A Psalm and No Regret

I doubt that anyone noticed, but I didn’t post a note on Thursday. For almost two years, I have posted notes on Mondays and Thursdays, regardless of whether or not I have worked those days. When I started this job (two years ago this first Monday of October), I knew that if I were going to write, then I would need to discipline myself to do it. And so I have written—sometimes having nothing whatsoever of importance to say.

On Thursday, however, after leaving Staff Retreat, I entered into a time of solitude in which I had no internet access. For over 24 hours, I was alone at the beach...listening to the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, reflecting about life and work, breathing in God’s peace and grace. I had my phone, but I didn’t fret about not having internet access. I knew that I hadn’t written or posted a note, but I decided to take a break. I needed a break. My mind and heart were cluttered from the busy-ness of life, and I needed a chance to detox.

On Friday night, a group of middle school girls arrived and I proceeded to lead them in a retreat until Sunday morning. We examined together parts of Psalm 1, Psalm 13, Psalm 32, Psalm 100, Psalm 113, and Psalm 139. We shared about thoughts and questions and the certainty of God’s love for us and plan for our lives even in the midst of situations that we do not understand. On Sunday morning, after a time of worship through music, we wrote our own letters to God (our own Psalms of sorts) and imagined reading those letters to Christ, believing that he was listening.

My writing said:

God.
Thoughts of this month completely, totally, utterly overwhelm me.
All my fears and insecurities,
Everything I’m afraid of—
Looking bad,
Disappointing people,
Not pleasing my coworkers,
Not being good enough,
Not getting everything done,
Something major going wrong—
All of my demons are haunting me.
“Now I surrender…”
Move this mountain of insecurity,
These thoughts that paralyze me.
Move them and help me to accomplish this month
One day, one step at a time.
Please.
You can speak through me, my thoughts, my planning.
You can be glorified and worshipped…
Let it be so.
Amen.

After the girls left yesterday, I finished my time at the beach with a few more moments of solitude. I once again listened to the sound of the waves crashing onto the shore, reflected about life and work, and tried to breathe in God’s peace and grace—and courage. Leaving yesterday was hard. Coming into work today to face the month ahead was hard. But I’m here with my to-do list, slowly marking things off, remembering the peace of the weekend, and feeling absolutely no regret for not posting on Thursday :-).