What It Is You Think I Should

“Is it just me or does this lyric not make any sense?” she said. “‘I told him I am the flower, you are the seed. We walked in the garden, we planted a tree.’ Unless I’m mistaken, there has to be some kind of crazy cross pollination going on there if that’s going to make any sense!”

Such was the conversation heard in room 223 of the Springhill Suites in Asheville yesterday morning. It was complete with dramatic singing and acting as my college friends Rachel and Angela and I attempted to answer Sunday’s question: “What is one song for which you are particularly thankful?” One simple question turned into a lengthy discussion that spanned everything from poignant hymns to guilty pleasures. The song “All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You” was a guilty pleasure. It’s one of those songs that’s somewhat ridiculous in plot but very fun to sing loudly!

Another song we stumbled upon was the song “Not Ready To Make Nice” by the Dixie Chicks. I didn’t really know the song until I pulled it up on You Tube, yet I found myself understanding the lyrics—though I must admit that they are very strong. I appreciate the honesty of the words and the fact that the raw emotions of pain and hurt aren’t just magically resolved. I found myself in the middle of someone else’s journey…just as I find myself in the middle of mine.

One particular lyric has been stuck in my mind since yesterday. It very simply says, “[I] can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should.” I find this line so powerful—so true—and such a vivid statement of the battle between living for self (through Christ) and others (of the world).

So often, I think, we know what’s best for ourselves. We know our boundaries and limitations. We know where God is leading. Yet outside pressure and expectation leads us to second guess ourselves and feel as if we are not “right” or “good enough” or doing our best. Granted, sometimes we do get stuck in a place where we need outside help. God knows that I’d be in a big mess without outside help! But sometimes, I think, we know what we need to do. We know what we can and cannot handle. We know the grace we are capable of extending. Yet the fear of disappointing others or being talked about in a negative way pushes us beyond what’s safe…and the result, I think, too often leads to hurt.

If I’m honest, then I must admit that I’m struggling to be at peace “in the waiting.” I, Deanna, am okay not knowing where I’m going (though it is somewhat unsettling), yet I feel like I’m doing something wrong by not actively seeking new employment opportunities. Why do I feel this way? Because of what I think the world thinks I should be doing. The world says it’s not okay for a 35-year-old college graduate to be unemployed. The world says it’s not okay for a Masters Degree graduate to not be contributing to a retirement account because she has no income to contribute. The world says it’s not okay for a grown child to live at home. And yet. Here I am. Living at home. With two degrees. No job. No clear direction. And doing a pretty poor job of waiting…not because I’m incapable of waiting—I am—and I'm okay with it--but because I feel like I’m being looked down upon for not immediately finding a new job. The thing is? I don’t just want a job. I want a calling. And I believe that God is calling…

Oh God. Help me to live as you would have me live and not how I perceive the world demanding that I live. Help me to find the joy in what surrounds me now because I know that joy—and grace—and healing—abound. Amen.

And now…to answer my thankful questions of the past couple of days:

What is one thing about Fridays for which you are particularly thankful? That Fridays are the days when my grandmother gets her hair done, and I know that the guaranteed human interaction is something that makes her happy.

What vacation destination are you particularly thankful exists? Asheville, NC (and pretty much any town in the mountains).

What is one song for which you are particularly thankful? “Growing Young” by Rich Mullins. Since before discovering that this song was written as a take on the story of the prodigal son, I have loved it. The lyrics speak to me—especially, “I’ve been broken now and I’ve been saved. I’ve learned to cry and I’ve learned how to pray. And I’m learning even I can be changed”—and the concept of growing young in the Kingdom of God as we grow old in this world is beautiful to me.

Who are the Veterans in your family for which you are grateful? Granddaddy Deaton (Dan Deaton, Sr.), G-Daddy (Virgil Kidd), Uncle Paul (Paul Johnson), and Dad (Dan Deaton, Jr.). I also have other extended family members who have served through the years…and I am grateful for their sacrifice and service.