Jesus Knows How I Feel

I’ve always enjoyed bowling. Growing up, when visiting my grandmother in Florida, I’d often ask my cousin and brother if we could go play bowling. They’d always tell me that you don’t play bowling but that you bowl. It took me a long time to get the language right but I finally did. I went on bowling excursions with my youth group in high school, took bowling for PE in college, and bowled with a league while in SC. I actually just put my 2012/2013 USBC membership card in my wallet last night.

One of my favorite bowling experiences, though, occurred not when I was bowling seriously but when I went bowling for my 21st birthday. I was serving on a summer missions team in the mountains at the time so my parents and sister drove across state to spend the day with me. That birthday bowling excursion was a very welcome break in the summer because we were serving on staff at a camp for adults with physical and mental disabilities at the time. I was way out of my comfort zone.

On the first night of the camp, the kitchen staff served spaghetti. The camper sitting across from me had spaghetti all over his face and watching him eat it made me physically feel ill. Later that night when the campers entered worship I quickly realized that I had no idea what I was supposed to do. I don’t remember if it was that night or sometime later in the week but I remember finding myself sitting outside in the parking lot, guitar in hand, crying out to God in weakness and insecurity. It was that night that I had one of the most profound realizations of my life and recorded it in this song:

Jesus knows how I feel because he's been here before
He has felt all the pain, he has felt all the joy
That comes in this life, through living each day
Through learning to love, and give it away
Jesus knows how I feel

I see them there, their hearts cry out
For a voice to simply talk to them
But my voice gets stuck in my throat
Just like a child too shy to talk to a neighbor

So I fall down to the ground
I can't get up, my strength is gone
These tears I've cried have drained my soul
And I don't know how to let go

I see them there, their hearts cry out
For a hand to simply reach and touch them
But my hands are stuck behind my back
And I don't know how to untie them

So I fall down to the ground
I can't get up, my strength is gone
These tears I've cried have drained my soul
Will compassion ever flow?

Jesus knows how I feel because He's been here before
He has felt all the pain, he has felt all the joy
That comes in this life through living each day
Through learning to love and give it away
Jesus knows how I feel

And I believe that Jesus does.

Jesus saw people, had compassion on them, laughed with them, cried with them, spoke to them, and touched them. Jesus knew when people were hurting and Jesus did whatever he could to take their hurt away, treat them with dignity and respect, and make their lives a little better.

There is a lot that I don’t understand in this life. I don’t understand sickness, disease, trauma, long-term illness, disabilities, pain, crime, or anything else that causes suffering. I don’t understand why bad things happen to good people and I feel sick when I think about the process of death and dying. I didn’t understand things on that night when I went bowling in 1998 and I don’t understand things now as I embark on my journey of chaplaincy.

But I do understand this: I don’t have to understand everything and I don’t have to make everything right. Like Jesus, I only need to see people, have compassion on them, laugh with them, cry with them, speak to them, and touch them…just as I ended up doing after sitting in the parking lot that night in the mountains.

Jesus knows how I feel (even if he never bowled). And a lot of other people do, too. And I’m so very glad.