The Heart Of The Matter

Last week when Patrick told me that his sermon for Sunday was about forgiveness, I immediately broke into a chorus of, “I’ve been trying to get down to the heart of the matter, but will gets weak, and my thoughts seem to scatter but I think it’s about forgiveness—forgiveness—even if—even if—you don’t love me anymore.” Patrick looked at me like I was crazy. He didn’t know the song. I looked at him like he was crazy. How could he not know the song? It’s obviously one whose words are firmly planted in my brain. Then I remembered that he’s from Texas and quite a few years younger than me, so I was able to forgive him for his song ignorance .

Forgiveness. Such a loaded word. Such a difficult topic. Yet Don Henley gets it right when he sings that forgiveness is at the heart of the matter—and not just the matter of moving beyond a broken love affair—but the matter of life.

Patrick’s sermon yesterday didn’t focus on the how’s or when’s of forgiveness; it very simply focused on the why. Why must we forgive those who have hurt us? Because God has forgiven and will continue to forgive us—always—without fail—no matter how egregious, petty, self-centered, major, minor, justified, ridiculous, ignorant, mean-spirited, pitiful, repetitive, or spontaneous the infraction.

For those of us who believe in God’s heart of redemption, grace and mercy are always present—working to set us free.

Should we, too, then, not offer this same grace and mercy to those around us?

A few years ago, I hijacked a CD from a good friend. It is a compilation CD put together to reflect the feelings and emotions of persons working to loosen the chains of rape, abuse, addiction, depression, self-harm, and more. One of my favorite songs on the CD talks about the power of words to hurt us and includes the lyric, “Goodbye is the best way that I know to forgive and still be letting go.” I’ve been thinking about that lyric recently—about what it means—considering whether or not I agree with it—wondering if goodbye really can be an act of forgiveness—wondering if goodbye really is letting go.

I’m terrible with goodbye. I’m terrible at letting go. I’m supposed to forgive people who hurt me, right? I’m supposed to extend grace and mercy to those around me—give them the benefit of the doubt—see beyond their actions and into their hearts—remember that they, too, are human—believe in their goodness and God’s ability to work through all things—right?

Sometimes, goodbye is the best way to forgive.
Sometimes, walking away is the best way to let go.
Not with bitter determination to hold on to every ounce of anger.
Not with a resentful mindset of remembering every major offense.
But with quiet surrender and the gentle understanding that some things and some relationships and some situations are just so unhealthy, stubborn, impossible, and/or broken that they cannot be salvaged or fixed and must therefore be released—
And not just physically,
But in the heart, soul, and mind.
Day by day,
Moment by moment,
Breath by breath.

But that’s just sometimes. Because sometimes things are worth fighting for. And sometimes it’s our own arrogance that must be held in check. And sometimes it’s we who must forgive ourselves. And sometimes it’s hard to know what is what…because sometimes forgiveness is so very tricky.

Oh God,
Help us know how to forgive—
When to hold on,
When to let go,
When to stay present,
When to walk away—
But help us always to forgive—
To have the strength and courage to give and receive mercy and grace
So that we might live with the freedom that comes from releasing
The negative emotional pulls that damn and bind.
Amen.