On Surprises

I’ve been thinking about surprises this week. Not the shocking, negative kind of surprise, but the exciting, positive kind of surprise—like a card in the mail or a gift on your desk or a knock at your door or a call on the phone.

I don’t know about you, but I love surprises—sort of :-). I love to create surprises and to surprise other people…but I don’t always like to receive surprises because the “N” in me (my intuitive nature) thinks that I should be able to figure out all surprises before they happen. I know, I know. This isn’t a very fun way to live. But it’s true. Therefore, it is really hard to surprise me…yet when it happens, it is a very, very humbling and breath- and word-taking experience that more often than not makes me cry—good, happy, overwhelmed tears.

Probably the biggest surprise of my life occurred Christmas of my sophomore year of high school. You may know the story, but just in case you don’t, let me tell it here:

Played school French horn that was dented, messed up, and all together a poor instrument.

Band director realized school needed new horn so had McFayden Music Store Man bring a horn to school to try out. It was shiny, silver, and brand new. It even had a pretty case.

Took shiny, silver, brand new horn home one night to practice. Was very careful with it, but parents still acted weird.

Played horn at Christmas concert. Did I mention how awesome it was?

Was sad to see horn return to McFayden. Told horn bye before packing it up.

Had lovely Christmas morning. Opened presents with family and was content.

Brother pointed out large bag under Christmas Tree. Said, “Dee, why don’t you go see what it is.” I did. It was for me.

Tried to imagine what it could be. Thought maybe stereo. Then felt shape.
Realized it was a horn.

Decided parents had found used horn on sale because I needed it for Governor’s School the following summer (pending acceptance).

Opened bag. Saw pretty case. Knew it was shiny, silver, brand new horn that, evidently, parents, band director, and McFayden man had been secretly working to get me.

Hugged Horn. Cried. Parents cried. Brother and sister cried. Could only say, “Oh my gosh” and “Thank you,” over and over again.

Lovely, lovely moment. I was truly, totally, 100% surprised.

Later named horn Pierre Horne Deaton.

What about you? What was the biggest surprise of your life? Or maybe some smaller surprises that you just love to share? And it doesn’t have to be a surprise that you received either. It can be one that you gave as well :-).

Sometimes

They're nothing like they used to be, but sometimes I still have bad nights.

Sometimes I feel so sad that it seems as if my heart is literally going to break and that I am going to be left alone to suffer in my shortcomings for the rest of my life.

Sometimes--especially after a long, frustrating, hard, and taxing day--I can only hear words of failure, of heavily getting life wrong, of being a disappointment to everyone and everything because there is never enough time to complete my work and never enough time to spend with those I love.

Sometimes grief consumes me and pours down my face.
Sometimes hurt surrounds me and gets stuck in my chest.
Sometimes insecurity deafens me and spews from my mouth.
Sometimes exhaustion paralyzes me and weighs down my bones.

I suppose you've figured out that
Sometimes is tonight.

'Cause sometimes all I can do is be quietly grateful that God created rest and go to bed early and tell my mind to stop and imagine my thoughts drifting and allow myself to sleep.

Eels and Koalas and Polars, Oh My

Last week, I asked the question: What’s the ugliest or oddest animal you’ve ever seen? Armadillo. Opossum. Anteater. Roach. Nutria. Blue footed boobies…Those were some of the answers I received. As for me, one of the oddest animals I’ve ever seen is the baboon. I’ve always wondered why their bottoms are so big and red! :-)

My office is located on the same exit as Riverbanks Zoo. Because it’s so close, I decided to purchase a zoo membership and to visit the zoo as often as I can. When I go to Riverbanks, I like to visit the Brown Bears and hope that they’ll go swimming while I watch. I like to visit the Koala bears and watch them sleep. I like to visit the snakes because I feel as if cringing at their presence makes me stronger. And I like to visit the Sea Garden Eels because they make me laugh. The eels in the picture that I’m posting today are out way further than the ones at Riverbank have ever been. To me, they look like the little worm in Richard Scarry books, and they make me laugh as they poke out their heads and look around, stretching and reaching and exploring…but immediately retreating back into their holes if they hear a noise or sense a threat. I wonder if they ever get tired of their little holes and move or if they just stay in one place for their whole lives—popping their heads out and thinking about the tank around them but being too afraid to move.

