The Friend I Didn't Know I Needed

 10.20.25

Whenever anyone new comes to church, 

Tamara, the music minister, keeps an ear out for musical talent. 

A few years ago, someone showed up who had it. 

Not only did she sing, but she played the piano. 

I think maybe this made me jealous? 

Or maybe it made me think of the diva musician stereotype—

Someone who thought they were wonderful and deserved to be treated as such?

I don’t know what it was, 

But I remember having a weird hesitation to Jana joining the choir. 

But I was so very, very wrong to hesitate. 

Jana is totally not an arrogant diva. 

She is humble, down to earth, fun, funny, super talented, and has a great sense of style. 

She’s a cancer nurse by day 

And a wife, mother, friend, activist, traveler, musical enthusiast, beautiful soul by night.

She makes me laugh in choir practice more often than not, 

She plays piano beautifully, 

She sings alto confidently, 

And she simply encourages me to be a better person. 

On Saturday, 

Jana and her husband Shawn coordinated the church yard sale. 

Jana grew up antiquing and yard sale-ing,

So she thought that a church yard sale would be a good thing not only raise some money for the church but also to bring the community in. 

She was right. 

We raised a bit of money, yes. 

But more importantly we visited with a lot of people and 

Welcomed them with both literal and figurative open arms. 

Jana is a friend and cheerleader I didn’t know the church or me needed. 

And I am so very thankful. 

Oh God. 

Thank you for bringing people into our lives when we least expect them

And thank you  for allowing them to change our lives for the better. 

Forgive us when we prematurely judge and help us to overcome those judgments to see good. 

For you are good, and goodness abounds. 

Amen. 

Stopping Isn't Quitting

 

I don’t quit.

I see things through.

I don’t give up on people.

I believe in second and third and fourth chances.

 

So when I found myself feeling like I was in the wrong place in graduate school,

It was very difficult to make the decision to leave. 

But after an agonizing month or more of discernment

I have made the decision to step back from my doctoral program in January

And reevaluate my hopes and dreams and goals.

 

They say the first semester of a doctoral program is the hardest.

Adding an extensive program to an already full schedule is always difficult.

And it has definitely been difficult.

But I’ve done it, 

Albeit clumsily,

And I’ve done it well. 

I’ve just not really connected with course learning

And I’ve realized that I don’t want to spend 2 1/2 more all-consuming years 

Learning about material that I don’t truly care about.

I could. 

I could push through so that I would have the degree.

But I’ve realized, too, that I don’t have an endgame for how the degree will help me personally or professionally. 

So why devote three years of my life and a whole bunch of money to a title?

Pride.

Not wanting to quit.

Not wanting to admit that I was wrong about entering the program. 

Not wanting to regret my decision and live in the land of what if. 

Not wanting people to be disappointed in me and look down on me for not finishing what I started.

Not wanting to write this post.

 

If I’m honest,

I had heavy reservations about starting to program in the first place. 

Once I realized that it was three full years, with no breaks, 

And once I was able to look at the courses and see that they were all leadership and research, 

I began to feel trapped in something that didn’t feel right. 

 

What I thought I was going to do was become an expert on a certain topic,

Do a project that involved writing a curriculum,

Teach the curriculum, 

Conduct some before and after research, 

And see if my curriculum had made a difference. 

 

But that’s not at all what the program is designed to do. 

It’s strictly research. 

Real research. 

In-depth research. 

And leadership theory. 

And contributing to the field of scientific knowledge. 

And that’s not what I am passionate about. 

At all. 

 

I could have done it. 

With some teaching and tutoring, 

I’ve caught on pretty quickly. 

But the truth of the matter is that I don’t want to do it. 

And I don’t need to do it. 

I don’t need to make myself sick from stress

And not see friends and family for three years

For no reason 

Other than pride. 

 

And so. 

I’m stopping. 

I’m not quitting in defeat. 

I’m stopping in surrender,

Knowing that for me, 

At this point in my life,

My doctoral program is not the right fit for me. 

 

And it’s okay. 

 

Oh God. 

Help us to know the difference between quitting and stopping, 

And help us to honor the inner voice that shows us the way. 

For You are in that voice, 

And you are not in pride. 

Amen. 

Superduper Soft Jacket

 

I went to Cracker Barrel for dinner on Friday night. 

As is Cracker Barrel custom, 

I checked out the clearance section before leaving. 

I found a couple of little things that I liked, and then I found a jacket that I really liked. 

Since I rarely wear jackets but have quite a few in my closet,

I needed another jacket like I need a hole in my head,

But this one was a pretty navy blue, 

And it was superduper soft and comfortable

And so I figured for 70% off, I couldn’t pass up the deal.

 

It wasn’t 70% off.

The Cracker Barrel floor designers had just put the rack suspiciously close to 70% off section.

Rude. 

And so I put the jacket back.

 

But I kept thinking about it.

I really liked it.

And I could imagine myself wearing it on morning duty. 

And did I mention that it was superduper soft?

 

I knew that I had a Cracker Barrel gift card at home, 

So when I got to the house, I set out to find it. 

In the process, I found a bunch of gift cards that I hadn’t used. 

I tend to put gift cards aside with the thought that I will use them only when I am in desperate need. 

What happens, though, is that I forget about them altogether and never use them . 

I decided it was time for a new strategy.

