What If I Told You

*The following is an excerpt of an e-mail that I wrote about one of the songs that I sang last weekend at the Women's Get-Away. This is the song that I referred to in Monday's note when I said that I had just finished practicing one of my more difficult songs.*

As for "What If I Told You?"...

One day at work, a colleague of mine asked how I was doing and then went about her business--the normal exchange--a simple level of communication that we all use.

On that particular day, I was having a terrible day. I had alot on my mind and heart, yet I knew that if I mentioned even a bit of it, then I would be met with the opposite of safety...even though this colleague was a well-known "Christian."

And so I started the song. I wish I could remember where I wrote it, but I can't. It was either at the church I was working at or my house. Or maybe it was my classroom. Or maybe it was all three. I don't know. I just remember trembling as I wrote it....and crying...and being nervous about mentioning all of those "unmentionables" in one song. I remember wondering if people would know my struggles if I put them in the song...and being petrified that they would...and believing that they would judge me and hate me...and all of those terrible things.

And yet...I wrote the song anyway...and each time I've sung it--which has been less than a handful of times--I've felt like I was laying my soul bare for the world to see...and yet...I knew--I know--that I was really just reflecting everyone's soul in some way...and that is hard...and difficult...and sad...to realize the commonality of the human struggle but the fear that we each carry as we muddle through each day--to know that we are all broken and that we all struggle and that there needs to be less shame and more grace and forgiveness yet the shame keeps us silent and allows fear of judgment to lock us in the judgmental prison of self...

Anyway...here are the words. I will record it one day...I just need to find the time, the money, and the studio...

"What If I Told You"
by D. Deaton

You ask me how I’m feeling
But you do really want to know
I wonder what you’d think
If I let my feelings show
You look into my eyes
But never at what’s inside
I wonder what you’d think
If you knew all that I hide

What if I told you I’m a sinner
And just yesterday
I drank till I blacked out on my black couch
So I could take the hurt away
And when I woke up to my family
The kids were crying, my husband not home
What is this thing I call life, oh I hate my life
I need help, but I’ve nowhere to turn

You ask me how I’m feeling
But you don’t seem to want to know
I’ve known you for years now
But I can’t let my feelings show
You look into my eyes
But I can’t let you see inside
‘Cause you’d cringe, you’d preach, you’d shudder
If you knew all that I hide

What if I told you that I’m angry,
I’m a liar, a gossip, a cheat
I steal from my company, look at pornography
I’m a glutton, I’m full of greed
I’m a criminal, an adulterer
I’m divorced, I’ve aborted a child
I don’t walk the straight path, I feel all alone
I’m depressed, I question and doubt

I just need for you to love me with the love that you profess
I just need for you to show me a piece of God’s tenderness

You ask me how I’m feeling
And I want to let you know
My heart is screaming out here
I need to let my feelings show
You look into my eyes
But will you look at what’s inside
Will you climb the wall around me
So I no longer have to hide