Sunday, before returning to South Carolina after leading worship in North Carolina, I decided to visit the North Carolina Zoological Park in Asheboro with some friends. I had been to the NC Zoo before but I hadn’t been in awhile. The NC Zoo is HUGE! But because we went during late afternoon, many of the animals weren’t out. Even so, it was still neat to walk around and to see the natural beauty of that part of NC and to observe the plants and flowers that never hide from their onlookers.

My very, very favorite part of Sunday's zoo trip, though, made missing so many other animals worth it: I got to watch the Polar Bear swim…and then I got to see him walking around after! I realize that Polar Bears are probably very dangerous, but if I could have gotten into the water and played with Mr. Polar Bear, then I would have done it. He looked so soft and fluffy and happy and playful that I just wanted to squeeze him. And he was so big! And his swimming and treading water motions were so human. And I was so extremely fascinated by his beauty that all I could do was stand and watch and prevent small children from taking my place. I know. That was not kind. But that’s how enthralled I was by the whole scene.

Sometimes it amazes me to think that the same God who created armadillos and roaches also created sea garden eels and bears…and me. But God did. Our God of amazing creativity is a God with both a sense of humor and a deep, deep appreciation for beauty. And today, as I reflect on my experiences at the zoo that is home to the funny eels and the one that has a cold pool for a polar bear, I am humbly grateful that I am part of God’s creation and that I get to share this earth with fascinating plants and creatures. What about you?

Dear Self

As part of a training that I attended yesterday and today, I was asked to think back to the years of my early adolescence. I was asked to think about how I looked, dressed, felt, and acted, and what events stood out to me from those years. After a few minutes of letting those memories flood my mind, I was asked to write a letter to my adolescent self, knowing what I know now.

While the women around me feverishly began to write, I sat and stared at my blank sheet of paper. I had no idea what I wanted to write to my adolescent self because I knew that what I know now would have never registered with who I was then. I knew that had my adolescent self made any other life choices than the ones I made, then I would not be who I am today. Sure, I may have been healthier sooner, but I would not have the understanding, depth, compassion, and grace that I do now. And so I sat. And I stared…

In order to finally write something, I had to step outside of myself and imagine myself writing to all adolescents. I had to imagine my adolescent self not as the Deanna that I both love and hate but as the Deanna that is connected to all of humanity. And here is what I finally wrote:

Dear Me,

You don’t have to try so hard to be loved. You don’t have to be perfect. You are okay just as you are.

I love you. And I believe in you.

I love and believe in who you are now and I love and believe in who you are becoming.

You are going to be okay. And you are not alone.

Love,
Me


What about you, dear reader? What did your early adolescence look like? And what would you tell your adolescent self now?

Get UnCARBONated

As I glanced through my Toyota Center Newsletter last week, I didn’t expect to find an article that I could use for work. But I did. The article was called “Get UnCARBONated,” and I was challenged by its closing points:

What can be done to improve our own carbon footprints without detracting from our quality of life? The answer is “carbon offsets.” According to the Collins English Dictionary, a carbon offset is “a compensatory measure made by an individual or company for carbon emissions, usually through sponsoring activities or projects which increase carbon dioxide absorption, such as tree planting.”

While simple behavior modifications are encouraged such as using public transportation, unplugging household items when they are not in use, and cutting back on unnecessary energy consumption, another simple way to improve your carbon footprint is by planting trees and supporting reforestation work efforts such as American Forests’ Global ReLeaf and Carbonfund.org. Reduced carbon emissions aren’t the only benefit of these efforts; reforestation and carbon offset projects also create jobs, preserve wildlife habitats, protect biodiversity and improve local environmental quality. It’s a win-win for you and your environment.After reading the article, I went a mini-hyper-focus about doing my part to improve my carbon footprint. Instead of leading a women’s retreat activity that originally called for cut flowers, I led the activity with plants (cactuses). When I saw a bamboo plant whose tag said, “O2 For You: Houseplants With A Purpose. Generates Oxygen. Adds humidity to room air during dry conditions. Creates healthier living environment. Purifies the air of impurities,” I decided to buy it. And then I finally decided to buy a new pot for the plant that I’ve had in my office since it was given to me as a thank you in the fall.

