A Colourful Ego

A conversation with a friend yesterday brought to mind my favorite poem. Chances are good that I've posted it before or that I’ll post it again, but I want to post it today because of what I’ve learned over the past two days. This morning, we finished an 8 hour spiritual development workshop entitled, “Lead Like Jesus.” I must admit that I wasn’t excited about having to attend this workshop; however, I was wrong to discount the time before giving it a try. The material was actually very good--something that I could see myself leading one day. In fact, I asked the presenter how I could become a trained facilitator after today’s session was over and he gave me all the information that I need.

During the first part of the seminar yesterday afternoon, we examined the heart. The leader presented the concept that we let our EGO's get in the way of leading like Jesus. EGO stands for Edging God Out and the two things that most often edge out God are pride and fear. While sitting through that part of the seminar, I realized that I need to examine my pride, figure out the areas where I am prideful, and begin working on those areas. I know they exist, but pride is not an area that I tend to focus on when naming my demons.

But fear...most people who know me know that fear often paralyzes me. The workbook that we're using said that fear is "an insecure view of the future producing self-protection." Self protection makes one hide behind their position, withhold information in an effort to hold on to power, try to intimidate others, try to hoard control, and run from honest feedback. Fear and pride are said to separate a person from God, others, and self; lead to unhappiness through comparisons; and distort the truth into a false sense of security and self. The opposite of fear is confidence in God's love, resting assured in God's nature, goodness, purpose, plan, process and provision; being transparent; and proceeding in faith one step at a time.

While I do rest (or at least actively attempt to rest--that's an oxymoron, eh? :-)) in God's nature, love, goodness, process, and provision, and while I am fairly transparent with many people, I realized yesterday that I don't always rest in God's purpose and plan because I don't understand God's purpose and plan, where I fit in how it plays out, how free-will fits with any of it, or if "it" really exists. I don't understand God's interaction with this world, God's answering of prayers, God's allowance of deep suffering, and so many other things. So while I want to move forward in faith one step at a time, and while I'm learning that the process of journey is where life abides, I still often live in fear. Not in fear of dying. But in fear of failing. Fear of not being good enough. Fear of being alone. Fear of making the wrong decisions. Fear of being abandoned...even though I will scream until I'm blue in the face that we are never, ever alone. I truly believe that...I just have a hard time feeling it for myself.

So I suppose this poem resonates with me because of my deep, underlying fears...fears that have often turned to reality. I first read this poem in the tenth grade. It’s the only thing I remember from that year’s English class. Since that time—and even before—I have loved deeply more times that I can count but had to watch that love die as people have walked away.

I don't want to live in fear. I don't want to greet life with a skepticism that never really fades. I've just seen and felt too much unwarranted heartache to be able to ignore it and believe that life always ends up happily ever after. Maybe it does. Maybe heaven is the happily ever after. Then again, maybe my faith just isn't strong enough and my expectations are too high. I don't know. But I know that I'm going to keep fighting my fears and trying to embrace this life with the faith and joy and hope and peace and love that I know exist and that I know are God’s ultimate design for God’s beloved.

I hope you'll join me in doing the same.

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Colours

When your face
appeared over my crumpled life
at first I understood
only the poverty of what I have.
Then its particular light
on woods, on rivers, on the sea
became my beginning in the coloured world
in which I had not yet had my beginning.
I am so frightened, I am so frightened,
of the unexpected sunrise finishing,
of revelations
and tears and the excitement finishing.
I don't fight it, my love is this fear,
I nourish it who can nourish nothing,
love's shipshod watchman.
Fear hems me in.
I am conscious that these minutes are short
and the colours in my eyes will vanish
when your face sets.

--Yevgeny Yevtushenko