I don’t sing well with myself. Seriously. Dee’s and Dee’s voices don’t sound very good together. I sing better with myself when singing harmony. But singing in unison? It’s not my strong suit. It wasn’t thirteen years ago when I recorded my first CD, and it wasn’t today as I tried to sing with myself in the car. Thankfully my best friend Angela recorded the CD with me…because Dee and Angela actually sound pretty good together.
Now…I don’t usually drive around listening to my own music; however, a good friend recently made a mix CD for me, on which she included six of my songs. Most of the time, I skip over those songs (because I feel a little narcissistic listening to my own music), but today I let the CD play. [By the way, it’s humblingly weird to know that those six songs rank as some of my friend’s all-time favorites, alongside truly famous songs by truly famous singers and bands!]
As I listened to three of the six songs today, my mind took me on a journey down memory lane—a journey on which I remembered when and where the songs were birthed and felt the depth of emotions surrounding the processes. I remembered sitting in the Centennial Building at Mundo Vista with my friend Allison; sitting in the sanctuary of Friendship Baptist Church feeling alone; and pouring out my soul in a practice room at Mars Hill College one hot summer night. As I remembered, I marveled at just how far life has brought me while somehow leading me back to the same places again.
Just as I got stuck in a sea of helplessness in that practice room that night, wondering what in the world I was doing with my life and how in the world I could make a difference with anything when so much around me was broken—including myself—I find myself swimming in that sea over and over again.
HERE ARE THE LYRICS to the song I prayed that night—through very hard tears and very loud banging on the piano. (And here are the struggles and thoughts that I had then, mixed with the struggles and thoughts that I have now—even today—presented as a very real and somewhat embarrassing picture of me.)
IT’S NOT UP TO ME (This title is very true.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LIKE ME (I really desire for people to like me and to tell me that they appreciate me. I don’t like not being liked.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LISTEN (I really like for people to listen and look like they’re listening when I’m speaking or singing and I really want to say or sing things that make a difference)
I DON’T HAVE TO MEND THEIR BROKEN HEARTS (Thanks to my dad, I am a rescuer. When people are hurting, I want to help. When something is broken, I want to make it better. In fact, it hurts me to know that someone is hurting)
I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS (And I especially don’t want to give someone mis-information)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL (Yep…I do)…
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LOVE HIM (Love God. Love people. Love self. That’s what Jesus commanded)
THAT IS MY CALL (Yep…it is.)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SERVE HIM EVEN WHEN I FALL (Love God. Love people. Love self. Do the work. And when I mess up—which I will—remember that I’m not alone in this world and that I have the strength to get up and try again)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SAY, “LORD HERE I AM” (Be open. Be willing. Be still in God’s presence. Breathe.)
USE ME FOR YOUR GLORY, LORD USE ME FOR YOUR PLAN (Help me act upon our holistic plan of redemption and to live authentically in you)
EVEN WHEN…
I DON’T HAVE TO IMPRESS THEM (I confess: I want to appear smart, wise, gifted, etc.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM CRY (When I sing or speak and people cry, then it’s usually a sign that God is moving in their lives. So when no one cries, I often feel like I’ve failed)
I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT (I’m a perfectionist. Sometimes I don’t do things if I don’t think I can do them well)
I DON’T HAVE TO SAVE THEIR SOULS (Though I often get the impression that I must need that power in the evangelical church)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL…(Yep…I do)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (Sometimes it’s okay not to say anything. Just listen)
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO (Sometimes it’s okay not to do anything. Just be present)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT (Sometimes it’s okay not to pretend. Just be myself)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL (Sometimes it’s okay not to have a name for my feelings. Just feel them and figure things out in time)
OH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (God will guide me if I remain open to God’s spirit)
BUT THAT IS OKAY (It really is okay, Deanna.)
‘CAUSE IT’S NOT UP TO ME (There’s only so much you can do in this world. Other people have to make choices and decisions, too. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink,” right? And your relationship with God is yours—in context of Christian community—just as someone else’s relationship with God is theirs. You can change no one by yourself, so you must simply—though it’s not simple—be true to your call to love and serve and be you…and trust God and trust others with the rest. Remember: God’s thoughts are bigger than yours and God’s ways are higher than your ways)
What are the seas that you always come back to? And what is it that you thank God is not up to you—not in an apathetic way—but in a way that you realize that you have got to stop trying so hard and let what will be, be?
[Writer’s Note: You can listen to “It’s Not Up To Me” on my Reverbnation Page: www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton]
No comments:
Post a Comment