This morning, I named my plants Carl the Cactus, Bill the Bamboo, and Pete the Plant. This afternoon, my co-worker Donna and I repotted Pete. [Well, to be truthful, Donna repotted Pete and I observed and listened so that I could learn.] I am going to talk to and nurture Carl, Bill, and Pete and attempt to learn more about plants. I’m also going to look into reforestation efforts and promote carbon offsets as much as I can.

What about you?

Do you have plants/flowers and trees that you tend to? Do you name them? If so, what are their names?

Do you support reforestation or other tree planting efforts?

Have you made behavior modifications to improve your carbon footprint? If so, what are they?

Do you have something else to share about becoming UnCARBONated?

A Breathing Road Trip

I made a road trip over the weekend. I drove to Jacksonville, Florida, both to visit my grandmother who is in rehab and to spend Mother’s Day with my mom who was visiting her mother who is in rehab. In preparation for the trip, I purchased three new audio books. The book I chose to listen to first was, “A Long Way Gone: Memoirs of a Boy Soldier,” by Ishmael Beah…

Shortly arriving in Jacksonville on Saturday, I went to the rehabilitation center where my grandmother is staying. After walking to the far end of the center, I arrived in her room to see her sitting in her wheelchair smiling at me, her hair flat on her head. In my 33 years of life, G-mama has never worn her hair flat on her head! It startled me at first because it made her look so different, yet I like it. I think the style looks very good on her.

G-mama is sharing a room with a woman named Dolly. If you’ve ever read, “The Shack,” then picture the image of God that the author portrays and you will have a pretty good physical image of Dolly. Dolly is a 76 year old African American woman who has emphysema. There is nothing that can be done for her, yet she is living the remainder of her days as well as she can—being the teacher that she inevitably was and mentoring church members on how to teach children various Bible studies and books of the Bible when asked. Dolly has a stockpile of graham crackers and other food in her bottom drawer, and she loves to eat. Today before I left, after G-mama commented that she wasn’t hungry, Dolly said, “I look forward to the day when I’m not hungry. I clean my plate every meal and then usually look for more!”

Dolly almost died last night. Her family had come to visit for Mother’s Day and they had taken her outside for a visit. When she got back to the room, she couldn’t catch her breath. After using her inhaler and beginning a nebulizer treatment, she still couldn’t breathe. She called for the nurse and he immediately came to help her. I don’t know what he did because he pulled the curtains for privacy. Whatever it was, he helped her pull through, and she and G-mama passed the night together in their room.

Watching Dolly try to breathe was painful--even when she wasn't having an emergency. Her not being able to catch her breath made me grateful that I could. I think of dreams from which I’ve awoken gasping for breath and I imagine how frightening it must feel not to be able to breathe in the very breath that gives us life…

As I listened to my book today, I frowned in horror as I heard the story of soldiers purposefully burying their enemies alive. I imagine how awful it must have been for the prisoners not to be able to breathe…and I find myself taking deep, deep breaths…maybe like you are doing now.

In the beginning, God breathed life into this world. It was God’s breath that brought life to humankind and it is that same breath that sustains us today. May we never take this breath of life for granted and may we use each breath of our lives to be present in things that really matter…like road trips to see our grandmothers and mothers and doing what we can to make them smile.

God As Mother

While we most often refer to God as Father, God is also depicted as mother in scripture. Take a few moments to read Psalm 131; Isaiah 66:13; and Zephaniah 3:17.

Now take a few moments to sit back and imagine:

You are an infant, lying in your tiny crib. Waking suddenly in the night, you feel frightened and begin to cry. Your body tenses up. You're alone and disoriented. You don't know what's wrong, but you cry because something is. Feel your frustration, fear, and helplessness.

