Brave Soul That I Am

Saturday was the first day in a long time that I was in Columbia with nothing to do. To be quite honest, I did my best to avoid spending the day alone. I asked friends to hang out and even considered going home, but everyone was busy and the seven hour drive in less than 24 hours seemed a bit too much. And so I faced the day alone, brave soul that I am.

I’ve been so busy doing lately that I’d forgotten how to be. I’d been going full-speed ahead, doing the work of the ministry, serving others for and with God. I’d been writing and speaking and training and teaching and I’d upheld the moral standards of my call. At the end of each day, I’d gone home and crashed, barely able to keep my eyes open. As I’d drifted to sleep each night, I’d tried to listen for God’s quiet voice as I prayed through my days and weeks…and then I’d had active, vivid dreams. I’d been going to spiritual direction and thinking about spiritual things. I’d pondered and questioned and read and studied and found myself saying, “Dear God,” with almost every breath. And yet...I had been going so much that I hadn’t stopped just to be.

I hadn’t truly been resting, breathing, feeling, grieving, sitting in silence, or acting as if I knew that I had to do nothing to deserve God’s love. As odd as this sounds coming from me who thinks all the time, I hadn’t let the depth of my thinking catch up with me because I knew it might be uncomfortable. I knew I might feel lonely and that the ghosts of negative self-talk might surround me. And so I’d been avoiding just being...

Then came Saturday.

And guess what? I had a really good day. When lonely thoughts came, I just felt them and let them pass. I reminded myself that I’m not alone and that there are people who love me even when they are not physically surrounding me. When my ghosts started to spook me (figuratively, of course), I greeted them, looked at them, asked what they had to teach me, and then told them that I wasn’t going to let them hurt me again. I went for a one hour massage and felt squishy afterwards. I rested and cooked and cleaned and watched HGTV. I finally joined the public library and then bought a DVD player so that I could watch an inspirational movie. Yes, I did things, yet I was really being. I was being because I was doing things solely for the being of myself. I was living my life without demands or expectations from the outside world. I wasn’t trying to please anyone or check anything off of my to-do list. I was engaging in activities that build a life. And I sit here today a stronger person because of it.

I think it’s often easier to do than to be. It’s often easier to keep moving and doing what everyone demands or expects because, that way, we don’t have to figure out who we really are. But you know what? Who we really are—all broken, messed up, ridiculous, contradictory, in process, imperfect, trying—is who God loves. I was reminded of that on Saturday. And I wanted to remind you of the same today.