If there is one thing that I wish I'd learned a long time ago, then it's the concept of emotional triangling.
An emotional triangle is created by any three members of a relationship system or any two members of a system plus an issue or symptom.
Triangles are not necessarily good or bad. Triangles just are.
So what’s important about triangles is understanding them and the way we use them to manage our anxiety and using them to help us choose healthy ways of dealing with conflict.
Last week I wrote about the cut-off as a way of dealing with conflict. The triangle is another way of dealing with conflict and/or anxiety, and being in triangles is so common that most of us don’t even realize that we are in them!
Common triangles are mom/dad/child; mom/sister/brother; coworker/coworker/boss; husband/wife/best friend; husband/wife/an addiction; coworker/coworker/God; summer camp worker/summer camp worker/camp; etc.
Again, triangles are not good or bad in and of themselves, but they DO become bad whenever they are intentionally created out of fear, insecurity, thoughts of rejection, or desires to turn one person against another.
Very often, even within the church—especially within the church—triangles become gossipy and nosy, with two people “talking about” the third—even with the “good intentions” or prayer requests—and they often bring other people into the system—creating more and more triangles. In general, this type of triangling should be avoided.
Additionally, one person of a triangle often becomes the one who tries to “fix” or “control” the relationship between the other two people (or the other person and the issue):
What needs to be understood, though, is this:
Attempts to change the relationship of the other two sides of an emotional triangle are generally ineffective. In fact, these efforts often achieve their opposite intent and leave the “fixer” with the stress of the other two people in the triangle.
We can only change a relationship to which we belong. Therefore, the way to bring change to the relationship of two others in a triangle is to try to maintain a well-defined relationship with each and avoid the responsibility for their relationship with one another.
Read those statements again.
Think about the relationships in your life—especially the ones that seem to be full of tension right now.
Are you trying to change the side of a triangle that you cannot change? Is a third person trying to change something between you and another person or issue? Do you need to adjust the way you engage in some of the relationships in your life? Do you need to triangle in a counselor, pastor, or trusted friend to help you reduce the anxiety that you feel in your relationship with another person or issue?
If I am honest, then I must admit that I am currently in a triangle with God and denominational life. I cannot change the relationship between God and denominational life—specifically between God and denominational leaders—but I CAN work on my relationship with God and my attitude toward and relationship with denominational life…and then trust God and denominational life to do their own work together.
Somehow, I find this knowledge of triangles very freeing.
You?
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This was part two of a two part series. Information taken from http://www.thebowencenter.org/pages/theory.html; Review and Expositor, Vol. 102, No. 3; and "Family Systems and the Power of Roles, Secrets, Myths, and Lies" By David Stoop, PhD. Special thanks goes to Mandy England Cole and Dr. Timothy Brock.
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