Forgive me if I judge others...

God,

Forgive me if I judge others. But forgive them, too, for judging me and perpetuating a theology of judgmental, arrogant division that I find repulsive.

I dare think that you find it repulsive, too, God, but if I'm wrong, again forgive me for being the exact thing that I despise.

Show me your way of unconditional, creative, life-welcoming, and life-giving love.

Always.

Amen.

Doubt Not My Love For You

I pray that out of his glorious riches God may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen. Ephesians 3:16-21

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Dearest Child:

Doubt not my love for you.
Rain or snow, hail or sleet,
Intense darkness or blinding light,
I am here: I am home.
Eat with me and drink from my cup.
Together, love, let us be.

I love you,
God

--dd, updated 5/27/10

Deep Cleaning

I wasn't really sure what to expect when I was asked to help clean out the back storage room yesterday. While I'm finally starting to settle in and learn the ins and outs of the job, I'm still not familiar with all of the themes and events that came before me; therefore, I don't know what's important to keep and what can be thrown away. As such, when I saw the paper cabinet, I immediately said, "I can do the paper." After all, there's not much history involved with paper sorting.

A couple of hours later, surrounded by piles of paper, I was convinced that my co-worker, Donna, had somehow set me up so that she wouldn't have to sort the paper cabinet :-).

Thoroughly and rightfully confused by my accusation, Donna assured me that she hadn't set me up--that she wouldn't have spent nearly as much time or done quite as thorough of a job as me had she taken paper duty. Surprised, I asked what she would have done. She said, "I would have just straightened it up and made it look nice. I wouldn't have sorted it by color or type of any of the stuff you've done. But it looks really nice! You have been a very thorough "J" today (on the Myers Briggs)." :-)

When I sent my boss a picture of the workroom when we had finished, I made the comment, "It looks a lot better than when we started. Some of it is deep cleaned--like the paper cabinet--but some of it is just surface cleaned." I wrote the statement in passing, but it's echoed in my mind ever since.

Yesterday, I deep cleaned the paper cabinet; I surface cleaned the Acteens/Growth storage shelves. Donna, and our assistant Mel, deep cleaned the back workroom and parts of the storage room; she surface cleaned her Women on Mission/Baptist Nursing Fellowship storage shelf. We made sure that everything LOOKED nice, but if you look on my Acteens shelf right now, you'll find some things that I don't need anymore--that could be recycled or thrown away--but that will just sit there, looking nice, until I find the time, energy, and focus to truly clean them out.

Notice those last three words: time, energy, and focus. Deep cleaning, I think, involves all three of those things. It takes time to drag things out, examine what's there, sort it appropriately, figure out what to do with it all, and then put it where it belongs. It takes energy to do the physical moving and to decide what has served its purpose and needs to be purged vs. what needs to stay around for longer. And, depending on what's being cleaned, emotions tend to show up and complicate things with memories and a deep sense of connection to the larger world. When I'm cleaning things out, I always feel horrible about the amount of trash that I'm creating and how trash is littering the world and damaging God's creation! And so it takes focus to remember the point of cleaning anyway--and not to become overwhelmed at the enormity of the task--especially when the process takes much longer than originally anticipated (like happened with me yesterday) or when it seems impossible to begin (like is happening to me now when I think about deep cleaning my office).

Surface cleaning is good and necessary. It keeps things livable and managable on a daily basis. Though our shelves are not deep cleaned, they are organized enough to keep things from falling off and to have enough space to keep things off of the floor--which makes walking possible. Yesterday, we ran out of time for a deep clean. Eventually, though, we are going to have to make the time to deep clean our shelves so that we can add to them the things that make our jobs possible now, in the present, rather than allowing them to become museums of times past. Deep cleaning makes things livable and managable for the long-term.

I don't know about you, but I have some deep cleaning to do...and not just with my "stuff" but also with my heart, soul, and mind. Don't get me wrong: I haven't been sitting stagnant. I've been surface cleaning and paying attention to the places in my life that need deep cleaning. What I've got to do is find the time, energy, and focus to begin a new round of deep cleaning. I've got to believe that the end product will be more functional and satisfying than the current reality--like the paper closet was yesterday! And I've got to trust that the process will be life-giving as it frees me from clutter that binds me to the past and allows no room for the future.

