Smiling Back At Me

I almost quit.
I almost walked out of the hospital in March and didn’t go back.
But I decided to stay the course.
And I’m so glad that I did.
My one unit of Clinical Pastoral Education profoundly changed my life.

As I begin 2014, I can’t help but think back on 2013 and be grateful for the year that I had. As I wrote in last year’s beginning of the year note, I “got myself into God” and God did amazing things in, with, in-spite-of, and through me.

I learned that all I can really do in life is celebrate when I realize it’s safe to wear comfy shoes and then show up with my comfy shoes on and see what happens. Sometimes it will be wonderful. Sometimes it will not. But as long as I remain present, for however long or short I stay, life is there.

I learned that with as much as I’ve lost, there is so much more. With the death of one dream, there is the space for another to grow. With the loss of one hope, there is the addition of countless others. With the absence of one friend, there is the presence of many more. I am blessed. I am abundantly blessed. And no matter how much I’ve lost, there is so much more.

I learned that the gift giver must give. I am a natural gift giver. Giving gifts is an extension of my arms. But not everyone can receive those gifts without feeling as if the extension comes with strings attached. For some, gifts are or have been used to purchase affection, manipulate actions, or influence love. For some, receiving gifts sparks panic or creates guilt so deep that it overwhelms genuine care and good intention. I learned that this year. And I learned that I must be mindful not only of my need to give but also of the receivers’ abilities to receive. I must weigh the price of the gift with the emotional depth of connection. I must consider when not giving a gift is actually a better gift than anything I could create or buy. But I must not stop giving, for to stop giving is to suffocate a central part of who I am.

I learned that God is unpredictable. Never would I have imagined that I would be teaching again, yet my teaching stuff is unpacked, my music classroom is set, and my bedroom and car are both full of stuff to be taken to my greatest place of ministry yet. After I chose to stay the chaplaincy course in March, I chose to embrace the chaplaincy course for the long-haul. When I thought I was heading heart-first into more chaplaincy work, God was steering me toward the lowest performing school in the county and making it so abundantly clear that it was where I needed to be that all I could do was cry tears of excitedly ironic relief. God is so unpredictable. Yet. It’s kind of neat to see where God leads…especially when every experience prepares you for the next…and a preacher surprises you so profoundly that you truly desire to attend worship for the first time in years.

I was emotionally ambushed that day that I almost quit in March. Everything I thought I’d been doing right was evidently wrong and my ability to please people had failed. I was hurt. I was confused. I was exhausted. And I was ready to give up. Yet I didn’t. I dug down deep and found parts of myself that I didn’t know existed.

And my eyes were opened.

And my life was changed.

And my feet were freed to walk right back into the public schools to find the good that is, to give to my heart’s desire, and to sing with an unpredictable God who is smiling back at me.