I joked with one of my friends this weekend that I’m often tired because I think so much and feel so deeply. For example. Here are the things that have been on my mind today, in addition to work and the never-ending to-do list:
Using homeless men and woman as wireless hotspots: Getting a decent data connection at SXSW (Annual music, film, and interactive conference and festival held in Austin, TX) can be a challenge, given that it attracts what may be the most data-hungry crowd in the world. With a project called Homeless Hotspots, a marketing company is helping out with this, while helping the homeless and promoting itself. Homeless people have been enlisted to roam the streets wearing T-shirts that say “I am a 4G hotspot.” Passersby can pay what they wish to get online via the 4G-to-Wi-Fi device that the person is carrying. It is a neat idea on a practical level, but also a little dystopian. When the infrastructure fails us… we turn human beings into infrastructure? — David Gallagher
Hormone modified corn and soybeans and big business running today’s economy and how consumer change takes a long time but how I’m slowly making changes in my life.
Community gardening and how I really want to be part of a community garden but have no knowledge of gardening and no place to plant one.
Bringing Herbert the Happy Plant back to life and feeling successful with that.
Getting new dirt for the office plants.
Learning how to repot things.
Being thrown off by the time change.
Commitment and divorce and when it’s okay to call it quits.
Boundaries. Forgiveness. And letting go.
Over-sexualized commercials and advertising for products that have nothing to do with sex. They make me mad.
Winning Scrabble.
Worth, value, fear of abandonment, and the purpose of life.
Those are just some of the things on my mind today.
What’s on yours?
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Thursday, March 8, 2012
A Sweet Moment
Saturday
March 3, 2012
The Sleep Cave
Lillington, NC
6:45am
Griffin (age 6), whispering: “Dee. I’m cold.”
Dee (age 34), groggy from sleep: “There are some blankets at the end of my bed.”
Griffin, whispering, after hurling his pillow onto my bed and curling up in a ball underneath a blanket at my feet: “Dee. This blanket is not very soft.”
Dee: “Griffin, baby, I don’t think there’s a blanket much softer than the cow blanket.”
Griffin, not letting me finish my sentence: “Maybe your blanket is softer. Maybe I should get under the covers with you.”
Griffin and Dee snuggle up next to one another and lay sleepily in bed, trying not to wake up Amelia (age 4) who is sleeping on the floor.
Griffin, after a few moments of silence: “Dee?”
Dee: “Yeh, baby?”
Griffin: “Nothing. I just needed a little company.”
Dee, no longer sad to have been awoken so early, heart overflowing with love after hearing, “Nothing. I just needed to know you were there,” quietly rubs Griffin’s back and silently declares: “Don’t worry, baby. I’m right here. I’m always right here.”
March 3, 2012
The Sleep Cave
Lillington, NC
6:45am
Griffin (age 6), whispering: “Dee. I’m cold.”
Dee (age 34), groggy from sleep: “There are some blankets at the end of my bed.”
Griffin, whispering, after hurling his pillow onto my bed and curling up in a ball underneath a blanket at my feet: “Dee. This blanket is not very soft.”
Dee: “Griffin, baby, I don’t think there’s a blanket much softer than the cow blanket.”
Griffin, not letting me finish my sentence: “Maybe your blanket is softer. Maybe I should get under the covers with you.”
Griffin and Dee snuggle up next to one another and lay sleepily in bed, trying not to wake up Amelia (age 4) who is sleeping on the floor.
Griffin, after a few moments of silence: “Dee?”
Dee: “Yeh, baby?”
Griffin: “Nothing. I just needed a little company.”
Dee, no longer sad to have been awoken so early, heart overflowing with love after hearing, “Nothing. I just needed to know you were there,” quietly rubs Griffin’s back and silently declares: “Don’t worry, baby. I’m right here. I’m always right here.”