(Pause a moment.)

A soft voice comes out of the darkness, and gentle hands pick you up. "Hush, my baby, mommy's here." Your body begins to relax as your mother sings over you and rocks you back and forth, back and forth. Your tears stop, and you snuggle into the warmth of your mother's arms.

Your worries and fears are gone now. Nothing concerns you. There's nothing you need. Rest in the arms of your mother, your head pressed against her chest. You hear the rhythmic beating of her heart and feel her chest gently rising and falling with each breath she takes. You're completely safe and perfectly loved.

(Pause a moment.)

As you continue to rest, gently change your perspective. This is not your physical mother who rocks and holds you so lovingly. This is God, your Mother. God, the Life-Giver and Nurturer, holds you gently, enveloping you in love. God, your Mother, wipes your tears and smiles while gazing into the beautiful face of her beloved child.

Rest in the arms of your Mother. Rest in the arms of God.

--taken from Imaginative Prayer for Youth Ministry

A Free Prayer

Baptist tradition is built upon four freedoms: Bible, Soul, Religious, and Church Freedom. Bible freedom means that we can each read the Bible for ourselves and allow the Holy Spirit to speak to us. Soul freedom means that we should each, in our own time, have a personal relationship with God through Jesus Christ. Religious freedom means that we should each be able to worship freely and that church and state should be separate. And church freedom means that each church should govern itself according to how it feels led rather than having a higher governing body.

The tenants of Baptist tradition are good. They emphasize freedom. But when overemphasized, those same freedoms separate us from the beauty and richness of church tradition--both in the church calendar and in the rich liturgy of worship and prayer that has grounded Christians throughout Christian history.

Today, on this National Day of Prayer, I, a Baptist, have connected with Christians from around the world, through both time and space, by praying from The Book of Common Prayer that I inherited from my friend and mentor Kay Simpson. Kay had dog-eared the pages of "Prayers for National Life," and just as Kay once prayed and other Christians are praying, I now pray (with a few personal liberties) and ask you now to pray with me:

O Lord our God, bless us, that we may be a people at peace among ourselves and a blessing to those around us.

Lord, keep us under your care.

To the President, members of the Cabinet, to the Governors of States, Mayors of Cities, Presidents of Companies, Principals of Schools, Pastors of Churches, and to all in administrative authority, grant wisdom and grace in the exercise of their duties.

Give grace to your servants, O Lord.

To Senators and Representatives, Board Members, and Deacons, and all those who make our laws in States, Cities, Towns, Companies, and Churches, give courage, wisdom, and foresight to provide for the needs of all our people, and to fulfill our obligations in the community of your creation.

Give grace to your servants, O Lord.

To the Judges and officers of our Courts, give understanding and integrity, that human rights may be safeguarded and justice served.

Give grade to your servants, O Lord.

And finally, God, teach us to rely on your strength and to accept our responsibilities as citizens both of this country and world. Bless us with honorable industry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion; from pride and arrogance and from every evil way. Defend our liberties and fashion into one united people the multitude brought here from around the world. Fill us with a spirit of wisdom, that there may be justice and peace in our homes, cities, states, nation, and world. In times of prosperity, fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in days of trouble, hear our cries of reliance on you.

We ask all of this through our Redeemer, Jesus Christ, our Lord.

Amen.

Pray, Educate, and Advocate For Spoons?

Have you ever mis-communicated with someone? Maybe you were trying to do too many things at once and couldn't properly focus on the conversation? Or maybe you just genuinely heard something wrong?

Take, for instance, trying to write a research paper while having a conversation about the pictures your best friend just downloaded from her phone. Say that you are researching how to support missionaries in a foreign country while your friend is talking about how she has helped organize her kitchen. You are so focused on your research paper that you don't hear her say, "Do you think the spoons are out of place?" and instead say, "Pray. Educate. And Advocate!" "Pray, educate, and advocate for spoons?" she says. "No?" you say. But...it's certainly what you answer because you aren't paying attention.

