Peter Warmed Himself

“What is your biggest regret?”

I had pondered this question before yesterday, but the impact of the question during Patrick’s sermon was greater than it had ever been yesterday morning. I found myself crying through most of the first service, naming, for the first time, a definitive answer to the question; feeling the full weight of my regret; realizing that, while I live in God’s grace and freedom, I have not figured out how to unlock the stifling cage of regret in which I have placed myself.

Peter figured it out, though.

Not mentioning the ups and downs of Peter’s actions during the majority of his time with Jesus,
Looking only at the final days of Jesus’ life:
Peter denied Christ three times.
Then he ate fish served to him by Jesus, walked with him, talked with him, confirmed his love for him and was confirmed in his love from him three times.
Then he boldly lived his life for and declared his faith in Jesus way more than three times…

“But Peter and John replied, “Which is right in God’s eyes: to listen to you, or to him? You be the judges! As for us, we cannot help speaking about what we have seen and heard.” (Acts 4:19-20)

…

As Patrick read yesterday’s scripture passages, before my tears fully set in, I heard something that struck me as odd:

Peter followed [Jesus] at a distance, right into the courtyard of the high priest. There he sat with the guards and warmed himself at the fire…While Peter was below in the courtyard, one of the servant girls of the high priest came by. When she saw Peter warming himself, she looked closely at him.

Having never before noticed this warming detail, I found myself wondering: Was it cold the night the Jesus was betrayed and on the day that he was crucified? I didn’t think it was because of Passover being in Spring.

But if it was cold, then praying in the garden, receiving lashes outside Pilot’s house, and hanging on the cross in the crossroads must have been that much harder for Jesus…and that’s hard to think about.

Yet if it was not, then why does the text make such a point of saying that Peter warmed himself?

…

Have you ever received shocking news? Had something profound happen that you didn’t expect? Have you ever felt that punch in the gut? Had that sickening, shivering, back-quivering feeling leave you uncertain of anyone or anything—and crazily, unnaturally cold?

If you have, then you know that someone asking you questions that you’re not ready to answer is not a welcome experience—and those questions can be as simple as what you want for supper.

There are times when one wants to be alone with his thoughts. There are moments when, even when surrounded by people, one wants not to be seen but to stand in the shadows with his own demons.

I’m thinking that Peter was having one of those nights.

And I wondering if maybe he wasn’t so much afraid of being arrested or so in fear of being associated with Jesus as he was just in really bad space—numb—wanting to be alone—annoyed by people’s questions—cold from the shock of Jesus’ betrayal, healing of Malchus’s ear, arrest, and pending trial—and then brought back to harsh, present reality by the third crow of the rooster—when he realized all too late what he had done.

…

I don’t know. This is just my wondering. And I suppose it doesn’t really matter. Except…

If Peter overcame his prison of regret—
regardless of what led to it—
passionately and joyfully jumped off of a boat to get to Jesus
(an act that probably left him to warm himself by a fire again),
and lived the rest of his life in
forward, bold freedom:

Then surely I can, too.

And so can you.