Monday, March 5, 2012
Only Lonely Understands
I found some old CDs at home in NC this weekend. As I drove back to SC last night, I listened to three of the CDs, singing along and feeling grateful for the music that was keeping me company. Toward the end of the trip, a song came on that I wasn’t expecting and the next thing I knew, I was crying. The song that played was “Tonight” by Sara Evans and the tears that flowed were from deep inside me...
I’m not exactly sure what hit me so hard when the song began. Maybe it’s my being a sucker for songs with a prominent piano part and it includes a strong emphasis on the keys...or maybe it’s the fact that the chorus says, “I don’t want to go home tonight,” and I was feeling sad about having to drive away from my family and friends again (although I realize that that’s totally not what that line is about in the song)...or maybe it’s the loneliness that I could hear throughout the storyline of the song and my self-proclaimed spiritual gift of crying for others who cannot cry. Whatever it was, it smacked me in my gut and left me crying an ugly, gasping cry for at least twenty minutes after I got back.
Despite fast-paced technology and social networking/media that keeps us instantly connected, we live in what I believe to be a lonely world. My dad recently told me that some of his most lonely moments occur when he is surrounded by people. I understand. It’s very possible to feel lonely when surrounded by people...especially when loneliness extends beyond passing feeling into permanent state of being.
I think that Sara Evans describes that permanent state of loneliness so well when she sings, “There's just some things only lonely understands.” [She also uses incorrect grammar, but I can forgive that here because of the profundity of the statement.] She also sings:
“I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And I sure don't know what's right
But I don't want to go home tonight.”
Living in a permanent state of lonely leads one to do a lot of unhealthy things, and when unhealthy actions result in sinful actions—actions that hurt others and go against God’s design of love—the permanent state of lonely justifies the action out of a need to feel wanted, needed, and good enough—or maybe just to feel anything at all. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, stems from a hole in the core principle that we are loved—that we are authentically created beings with worth, value, and potential, and that despite what this world says, we are good enough—imperfect, different, and unique we may be. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, leads to isolation and secrecy that lead to more isolation and secrecy until we feel as if we are completely alone in our thoughts and often our shame—regardless of how many people truly love us.
I know what it is to live in the permanent state of loneliness while surrounded by love, but I also know what it is to have permanent made temporary through the transformational process of time, hard work, confession, acceptance, and grace.
So for everyone who has felt the “silent desperation” of loneliness, I must have hurt for you last night. I must have remembered that place and hurt for you—hurt for you and for those affected by and hurt by you—because we really are all connected. And while I was sad to drive away from my family and friends, and while I recognized the feeling of loneliness stirring inside me, I knew that I was not truly lonely in life anymore. I don't have that silent desperation. And I'm so thankful. And I’m so hopeful for everyone living in a permanent state of desperation—hopeful that it will be made temporary, that it will pass, and that each of us will daily realize that we are loved with a love so much richer and deeper and steady than anything we can comprehend.
----------
When You Can’t Escape
(from the lonely years)
Descending out of nowhere,
Exploding like a bomb,
Pressure securely locking windows and doors
Rendering daylight worthless.
Exaggerated lies become truth,
Stealing life from the breathing,
Smothering breath from the trying.
Intense heat scorches hints of soothing balm
Opening wounds that dangle between
Numbness and pain.
Heaven cries.
I love you falls on deaf ears.
Tomorrows linger.
Sleep cannot come soon enough.
Hearts shatter from calloused hands
Operating on figments of imagination.
Merciful Lord! Please break the fall.
Eternal God! Please hold me now.
I’m not exactly sure what hit me so hard when the song began. Maybe it’s my being a sucker for songs with a prominent piano part and it includes a strong emphasis on the keys...or maybe it’s the fact that the chorus says, “I don’t want to go home tonight,” and I was feeling sad about having to drive away from my family and friends again (although I realize that that’s totally not what that line is about in the song)...or maybe it’s the loneliness that I could hear throughout the storyline of the song and my self-proclaimed spiritual gift of crying for others who cannot cry. Whatever it was, it smacked me in my gut and left me crying an ugly, gasping cry for at least twenty minutes after I got back.
