Letter to GAD

 Someone recently told me that you don’t need medication for anxiety and depression—that all you need is Jesus. And while I am a wholehearted believer in Jesus and the transformative power of redemption, I cannot agree with this statement.

 

That being said, I recently added a new anxiety medication. Both Jes the Doctor and Joe the Counselor think that this is a good move because my anxiety level, even with my current medication, therapy, and spiritual practices, is evidently not normal and could become more manageable with the new medication.

 

Naturally, I was anxious about the new medicine. But I wasn’t anxious about the side effects like most other people would be. I was anxious about it making me less anxious. That sounds ridiculous, huh? But it’s the truth. I was—and am—worried about living with less anxiety—because high anxiety is what I know.

 

When I was talking about this with both Jes and Joe, I started crying. The tears came out of nowhere and surprised me, but when I was finally able to name them, I was able to say, “But what if the anxiety medication makes me stop worrying, and something catches me off guard?”

 

Both of them looked at me with compassion…and after a brief pause, Joe challenged me to do something that I am going to attempt to do here. He challenged me to write a letter to Generalized Anxiety Disorder, to thank it for its function in my life, and to explain to it that it’s time for our relationship to change. “But to what?” I asked Joe. “I don’t know anything different than what I’ve always known so I don’t even know how to imagine something different.” “Tell it that,” Joe said. “And leave it open.”

 

So, as crazy as this will sound to some, but as understood as it will be to others, here is my letter to Generalized Anxiety Disorder (GAD).

 

Dear GAD,

 

Thank you.

Thank you for how you’ve served me for so long.

Thank you for being that girl with a clipboard, sitting in a tree, constantly planning, and constantly on the lookout for danger.

Thank you for helping me pay attention to details and to think through all possible scenarios in almost all situations.

Thank you for allowing me to over-function and to do good work.

And thank you for the ways that you’ve protected me that I don’t even know.

 

But that girl in a tree is existentially tired now.

And she needs some rest.

So I’m starting a new medication that will hopefully help me rest.

And it’s going to change things between you and me.

I don’t know how things will change.

I don’t know how it will affect us.

I just know that while I need you to still be with me so that I won’t be caught unaware,

I need you, too, to grant me relief.

 

We are still in this together,

You and me.

Let’s just learn to work together more efficiently

So that I can be a healthy, whole person.

 

Sincerely,

Dee

 

Oh God: Thank you for working through modern medicine and for giving us people who can see our potential when we can’t. Help us to let go of the fear of the unknown and to trust that you have infinitely more in store for us than we can ever imagine. Amen.

 

And amen.