Lamanai

 

Many of you know that I have a fear of bats. 

A few years ago, 

A bat secretly got into the house. 

Coming down the stairs, 

I startled it and it flew at my head.

Later that summer,

I heard bats in the attic.

I was afraid to go into the attic for years.

Even now, though we’ve had the house bat proofed as much as it can be, 

I feel a little fear every time I open the attic door. 

 

When we went to the Lamanai Ruins a couple of weeks ago,

Our first stop was the museum and visitor center.

A small creature was flying around the open air space, but I really thought that it was a tiny bird, so I wasn’t very worried.

When someone said that it was a bat, 

I didn’t freak out because it looked more like a butterfly than a bat. 

It was only when our tour guide, Amir, said that the bat had landed on me that I felt a bit of dread.

But even then, I remained relatively calm

Because the bat hadn’t startled me or landed where I could feel it. 

I went about the tour as if nothing strange had happened 

And quietly tucked away the knowledge that a bat had actually landed on me. 

 

As I’ve reflected on this incident, 

I’ve come to realize that maybe it’s not bats that scare me,

Maybe it’s the fear of the unknown.

Maybe it’s the fear of something coming out of nowhere and flying at my head 

Or derailing my plans

Or taking the life of someone that I love.

Maybe it’s knowing that there’s so much that I cannot control,

That situations will come at me

And put me on edge

And leave me standing on the porch crying. 

Maybe it’s not the actual bat. 

Maybe the bat is just a symbol of something I couldn’t name until a bat had landed on me and I didn’t fall apart. 

 

What is it that you fear? 

And is the fear of the thing or is the thing a symbol of something deeper? 

 

Whatever it is, 

Give yourself space. 

Give yourself time. 

Do the work in therapy. 

And know that you are bigger than your fear. 

 

Even if you don’t get to go to Lamanai to figure it out. 

 

Amen. 

 

Shoes and Toiletries

 

Before leaving for Belize,

I bought a lot of new things:

New shorts, 

New tank tops,

New pants,

New sunhat, 

New shoes, 

New cooling towels,

New passport holder, 

New toiletries. 

 

When it came time to leave,

I was presented with the option to leave what I no longer needed so that it could be distributed amongst the members of the community. 

 

There was no question that I would leave my new Birkenstock tennis shoes. 

They were very nice, 

But I wasn’t going to wear them.

Why should I bring them home to America when someone there could use them? 

 

There was no question that I would leave all of the new remaining toiletries. 

I had duplicates of most of them at home and what I didn’t have was easily replaced. 

 

There was no question that I would leave sunhat. 

Someone requested it point blank. 

 

There was no question that I wouldn’t leave my clothes. 

They were ragged tie dyed shirts or paint stained shorts. 

No one would want to wear those. 

 

But there was a question about my work shoes. 

Why I made it a question is beyond me. 

I stood in the room and debated if I should leave my new Crocs or if I should bring them home, 

Knowing good and well that I had plenty of other shoes at home 

And that the Crocs would be better served in Belize. 

But what if I paint again?

Or do construction again?

I might need them, I justified. 

But then I thought 

No.

I don’t need them. 

I can easily buy new shoes. 

But then I thought

But they have paint on them. 

Yes, I responded.

But that paint will come off. 

Leave the shoes. 

They belong here. 

So I left the shoes. 

And I have no regrets. 

 

I just hate that I debated the decision at all. 

 

Why do we want to hold on to things when we know we don’t need them?

Why do we have a hard time parting with stuff when we know that stuff is not the essence of life?

 

God, forgive us when we put our priorities in the wrong place and focus on the wrong things. 

Help us to balance our giving with our receiving and our buying with our giving away. 

And when we give, God, help it to be with a genuine heart—

One that seeks to build up rather than look down—

One that seeks freedom over chains that bind. 

 

Amen. 

Toilet Paper

 

When we got to the hotel in Belize, 

I saw a sign hanging in the bathroom, 

But I didn’t pay any attention to it.

I assumed that it said not to throw anything but toilet paper into the toilet.

I see those signs all the time.

No big deal.

 

I was wrong.

 

This sign said to not throw toilet paper into the toilet!

Instead, it said, use the trashcan.

 

Evidently, because of the design of the septic system,

This is customary in Belize (and some other countries as well.)

Before arriving, I had no idea. 

 

I must confess,

I was really bad at this new way of using the restroom! 

I succeeded often 

But failed equally as much, 

Going on autopilot and not thinking enough to alter a lifetime of habit. 

 

Old habits are hard to break,

Even when good intentions are there. 

 

It takes 

Time, 

Intention, 

Effort, and 

Focus 

To shift behavior and do something new. 

 

It also takes 

Grace,

Forgiveness, and 

Determination to keep trying 

When we mess up. 

It’s easy to feel defeated. 

But we must keep going if we want to see something new. 

 

I’m back in America now. 

I will return to throwing nothing but toilet paper into the toilet. 

