Maybe Trying Is Good Enough

I’m a good talker. I share what’s on my mind with close friends, family, and my counselor, and I stay in tune with what’s going on in my heart and soul through writing and talking to the same. I don’t pretend to be perfect. I don’t pretend to have to have everything together. I don’t try to hide my weaknesses and insecurities because I truly believe in the value of sharing together common humanity. But I realized this week that I’m not a good confessor.

I’m not a good confessor to God and myself.

It’s the seemingly small things that like to hide—those nagging fears and doubts that I don’t want to speak—those self-centered, self-preserving, self-elevating thoughts that I don’t want to admit—the ones that are mixed with thoughts and prayers for others—the ones that stand in judgment of persons and organizations who have hurt me and that want those persons and organizations to hurt, even suffer, in return…

It’s those thoughts—those ugly, ugly thoughts—those thoughts that lay relatively dormant but are there nonetheless—that I cringe to confess.

And yet…

Lying in the bed the other night, I found those thoughts pouring from my mouth.

As I struggled to pray for “somebody that I used to know,” I realized that I didn’t know how—I realized that I didn’t know what—to pray for those who have hurt and/or persecuted me. I realized that it’s hard to pray blessings when blessings have been taken away. It’s hard to pray prosperity when work and call have been denied. It’s hard to pray goodness when trust has been betrayed. Yet it’s easy to pray for reconciliation—to pray that time will pass and God will move and love will win…and…well…I will be proven “right” and “okay” and “a really good, loving, patient, kind, and graceful friend and Child of God.”

And so I confessed…all of those sickening thoughts…all of those thoughts that make me feel like dirt for thinking them…all of those thoughts that scream of my utter humanity and inability to love unconditionally…and I’ve continued to struggle with the how and what to pray.

Love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you.

Greater love has no one than this that he lay down his life for his friends.

And the greatest commandment is this: Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself.

I know these things. Really I do. I believe them. I speak of them. I fully believe them. I want to do them with everything I am. I was moved to tears as the pastor spoke of this on Sunday.

But when life gets messy and relationships get broken. When prejudice roots itself into the system and distrust becomes a way of life. When culture changes rapidly and scriptural interpretation becomes unclear. When self-care is condemned as laziness and service guilted into hearts. When programs are abused and injustice triumphs. When us stands against them and black and white disappear to color. When God’s name is used as a weapon and it seems that the damage cannot be undone…

How do I love? What look does it take?

How and what do I pray? What sounds do I make?

How do I find the strength to keep going when the way is unclear?

How do I find the courage to keep confessing when confession opens such raw wounds?

I confess that I do not know.

But I admit that I’m trying.

And I’m hoping that trying is good enough.

Holy Spirit?
I’m groaning.
And I’m thankful for forgiveness on this journey.
And what a journey it is.
Amen.