Despite fast-paced technology and social networking/media that keeps us instantly connected, we live in what I believe to be a lonely world. My dad recently told me that some of his most lonely moments occur when he is surrounded by people. I understand. It’s very possible to feel lonely when surrounded by people...especially when loneliness extends beyond passing feeling into permanent state of being.
I think that Sara Evans describes that permanent state of loneliness so well when she sings, “There's just some things only lonely understands.” [She also uses incorrect grammar, but I can forgive that here because of the profundity of the statement.] She also sings:
“I might be just a sinner
Who wants to be a saint
One justifies the reason
Oh, one understands the pain
And I don't know what's wrong baby
And I sure don't know what's right
But I don't want to go home tonight.”
Living in a permanent state of lonely leads one to do a lot of unhealthy things, and when unhealthy actions result in sinful actions—actions that hurt others and go against God’s design of love—the permanent state of lonely justifies the action out of a need to feel wanted, needed, and good enough—or maybe just to feel anything at all. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, stems from a hole in the core principle that we are loved—that we are authentically created beings with worth, value, and potential, and that despite what this world says, we are good enough—imperfect, different, and unique we may be. The permanent state of lonely, I believe, leads to isolation and secrecy that lead to more isolation and secrecy until we feel as if we are completely alone in our thoughts and often our shame—regardless of how many people truly love us.
I know what it is to live in the permanent state of loneliness while surrounded by love, but I also know what it is to have permanent made temporary through the transformational process of time, hard work, confession, acceptance, and grace.
So for everyone who has felt the “silent desperation” of loneliness, I must have hurt for you last night. I must have remembered that place and hurt for you—hurt for you and for those affected by and hurt by you—because we really are all connected. And while I was sad to drive away from my family and friends, and while I recognized the feeling of loneliness stirring inside me, I knew that I was not truly lonely in life anymore. I don't have that silent desperation. And I'm so thankful. And I’m so hopeful for everyone living in a permanent state of desperation—hopeful that it will be made temporary, that it will pass, and that each of us will daily realize that we are loved with a love so much richer and deeper and steady than anything we can comprehend.
----------
When You Can’t Escape
(from the lonely years)
Descending out of nowhere,
Exploding like a bomb,
Pressure securely locking windows and doors
Rendering daylight worthless.
Exaggerated lies become truth,
Stealing life from the breathing,
Smothering breath from the trying.
Intense heat scorches hints of soothing balm
Opening wounds that dangle between
Numbness and pain.
Heaven cries.
I love you falls on deaf ears.
Tomorrows linger.
Sleep cannot come soon enough.
Hearts shatter from calloused hands
Operating on figments of imagination.
Merciful Lord! Please break the fall.
Eternal God! Please hold me now.
Thursday, March 1, 2012
A Humblingly Weird Thing
I don’t sing well with myself. Seriously. Dee’s and Dee’s voices don’t sound very good together. I sing better with myself when singing harmony. But singing in unison? It’s not my strong suit. It wasn’t thirteen years ago when I recorded my first CD, and it wasn’t today as I tried to sing with myself in the car. Thankfully my best friend Angela recorded the CD with me…because Dee and Angela actually sound pretty good together.
Now…I don’t usually drive around listening to my own music; however, a good friend recently made a mix CD for me, on which she included six of my songs. Most of the time, I skip over those songs (because I feel a little narcissistic listening to my own music), but today I let the CD play. [By the way, it’s humblingly weird to know that those six songs rank as some of my friend’s all-time favorites, alongside truly famous songs by truly famous singers and bands!]
As I listened to three of the six songs today, my mind took me on a journey down memory lane—a journey on which I remembered when and where the songs were birthed and felt the depth of emotions surrounding the processes. I remembered sitting in the Centennial Building at Mundo Vista with my friend Allison; sitting in the sanctuary of Friendship Baptist Church feeling alone; and pouring out my soul in a practice room at Mars Hill College one hot summer night. As I remembered, I marveled at just how far life has brought me while somehow leading me back to the same places again.