I believe that God is a God of life and creation, of order and beauty, and that God wants us to live our lives in such a way that we are free from the things that hold us back.

You?

God, I Love You

God, I love you and…

I
An unrighteous, unholy, stumbling sinner saved only by
Your unending, unfailing, unfathomable grace

Love
Care for, worship, honor, praise, serve, and believe in
With all that I am and all that I’m not

You
Father, Son, Holy Spirit--
Creator, Redeemer, Sustainer--
Alpha and Omega, Beginning and End--
The One True Savior and Lord whose mercies never fail.

God, I love you and I thank you for loving me--
For hearing my prayers and honoring my heart even when my words are
Simple and few

God, I love you—I really do love you!

Amen.

dd, updated 5/25/10

Who We Are

I think that we each just want to be
loved for who we are. Period. Not the idea
of who we could be. Or the roles in
which we function. Or the services, gifts, and talents
that we offer. But who we are. Good, bad,
ugly. I think we each need to know that
we are honored and adored not by virtue of
performance and perfection but by the triumph of waking
up each day, breathing, and giving life a try.
I think that we each need places of unconditional
acceptance: places to call home. We each need to
know that, to someone, we are not second best--
to someone, we are the cream of the crop,
the top notch, the best thing since sliced bread.
Ideally, I think, we each receive that love from
our families. Ideally, our hunger for acceptance is satisfied
by the seeds that gave us birth or the
partnership that promised to honor and cherish. Ideally, we
find comfort and peace in the place we lay
our heads. No pretense. No intimidation. No fear. Just
rest. And satisfaction. And joy. But when those things
are not there. When we are uncertain of our
value. When we question and doubt the inherent beauty
of existence. When we feel used, or reduced to
function and performance, or we fear failure and disappointment.
When we're forced into a mold that was not
ours to live, paralyzed by discomfort, lost. When our
spirits are not nurtured and allowed the freedom to
soar--to explore the world and discover the depths
of creation, the places where we fit, the points
at which we flourish--we slowly begin to die:
our bodies exhausted, our hearts wounded, our minds numb,
our spirits suffocated and…then what? I suppose we
pick up the pieces and begin to live again.
I suppose we apologize for reducing people to ideas
and roles and function, for identifying individuals by what
they do rather than who they are--what they
like, how they love, when they dream--for not
celebrating unique personality but honoring the status-quo. I suppose
we vow never to let anyone feel as if
she is not loved for who she is. Period.
I suppose we fill the gaping hole called needy
beast with the unfathomable love of God, manifest both
in God's still small, unexplainable voice and the loud
voice of tangible community, and let that love transform
the very core of our being. I suppose we
allow ourselves to feel again, to experience and release
emotion, however raw and difficult, however many tears it
brings, and give it permission to bridge the gap
between knowledge and understanding. We are
all loved for who we are. We are all
created to be who we are. But I think
we each just need to be reminded of that
fact through words and deeds and actions and gifts
and time—that we each need to know that
we are loved for who we are. Period. Over
and over and over and over and over again.

dd, 3/3/07

Nothing At All

You are the unique frequency
that my heart alone hears.
You are the steady thoughts
that chaotically travel in spheres.
You are the magnetic force
that suspends me in time.
You are the buckets of tears
that wait to be turned to wine.

You are sanity and insanity,
love and hate.
You are home and wasteland,
movement and wait.
You are life and death,
order and chaos.
You are everything…
yet you are nothing at all.

dd, 5/20/10

On A Scale of One to Ten

The pain of missing you is a nine,
The longing a ten.
The wish to hate you is immeasurable,
Yet the unwavering, stubbornness of my love eclipses it all.

dd, 5/20/10

Fast Food Confession

Remember a few weeks ago when I did a detox diet with my friend Cindy? Well...I originally did it so that she wouldn't be alone in her efforts, but I ended up learning a lot in the process and making a subtle lifestyle change. While it's been really hard to do everything I learned, I've done a pretty good job at making healthier eating choices, drinking proper amounts of water, and limiting my soft drink and junk food intake--including fast food. I had even cut out french fries except for once a week at the bowling alley (they're the best!)...until this week.

