Change and Consistency

I was looking through an old journal yesterday and I was amazed at how so many things had changed...yet how so many had stayed the same. [I was also grieved that I've slacked off on my journalling and awed by some of the things that I've written that are very wise. But that's not the point of this entry--my final one of 2010 :-)].

One particular entry from October 13, 2008, illustrates perfectly this dichotomy of change and consistency. I'll post my original writing, unedited, in italics and then I'll write my current response in bold.

--i have a new goal in life: get my neighbor's dog to let me pet him. he's a little yippy dog that used to annoy me. all he would do is bark incessently and pee on my car tires. my dad has won his affection, however, and in learning the dog's story, i have changed my opinion of him. the dog, bullet, was severely abused by his previous owner who then left him in a parking lot to die. my neighbor found him and brought him home. knowing this, i have sympathy for the little guy and i understand why he is so afraid of everyone. and yet--if my dad can do it--then i can do it :-)! bullet will like me one day! and right now? he's already the backround on my phone. hehe.

Bullet Williams Deaton is laying on a towel on the couch beside me. Since returning home from Florida, I have been scratched by Bullet's long paws as my attention has been demanded, my hands and arms have been licked in affection, and my cheek has been kissed. I have played tug of war with Bullet and his favorite toy and I have played catch with Bullet's Build-A-Bear--both of which I gave him. I have spent countless dollars on dog treats and dog toys, not because I am still trying to win the dog's affection but because I have won it and he has won mine. Bullet makes me itch, sheds terribly, and stinks, but I love him. And he loves me. And watching his devotion to my dad is one of the cutest things I have ever seen. My dad is big man; Bullet is a little dog. Watching Bullet follow my dad around and hearing my dad talk to the little guy warms my heart and makes me want to follow Christ and be fiercely devoted to Christ just as Bullet is devoted to, loyal to, and in a state of constant love for my dad...

Two years later, I'm not trying to win Bullet's affection; I have it. That much has changed.

--i enjoyed my time with my family. they left to go back home today. it's always sad when my grandmother leaves because i never know if it will be the last time i see her. her sister fell over the weekend and was so confused that she stayed on her bathroom floor all night. luckily, her children arrived at her house to pick her up for the family reunion and found her there. i fear that something like that will happen to my grandmother, and the thoughts make me so sad. she said more than once this week that she was getting old and feeble--moving so much slower than she used to. it's as if her spirit is slowly dying as her friends and family are slowly dying. i pray for her safety and for a peaceful remainder of her life...however many more years that it is.

Two years later, I am still sad when I leave G-mama because I don't know what the future holds for her. As I told her goodbye today, the old familiar question of "Will this be the last" played in my mind, yet I looked her in the eye and made her laugh nonetheless, attempting to create a memory to hold on to forever. More than ever, G-mama seems old and feeble, frail and tired. I suppose that after 88 years of living, I'd be frail and tired, too. She's lived in the same house for 52 and a half years, and I've been visiting her there for 33 of those years. I have played many games; built many forts; had many laughs; opened many presents; eaten a lot of ham, green beans, rolls, cool-whip, snacks, and desserts; and had many allergic reactions (complete with running nose and weepy eyes) to something there...all with G-mama in the background, scurrying around to get food on the table and blankets on the bed. I don't know how many more years that will happen--if ever again--yet I will continue to pray for her safety and a peaceful remainder of her life...however long it is.

And so...as 2010 comes to a close and I sit on the couch beside Bullet and cry, I am reminded just how much life has changed...yet just how much it has stayed the same...

And I suppose that it will always be this way: a constant dichotomy of change and consistency...fueled by time...under-girded by hope...and infused by the deep, unwavering, unchanging yet ever deepening reality of Love.