Just as I got stuck in a sea of helplessness in that practice room that night, wondering what in the world I was doing with my life and how in the world I could make a difference with anything when so much around me was broken—including myself—I find myself swimming in that sea over and over again.
HERE ARE THE LYRICS to the song I prayed that night—through very hard tears and very loud banging on the piano. (And here are the struggles and thoughts that I had then, mixed with the struggles and thoughts that I have now—even today—presented as a very real and somewhat embarrassing picture of me.)
IT’S NOT UP TO ME (This title is very true.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LIKE ME (I really desire for people to like me and to tell me that they appreciate me. I don’t like not being liked.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LISTEN (I really like for people to listen and look like they’re listening when I’m speaking or singing and I really want to say or sing things that make a difference)
I DON’T HAVE TO MEND THEIR BROKEN HEARTS (Thanks to my dad, I am a rescuer. When people are hurting, I want to help. When something is broken, I want to make it better. In fact, it hurts me to know that someone is hurting)
I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS (And I especially don’t want to give someone mis-information)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL (Yep…I do)…
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LOVE HIM (Love God. Love people. Love self. That’s what Jesus commanded)
THAT IS MY CALL (Yep…it is.)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SERVE HIM EVEN WHEN I FALL (Love God. Love people. Love self. Do the work. And when I mess up—which I will—remember that I’m not alone in this world and that I have the strength to get up and try again)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SAY, “LORD HERE I AM” (Be open. Be willing. Be still in God’s presence. Breathe.)
USE ME FOR YOUR GLORY, LORD USE ME FOR YOUR PLAN (Help me act upon our holistic plan of redemption and to live authentically in you)
EVEN WHEN…
I DON’T HAVE TO IMPRESS THEM (I confess: I want to appear smart, wise, gifted, etc.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM CRY (When I sing or speak and people cry, then it’s usually a sign that God is moving in their lives. So when no one cries, I often feel like I’ve failed)
I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT (I’m a perfectionist. Sometimes I don’t do things if I don’t think I can do them well)
I DON’T HAVE TO SAVE THEIR SOULS (Though I often get the impression that I must need that power in the evangelical church)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL…(Yep…I do)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (Sometimes it’s okay not to say anything. Just listen)
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO (Sometimes it’s okay not to do anything. Just be present)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT (Sometimes it’s okay not to pretend. Just be myself)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL (Sometimes it’s okay not to have a name for my feelings. Just feel them and figure things out in time)
OH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (God will guide me if I remain open to God’s spirit)
BUT THAT IS OKAY (It really is okay, Deanna.)
‘CAUSE IT’S NOT UP TO ME (There’s only so much you can do in this world. Other people have to make choices and decisions, too. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink,” right? And your relationship with God is yours—in context of Christian community—just as someone else’s relationship with God is theirs. You can change no one by yourself, so you must simply—though it’s not simple—be true to your call to love and serve and be you…and trust God and trust others with the rest. Remember: God’s thoughts are bigger than yours and God’s ways are higher than your ways)
What are the seas that you always come back to? And what is it that you thank God is not up to you—not in an apathetic way—but in a way that you realize that you have got to stop trying so hard and let what will be, be?
[Writer’s Note: You can listen to “It’s Not Up To Me” on my Reverbnation Page: www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton]
Now…I don’t usually drive around listening to my own music; however, a good friend recently made a mix CD for me, on which she included six of my songs. Most of the time, I skip over those songs (because I feel a little narcissistic listening to my own music), but today I let the CD play. [By the way, it’s humblingly weird to know that those six songs rank as some of my friend’s all-time favorites, alongside truly famous songs by truly famous singers and bands!]
