One Who Shows Up

I was up until 5 this morning gathering and saving words from 2014. Conversations. Songs. Messages of affirmation. My walls are filled with words—artistic renditions of inspirational sayings, poignant painting titles, memories of the circumstances and words attached with sketches. My paper files are filled with words—cards sent in the mail, notes received at work, scraps of paper collected at retreats. My computer files are filled with words—e-mails, texts, poems, letters. As I’ve said before, words are both my salvation and my kryptonite.

I found some interesting texts last night. Ones that made me think. Ones that allowed me both to reflect backward and imagine forward. And here are the ones that I keep thinking about today:

First, one that I wrote: “I’m listening to a Sara Groves’ CD that I haven’t heard in a few years. Sara Groves is my favorite singer/songwriter. In the song, I think she perfectly captures my desire to know people: ‘And at the risk of wearing out my welcome, at the risk of self discovery, I'll take every moment, and every minute that you'll give me.’”

Next, one that I received during a conversation about a gift-giving crisis that I’ve been having—mainly about how some people willingly accept gifts while others see gifts with strings attached: “You have to choose the right people.”

Finally, one that I received while discussing future vacation plans: “She’s always shown up. I’m going to spend this year focusing on people who show up rather than worrying about the rest.”

…

I wrote a poem the other day:

I saw you as approachable and kind,
A good hearted-soul, called to serve and give.
I gave you my confidence and trust
And you shattered them against the walls of your box.

I cared for you and chose you as friend.
Yet you saw me as someone who singled you out
Not because of genuine desire to know you
But out of malicious intent to do you harm.

I was not your past.

Yet present and future have turned to past
As zoning out with eyes glazed-over is not my idea of friendship.
One-sided conversation with one-word responses void of trust and vulnerability
Is not worth walking on eggshells while carrying the shards of a constantly breaking heart.

I saw you as approachable and kind,
A good hearted-soul, called to serve and give.
I was wrong.
I am cleaning up my mess.
I am leaving you to the walls of your box.

…

I think maybe the right people—
The ones with whom it’s safe to risk self-discovery—
The ones with whom I can rest in the desire to spend
Every moment and minute that they’ll give—
Are the ones who daily choose to step outside the walls of self-preservation,
Show up,
And risk the same.

Dear God,
this year,
help me be a friend who shows up.
And help me
focus on and surround myself
with the same.
Love.
Always, love.
Amen.