Over the weekend, I had the opportunity to teach college students about compassion. Five years in the making, what I shared in two one hour break-out sessions was information that has literally changed my life.
One of the key teachings and practices that have changed my life over the past few years is the teaching of self compassion. Self-compassion is extending compassion to one’s self in instances of perceived inadequacy, failure, or general suffering. There are three basic components to self-compassion: self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness:
Self-kindness: Being warm towards oneself when encountering pain and personal shortcomings rather than ignoring them or hurting oneself with self-criticism.
Common humanity: Recognizing that suffering and personal failure is part of the shared human experience. In short, you are not the only person who has ever felt what you are feeling. You are not alone.
Mindfulness: Taking a balanced approach to one's negative emotions so that feelings are neither suppressed nor exaggerated. Negative thoughts and emotions are observed with openness so that they are held in mindful awareness. Mindfulness is a non-judgmental, receptive mind state in which individuals observe their thoughts and feelings as they are, without trying to suppress or deny them. Conversely, mindfulness requires that one not be over-identified with mental or emotional phenomena, so that one suffers aversive reactions. This latter type of response involves narrowly focusing and ruminating on one's negative emotions.
Practicing self-compassion is a daily practice in my life, but it’s a practice that I know is part of an ever-deepening relationship with God and has allowed me to make great strides toward having a healthy view of and love for myself as one of God’s beloved creations. The following reflection more adequately speaks of this practice’s impact on my life and ministry:
The struggle to love myself as one of God’s beloved children has been life-long, and it has been hard. My natural inability to be patient with and have compassion for myself has caused me to question both God’s and humanity’s ability to and reason for loving me and it has profoundly affected my work and ministry—often causing me to work and act not out of a sense of call but out of a sense of the need to be wanted or needed. Yet, my inability to love myself, I believe, has given me a direct point of understanding between so much of humanity. I dare say that many people struggle to love and have compassion for themselves. Like me, they may not realize the struggle for what it is because it may lurk in the shadows of hyper-functioning. But I believe it’s there in the eyes of so many people—people who are running from themselves for whatever reason—for fear of rejection, hatred of sexuality, pain of abuse, grief of loss, heartache of confession, guilt of mistakes, yearning of acceptance, for uncertainty of call.
Somehow, in the midst of my darkest period of loathing myself, I developed a theology that believes that God created each one of us wonderfully and uniquely—that before we were born, God whispered into our ears who we were supposed to be and that it is our quest to live into that design while we are on this earth. I believe that the world (including parents, friends, schools, partners, and the church) tries to make us into its image—however lovely that image might be—but that our challenge is to live into the fullness of who God alone created us to be—just as Christ alone lived into the fullness of his being.
As a result of my journey, my deepest desire in life is to support people on their journeys by helping them discover who they are and encouraging them to live into their gifts and passions. Just as my counselor once created a safe place for me to be fully myself, I want to create a safe place for others to be fully themselves. I want to be a healthy presence at all times, in joy and in hardship, but especially when someone stops running from herself and/or God. In those moments, I want to show the love and grace and compassion that I know are life-transforming. I want to hold a light in darkness, yet when light is too bright and my companion is unable to embrace its presence, I want to wait patiently until she can allow it to illuminate her life. I know that I cannot magically save someone who is hurting. But I can be a child of grace, and I can only love other people until, and regardless of if ever, they learn to have Compassion for themselves.
What is one of the most profound and life-changing teachings and practices of your faith? What are some ways you experience self-compassion? And what is your deepest desire in this life?
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