But now I know the protocol for Belize

And the next time I’ll be ready. 

 

I can do hard things. 

And you can too. 

 

This is our permission to break out of old habits and try something new, 

Even if we stumble and fall and

Throw toilet paper into the toilet in the process. 

 

Amen. 

Enough

 

I misunderstood something before coming to Belize. 

 

I understood that the ladies in the village would make us breakfast and lunch, but I had the assumption that it would be sandwiches or something simple that we could eat on the work site.

 

I was so wrong! 

 

We have had full Belizean meals for breakfast and lunch each day this week. 

 

I have had the privilege of working in the kitchen with the ladies, and they have taken me under their wings and showed me how to make some things. 

 

For all of you feminists out there, don’t fret. I have not been in the kitchen because a woman’s place is in the kitchen. I chose to be in the kitchen because I was genuinely interested in how to make tamales and then I felt at home there.

 

I could’ve been on the construction site with the men. I realized on Monday that I am more handy and adept at using construction tools than I thought, but for some reason, being on the construction site isn’t where I feel like I was supposed to be this week.

 

I was supposed to be with the ladies in the kitchen, or painting shutters at the church. 

 

I was supposed to listen to and laugh and cry with the pastor’s wife.

 

I was supposed to put two primer coats on the front and back of at least 70 shutters. 

 

The physical work that I have done will never be seen. It will be painted over. And at one point in my life, I would’ve thought that work futile and meaningless. 

 

But here, in Belize, surrounded by kind, hospitable people who work together for the good of the village, I don’t feel like my work is meaningless. 

 

It is one step of making a house that will hold life safe and secure. 

 

It is one part of a whole that I will never see but that will remain for many years to come. 

 

And here, in Belize, that is enough. 

 

Amen. 

Follower

 

Last Thursday, 

I wrote about the challenges of not being in control of my Belizian adventure. 

At the time, 

I could only think of the negatives and unknowns 

Because my mind was clouded by anxiety and stress. 

 

Yet sometime on Friday, 

It hit me. 

I’m actually pretty good at not being in charge

When I give myself permission to step back and just go along for the ride. 

I can be a leader, yes. 

But I can also be a follower. 

My favorite example of this

Was my trip to Disney with Amy the Disney Lover a couple of years ago. 

I totally just followed Amy around Disney,

Having no idea where I was going or what we were going to do next,

But completely trusting her because I knew that she knew what she was doing.

It was glorious!

 

I can be a leader, 

But I can also be a team player.

I am agreeable to many things, 

As long as they don’t make me feel trapped, 

And I will do what I am asked to do, 

And I will do it well, 

As long as I agree that it needs to be done. 

 

And so here I am. 

In Belize. 

Now happily not in charge. 

Now happily doing what I need to do to make the team successful. 

 

At the time that I’m writing this, 

I don’t know exactly what that will be. 

But the team and I will figure it out 

Together. 

Because together is exactly where we’re meant to be. 

 

Are you a leader, follower, team player, all or none of the above?

I’d love to hear. 

And…go!

 

Mission Trip Angst

 

If all goes as planned

I will be in Belize at this point next week.

I heard about this trip via Facebook, 

Went to an interest meeting,

And walked away feeling like it was something that I wanted to do.

 

The team has four members,

The oldest of whom is in the 80s,

The youngest of whom is in his 20s,

The other of whom is in his 30s, 

And then there’s me,

The only female, 

Middle aged but really an old woman. 

We will meet up with the project leader when we get to Belize. 

This is his something like his 15th summer going.

 

I know that we have an extremely short layover in Charlotte, 

But I don’t know what we’ll do if we miss the connection. 

I know that we will be doing some type of physical labor in a small village in Belize, 

But I don’t know exactly what we’ll be doing when we get there. 

I know that it’s going to be very hot,

But I don’t know if it will be raining or sun-scorched.

I know that we’re supposed to have one day  to sight see, 

But I don’t know where will go. 

 

So for someone who likes to know things and have a plan,

To think through all the contingency options and what ifs, 

This is all a challenge, 

A leap of faith, 

A step out of comfort, 

A time to trust God to do what God does,

Whatever that is. 

 

I am expecting bumps along the way,

But I am hoping for a good, safe trip,

No major injuries or sicknesses, 

No problems with customs,

The humility to know when to rest,

The stamina to know when to work,

And the spirit to soak in the moments,

Though difficult some may be. 

 

I would love for you to pray with me for the safety and blessing of team

(Larry, Sean, Thomas, and Me,

Mike the Project Lead,

And the Belizian locals with whom we will work)

And for the work we will do to advance goodness and love in this world. 

 

Jesus asked us to take care of the least of these. 

And though our country is struggling to do this with legislation that cuts funding for the most vulnerable among us,

Other places are more than willing to answer God’s call. 

I’m thankful that I get to be part of answering God’s call…

Even if it is out of comfort and control. 

 

Amen.