Good Listener

I love learning.

Lately I’ve been learning a lot about the brain, relationships, human exploitation, ethics, listening…and myself.

While I’ve been fascinated by the content I’ve learned, I’ve been humbled to realize just how much room for growth my life holds. I’ve been humbled to realize just how prideful I am—how judgmental—arrogant—insecure—selfish—and impatient I am…even as God and I work hard not be.

My latest realization occurred on my way to and from work yesterday. I’ve been listening to “The Seven Habits of Highly Effective People” on and off for about a year now. When I popped the tape in yesterday—yes, a tape --Covey was talking about being a good listener.

Here is what I jotted down and/or remembered:

It is hard truly to listen—to hear what people are saying rather than filtering their words and emotions through your own story.

Seek first to understand. Then to be understood...

We tend to read our own home movies into other peoples life. Listening makes up vulnerable.

Five Types of Listening:
• Selective listening.
• Attentive listening.
• Empathic listening. See how they see and feel.
• Ignoring.
• Pretend listening

The deepest need of humanity is to be affirmed. To be heard. Being heard breathes life into a person’s soul.

You matter. I affirm you as a person.

We listen out of our own autobiography. This is well meaning but a barrier. We:
• Evaluate through agreement or disagreement.
• Probe from our own values.
• Advise from our own story.
• Interpret and diagnose though own experience.

We must work to listen empathetically. To understand what is being said rather than what we want to be said and heard. We must work to reflect feeling and meaning more than content.

Listen with your eyes. Not your ears. Become a sounding board for feeling rather than content.

Probing is good for information gathering, when the talk is situational and sane. But so often, problems are emotional and this shuts down.

Ultimately the skill of listening is less important than the attitude of empathy that should accompany the action.

As I listened to Covey’s teaching, I felt like a bad listener. But I don’t know that I am. At least not always. Sometimes I’m a good, empathetic listener. But sometimes I feel so deeply about what I’m hearing that I interject my own story and advice without it being asked for.

I suppose that, like so many other things, knowing how to listen is something that must be discerned by God’s spirit…and so I think I’ll be seeking God’s spirit more and more…with this listening thing…and humility and grace and strength…and…

Are you a good listener?