On Tuesday, I visited my friend Courtney’s blog and found a refreshingly honest post about some of her struggles with faith. I found myself answering, “Yes!” to her opening question, “Have you ever had a time in your spiritual journey where you stopped and thought: is this whole thing real? God…creating the world, redeeming humankind through sending His Son to be born of a virgin and die on a cross and rise again?” and kept reading till the very end.
(To read Courtney’s blog post, visit http://mymissionfulfilled.com/index.php?q=blog%2Ffaith-grace-hope)
After reading the post, I wrote Courtney to tell her thank you for sharing the post. She wrote me back and thanked me for thanking her for sharing the post. Then I wrote her back with the message that follows.
Like Courtney, I am hesitant to post my thoughts in fear of what people may think, yet I, too, want to believe that I’m not the only person who has these thoughts at times. Maybe I’m wrong, but it seems to me that when we realize we’re not completely alone in our thinking, then it lightens the weight of loneliness and shame…it allows us to carry one another’s burdens and walk together in faith.
Thank you for being bold enough to start a conversation, Courtney. I admire and thank you…
You're definitely not the only one who has these doubts. Sometimes I feel like I'm the only one, too--especially in the WMU world.
I'm also a very deep feeler. But our feelings have done different things to us...which I'm trying to process as I write. I don't know that I've ever not felt God. I mean. I've walked through periods of darkness--very deep, silent darkness--yet I knew that God was with me. There were nights when I would wrestle myself to sleep—there are nights when I still do—I wonder if it was/is similar to how Jacob wrestled--yet I could see an image of Jesus standing beside me, crying with and for me, while I was literally saying, "I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry." The image didn’t leave. Jesus stayed with me through my tears and pain, looking at me with utter compassion. And then there were—and are—other times when I imagine God sitting in one place with a match box while I wander around a dark room with a match trying to reconnect and strike a spark so that I can once again see the Light that has faded but not disappeared.
So, in my own life, I guess I've never doubted God's presence. I've doubted if God could love me. I've doubted God's direct intervention/interaction through prayer--like if my prayers actually change anything but me. But even through those doubts, I pray, "God. I don't know if you're real. I don't know if you answer prayers. I don't know how this works, but..." and I keep praying. I say, "Dear God," throughout the day every day. To me, God is...
Yet...my logic tells me that this could easily all be made up--that we all need a story bigger than ourselves to believe in and the Christ story is a good one to believe in. It offers hope when times are hard--which they always are--it pulls for the underdog--and the Christian story can be used to provide clear moral guidelines for people who need those guidelines to follow. Unfortunately, the Christian story has been used to hurt and abuse people and is still used for that; however, it's a good story to move one beyond self and into a higher purpose.
Prayer is a good way to slow down, reflect, speak healing words into existence, and connect with other people. Does it work, though? I don't know. I don't get how my prayers can influence God to change God's mind if God is God. If God changes God’s mind because of people’s prayers, then it seems like the best pray-er wins—that he/she sways God to their side—and then that doesn't seem right. So I don’t understand prayer—though I pray all the time.
And I struggle with the problem of suffering--of so many people in this world suffering so much and God allowing the suffering to occur. I know the story of fallen humanity. But it just doesn't seem right for people who have done nothing wrong--for people who have just been born into a broken culture and society--to suffer so much. And that leaves me doubting heaven and hell. How can God allow God's creation--that I believe God loves--to be separated from God eternally? And then if we get into thoughts of predestination and God knowing who will and will not spend eternity in heaven…or if I think of God allowing persons to be born knowing that they will go to hell...or if I think of all of the Jews who suffered hell on earth in the Holocaust having to suffer even more "eternally" because they did not follow Christ…well…those thoughts stump me and make me wonder if we've just made all of this up to give us hope right now...
And yet...I feel God and see God and really, really desire to be part of God's redemption of this world--not just humanity but the earth, too.
One of my friends once said that I would believe in God even if I knew that God didn't exist. I think she's right.
I do believe. Somehow I believe. In my spirit as I write this, I believe. I actually feel somewhat odd writing out my doubts...like they’re wrong…yet they're so real...even as I believe.
I guess, as you said, "I know in my heart of hears that [God] is real and [God] is faithful." And I believe in grace. And hope. And the light of Love and the power of Love to transform this world. And that God IS love...
*I take a deep breath*
Sometimes I just want to give Jesus a big hug. And when I do, I really want him to have dreadlocks and to kiss me on the top of my head and breathe light and love and peace all around me as he smiles a gentle smile that says, “I love you so much—overactive Thinker and all…”
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