As I listened to three of the six songs today, my mind took me on a journey down memory lane—a journey on which I remembered when and where the songs were birthed and felt the depth of emotions surrounding the processes. I remembered sitting in the Centennial Building at Mundo Vista with my friend Allison; sitting in the sanctuary of Friendship Baptist Church feeling alone; and pouring out my soul in a practice room at Mars Hill College one hot summer night. As I remembered, I marveled at just how far life has brought me while somehow leading me back to the same places again.
Just as I got stuck in a sea of helplessness in that practice room that night, wondering what in the world I was doing with my life and how in the world I could make a difference with anything when so much around me was broken—including myself—I find myself swimming in that sea over and over again.
HERE ARE THE LYRICS to the song I prayed that night—through very hard tears and very loud banging on the piano. (And here are the struggles and thoughts that I had then, mixed with the struggles and thoughts that I have now—even today—presented as a very real and somewhat embarrassing picture of me.)
IT’S NOT UP TO ME (This title is very true.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LIKE ME (I really desire for people to like me and to tell me that they appreciate me. I don’t like not being liked.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM LISTEN (I really like for people to listen and look like they’re listening when I’m speaking or singing and I really want to say or sing things that make a difference)
I DON’T HAVE TO MEND THEIR BROKEN HEARTS (Thanks to my dad, I am a rescuer. When people are hurting, I want to help. When something is broken, I want to make it better. In fact, it hurts me to know that someone is hurting)
I DON’T HAVE TO KNOW ALL THE ANSWERS (And I especially don’t want to give someone mis-information)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL (Yep…I do)…
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS LOVE HIM (Love God. Love people. Love self. That’s what Jesus commanded)
THAT IS MY CALL (Yep…it is.)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SERVE HIM EVEN WHEN I FALL (Love God. Love people. Love self. Do the work. And when I mess up—which I will—remember that I’m not alone in this world and that I have the strength to get up and try again)
ALL I HAVE TO DO IS SAY, “LORD HERE I AM” (Be open. Be willing. Be still in God’s presence. Breathe.)
USE ME FOR YOUR GLORY, LORD USE ME FOR YOUR PLAN (Help me act upon our holistic plan of redemption and to live authentically in you)
EVEN WHEN…
I DON’T HAVE TO IMPRESS THEM (I confess: I want to appear smart, wise, gifted, etc.)
I DON’T HAVE TO MAKE THEM CRY (When I sing or speak and people cry, then it’s usually a sign that God is moving in their lives. So when no one cries, I often feel like I’ve failed)
I DON’T HAVE TO BE PERFECT (I’m a perfectionist. Sometimes I don’t do things if I don’t think I can do them well)
I DON’T HAVE TO SAVE THEIR SOULS (Though I often get the impression that I must need that power in the evangelical church)
THAT’S NOT MY CALL (Nope…it’s not)
AND I THANK GOD FOR IT ALL…(Yep…I do)
I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (Sometimes it’s okay not to say anything. Just listen)
AND I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO (Sometimes it’s okay not to do anything. Just be present)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO ACT (Sometimes it’s okay not to pretend. Just be myself)
AND I DON’T KNOW HOW TO FEEL (Sometimes it’s okay not to have a name for my feelings. Just feel them and figure things out in time)
OH I DON’T KNOW WHAT TO SAY (God will guide me if I remain open to God’s spirit)
BUT THAT IS OKAY (It really is okay, Deanna.)
‘CAUSE IT’S NOT UP TO ME (There’s only so much you can do in this world. Other people have to make choices and decisions, too. “You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink,” right? And your relationship with God is yours—in context of Christian community—just as someone else’s relationship with God is theirs. You can change no one by yourself, so you must simply—though it’s not simple—be true to your call to love and serve and be you…and trust God and trust others with the rest. Remember: God’s thoughts are bigger than yours and God’s ways are higher than your ways)
What are the seas that you always come back to? And what is it that you thank God is not up to you—not in an apathetic way—but in a way that you realize that you have got to stop trying so hard and let what will be, be?
[Writer’s Note: You can listen to “It’s Not Up To Me” on my Reverbnation Page: www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton]
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