one-vehicle road trip to the National WMU Annual Meeting and SBC Convention! To commemorate the occasion, we will store an Arby’s napkin in the archives.

On our way to New Orleans, we played “Name that Tune” and our own version of the “ABC Game.” On our return from New Orleans, we played “Who Has Visited What States/Continents and Why” and “Answer the Question.” We answered questions such as: “What was your favorite part of the meetings?” “What is something you learned this week?” “What is one thing about yourself that you would change?” “What is one thing about yourself that you like?” “What makes you happiest in this world?” “What makes you sad?” “What is one talent that you have?” and “What is your biggest pet peeve.” Our road trip games were very fun and thought provoking, but we knew it was time to end them when the answering of questions brought either a) directional distraction for the driver or b) an emergency bathroom situation from laughing so hard.

The most awkward moment of the trip came when this writer answered, “What makes you sad?” After naming quite a long list of things, my coworkers said, “My goodness, Deanna. Are you sad all the time?” I said, “I’m sad a lot, yes. I don’t mean to be. It just happens. When I feel sad for one thing, it amplifies to feeling sad for everyone in the world who is or has ever felt that way. So I have to work to feel what I’m feeling and not let anxiety run away with me. Sleep makes me happy. A lot of things make me sad. Those two things do go hand in hand with depression. This is why I’m in counseling and taking medication. They go hand in hand, too...just like sleep and sadness...and just like happiness and sadness, too.”

I’m glad that I can say those things now and not be afraid that everyone will look down on me. Some will. But others won’t. I’m glad to see that reality. I’m glad that my brain chemicals stay more balanced by modern medicine and that my thoughts, feelings, and reactions stay balanced and are held in the light of counseling and spiritual direction. I’m glad, too, that I have knowledge and understanding of the concept of being a non-anxious presence and that becoming a self-differentiated, non-anxious presence gives me a goal toward which I always can strive.

A few years ago, I wouldn’t have been able to answer the question, “Deanna, are you sad all the time?” without shutting down and feeling ashamed. I know that I carry a lot of sadness with me, but I know, too, that I carry a lot of joy and happiness. They really do go together. And there really is a time and season for everything under the sun.

A few years ago, I also wouldn’t have been taking a very long road trip in a stuffed animal pimped out mini-van with coworkers that I’ve come to know, love, and appreciate.

I’m thankful for where a few years have brought me. And who knows. Maybe in a few more years, I’ll get to go to Zambinia for a zootic adventure while singing the music of Bill Gates and presenting my resume in traffic :-).