Or, say, for instance, someone asks you to buy twelve and a half dozen eggs. You say, "Twelve and a half dozen eggs?!" She says, "Yeh. Twelve and a half dozen eggs." You say, "You're sure. Twelve and a half dozen eggs?" She says, "Yes." So you buy twelve and a half dozen eggs--150 eggs--only to have most of them thrown away because you buy way too many eggs because someone only needs 18 eggs. In her mind, she was telling you to buy 12 eggs + 6 eggs (a half dozen), but in your mind you heard twelve and a half dozen.

Communication is a tricky thing and miscommunication is very easy! So, when communicating, make sure:

1) You focus on the conversation instead of doing too many things at once.

2) You understand the perspective of the person you are talking to. Ask questions when needed.

Jesus was a good listener and communicator. Let us be the same.

Whole (Colors Of Our God)

On Wednesday night, March 28, 2007, I walked down the driveway to get the mail. As I walked, my feet drug the ground and left a path in the pollen behind me. When I got back to the house, I sat down at the piano and started playing. One hour later, a song had emerged.

Just three weeks prior to that night, I had started counseling. I had begun to rewrite my script and to view myself with different eyes. I wrote this on March 9, 2007:

(struggling through tears) I am an authentic being…and a whole self. And I have to recognize what I’m feeling and how things affect me…and when I’m hurt and when I’m angry…and not always just try to feel for other people and try to make them better…

Anger tends to be a mask for something deeper. Umm…it’s an indication that you’re feeling something but there’s usually something beyond that—umm…rejection, misunderstanding, something deeper so…be able to think through the anger and understand what I’m feeling. I mostly feel rejected and used and…like I don’t matter.

There’s a difference between throwing out a lifeline and jumping in and drowning with a person. Usually, you always throw in the…the line first, umm…try to pull somebody out and keep your own identity before you actually jump in with the person and kind of become as one with them. It’s the same thing with a pit—when you jump into a pit with a person and identify with them then you lose yourself and it’s harder for you to be able to get yourself out of the pit. And I tend to…jump in with people and become that person and identify with the person…rather than throwing in a lifeline.

Jesus was pretty good at taking care of himself. He went off by himself and surrounded himself with friends and laughed and ate and drank and…took care of himself so that he could be the best for everybody else.

Taking care of other people is second nature to me. I probably learned it a really long time ago—just to always take care of the other person rather than thinking about what I’m feeling.

Maybe part of the reason that I get wrapped up in other people’s lives—and try to influence or control what they do…is because I feel like they’re worth it while I feel like I’m not. Maybe I identify with other people…because…I feel like there’s an emptiness inside of me…that says that I’m not worth working on—that I’m not worth taking care of ultimately—that I should take care of other people because they have more to give and more to offer than I do.
Now read the words to the song that emerged that Wednesday night. I was far from believing these words when I wrote them…yet they were my declaration of becoming…whole.

Whole

A cloud of yellow comes and settles on my soul
Replacing sheets of white—cold
Nature has been waiting for this yellow on my soul
Agonizing in the pains of death

Tender, warm, new buds they bloom and yellow floods my soul
Bitter, stale the old passes away
My throat is scratchy from the yellow on my soul
My words are hoarse from the dark night

But listen now: this is my voice
It’s bursting into life
Singing with the colors of our God…

Three short months extended into countless draining years
Deceiving lies leading astray
Destructive screaming from this world created chaos here
Whispers of the truth could not be heard

But listen now: this is my voice
This is who I am
Created in the image of our God
Loved not for the things I do
But loved for who I am
And who I am learning to be

I’m not perfect—I will fail
But I believe in God’s grace
I am gifted and unique
I am worthy of God’s grace
I’m authentic—I’m okay
And I stand upon God’s grace
I’m on a journey—not alone
I’m a member of God’s grace

So listen now: this is my voice
This is who I am
Created in the image of our God
Loved not for the things I do
But loved for who I am
And who I am learning to be

Yes, listen now: this is my voice
It’s bursting into life
Singing with the colors of our God…

A cloud of yellow comes and settles on my soul
Replacing broken sheets—whole…
God...Thank you for transformation. And thank you for making brokenness whole.