And so I loaded two Dunkin cards, three Starbucks cards, and three Walmart cards onto my apps, 

And I put two Food Lion cards, one Jersey Mike’s card, and three gas cards into my car for immediate use.

I also located not one, but two, Cracker Barrel gift cards, 

One of which fell behind an immovable desk and saw me on my hands and knees to retrieve it.

Did I mention that I really liked that jacket and that it was superduper soft?

 

On Saturday morning, I went back to Cracker Barrel and bought the jacket.

With gift cards, I paid just over $20. 

I wore the jacket all day.

I had everyone I knew pet my arms because I was superduper soft

And I told more people than not that I had a new Cracker Barrel jacket.

And what was really funny, to me, is that I was wearing my brand new, fancy Cracker Barrel jacket over a T-shirt that was 30 years old :-). 

 

I pray that I’ll actually wear the jacket. 

That it won’t be a purchase in vain.

And that I’ll smile when I think of its story. 

And that maybe you’ve smiled too. 

 

The end. 

Stomach Bug

 

I was sick to my stomach on Monday morning. 

I attributed it to stress. 

I wasn’t happy about this attribution because I don’t mean to be stressed. 

But them a friend reminded me that I am currently enrolled in a doctoral program at UNC-CH 

And that that was enough to make anyone stress. 

I showed myself a little grace after that and I felt a little better.

But I never felt great. 

I taught all day, 

Went to my teacher’s meeting and heard how terrible NC is going for teachers,

Went home and ate, 

Went to class for 1.5 hours,

Worked on homework for 2.5 more hours,

Went to bed, 

And woke up

Vomiting shortly after. 

The night was long. 

I decided that this was beyond stress and that I officially had a stomach bug. 

 

I drove into school on Tuesday morning to get everything ready for the sub.

Not feeling great and not firing on all cylinders,

I left my book bag at school.

Though felt a little lost without it, 

I quickly realized that it was probably good that I left it at school because I wasn’t tempted to work.

Instead, I slept the entire work day

Until I had to get up to meet Heidi the Librarian to get my bookbag

Because I had class Tuesday night.

I went to class.

I went to sleep.

I slept through the night!

And I went to work yesterday feeling not great, but much better than I had at the beginning of the week.

 

And that brings me to today. 

I’m at work again, 

Still sore from the violence of being sick, 

Still not feeling 100%, 

But okay. 

 

And sometimes, 

Okay is enough. 

 

Oh God:

When the days are fraught with stress, 

And the nights are long with sickness, 

Even there You Are. 

Grant moments of reprieve for the weary

And peace for the worn. 

For You Are rest and 

You Are good. 

Amen. 

Missing Sermon Page

 

I printed Sunday’s sermon on Saturday. 

While printing, the printer ran out of paper. 

I replaced the paper but the printer ate about 10 sheets at once.

After I cleared the jam and got the paper set correctly, 

The sermon picked up printing where it had stopped. 

Or so, I thought. 

 

I checked the pages when they came out.

Everything looked good.

I checked the pages on Sunday morning before leaving for church.

Everything looked good.

 

But when I was standing in front of the church,

Delivering the sermon, 

I got to page 6, and it wasn’t there.

I fumbled a bit.

I continue talking while looking for page 6.

I had a feeling of dread in my stomach and thought that I would just skip the second point

But then I realized that I really didn’t need to skip the second point because it was a huge part of the sermon.

Not able to think and continue speaking at the same time, 

I couldn’t recall what the second point was or how I had woven its illustration in. 

 

So I finally decided to just admit defeat.

With what I hope was lighthearted humor, 

I explained that I was missing a page of my sermon, 

but that I didn’t want to skip its message. 

So I asked everyone to forgive me and broke out my phone. 

I opened the file and continued from my phone until page 7. 

 

 

I have two reflections on this little sermon hiccup. 

1.      I’m thankful that I put my phone in my pocket and took it to the pulpit with me. I had considered leaving it in my pew.

2.      I’m thankful that my files are portable. It really is amazing that I can store my files in some imaginary cloud and be able to retrieve them from any device that has my password. Sometimes, this reality is a bit scary. But yesterday, it was very nice, and I am very grateful.

 

Technology got me into a mess

And then technology got me out of a mess. 

What’s technology done to you lately? 

And are you more grateful or aggravated by it? 

 

And. Go. 

Cat Food In Car

 

 

I bought a small bag of cat food on sale a few weeks ago. 

I left the bag in the back of my car because we didn’t yet need it inside. 

 

On Sunday, I noticed a hole in the bag. 

I hope it was punctured by being thrown around in the backseat, 

But it looked more like an animal had torn the hole in the bag and had a little snack. 

In my car. 

 

Sometimes I leave my car window rolled down when I pull into the garage. 

I’m thinking that Sigma Ray Deaton,

Otherwise known as Siggy, 

Otherwise known as Mr. Curious, 

Otherwise known as Mr. Slinky Slink, 

Wandered himself into my car and ate through the bag. 

It seems like something he would do.

He is very adventurous.

And he loves it to climb. 

And he loves food. 

 

On Saturday, we will be having a blessing of the animals at my church. 

Anyone can bring their people-friendly, easy traveling animals and receive a blessing. 

Siggy Ray and Annie Mae will not be in attendance, 

But their mama will be there with their pictures

Because their mama loves them very much

And wants them to live long, happy lives…

Even when they are sneaky and 

Jump into the car 

And break into a bag of food.