Let me review my exact food/drink intake for the week. Brace yourself. This could be painful:

Sunday: Pumpkin/Flaxseed cereal; Taco Bell (burrito, double decker taco, Mountain Dew); Arbys (roast beef sandwich, curly fries, Dr. Pepper)

Monday: Animal crackers and water; Arbys (roast beef sandwich, curly fries, diet Pepsi); Rainbow Chinese (chicken and steamed vegetables) and water

Tuesday: Biscuit, eggs, water; Granola bar; Jersey Mikes (tuna sub and diet Pepsi); Pei Wei (ginger chicken and broccoli with brown rice and water; Chunky Monkey blended coffee.

Wednesday: Chick-Fil-A (chicken biscuit and diet Dr. Pepper); Panera (1/2 chicken salad sandwich and mac and cheese); Mi Casita (chips, salsa, burrito, rice, beans, quacamole, and sour cream and water)

Thursday: Bojangles (chicken biscuit, fries, diet Pepsi); Taco Bell (burrito, taco, Baja Blast Mountain Dew); Iced Coffee; Senior Adult Luncheon Left-Overs (chicken salad, potato salad, ham and cheese crackers, deviled egg, strawberry shortcake, tea); Baja Blast Mountain Dew leftovers.

I write out my exact food and drink intake to demonstrate just how poorly I've eaten this week. And why have I eaten so poorly? Because I've been back and forth to the hospital, waiting in the hospital, taking care of Bullet, and doing what I could to add some friend time to this week of my dad's knee surgery.

And, well, fast food is convenient and fast. And sitting at the hospital didn't make me think, "drink water." So I have eaten horribly and am now fairly dehydrated. As such, my stomach aches, my head hurts, and I feel flat out heavy and sluggish. Because I feel sluggish, I feel the need to keep drinking caffeine even though I know that caffeine makes my stomach ache. It's a bad cycle, huh?

And it's a cycle that doesn't do much to help me live into the fullness of who God created me to be.

Have I dutifully and faithfully done my part in taking care of my dad (and mom)? Yes. Have I had the strength to act as a physical anchor to help my dad get up? Yes. Have I worked hard to act as a non-anxious presence? Yes. Have I said my prayers? Yes. But am I currently the best minister that I could be? No. And why? Because I just feel blah.

I think that, as ministers (and daughters and friends and Christ-followers), it is our responsibility--and call--to do our best to take care of ourselves--mentally, spiritually, emotionally, and physically--so that we can then give our best selves--our whole selves--to God and others.

Yet I must confess: I'm not doing a very job with the physical part this week.

What about you?

A Prayer By Thomas Merton

One of my friends introduced me to this prayer last week. I think it's beautiful. So I thought I'd share.

-------

MY LORD GOD, I have no idea where I am going.
I do not see the road ahead of me.
I cannot know for certain where it will end.
Nor do I really know myself, and the fact that I think that I am following your will does not mean that I am actually doing so.
But I believe that the desire to please you does in fact please you.
And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing.
I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire.
And I know that if I do this you will lead me by the right road though I may know nothing about it.
Therefore will I trust you always though I may seem to be lost and in the shadow of death.
I will not fear, for you are ever with me, and you will never leave me to face my perils alone.

- Thomas Merton, "Thoughts in Solitude"

Laughter

One of my all-time favorite song lyrics says:

"And if you make me laugh, I know I can make you like me--cause when I laugh I can be a lot of fun. But when we can't do that, I know that it is frightening--and I don't know why we can't hold on--can't hold on." (by Rich Mullins, http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=B9vogh4Il34&feature=related)

One of my favorite life truths says:

"Laughter is the best medicine."

Think of someone who makes you laugh. Thank God for his/her presence in your life.

Think of a time when you laughed so hard that you cried. Thank God for that wonderful time in your life.

Think of a moment when fear, anxiety, or nervousness was relieved through laughter. Thank God for release.

And think of someone whose life is hard and heavy and could benefit from a dose of laughter. Pray that God will help you know when and how to make that happen.

I don't know about you...but I'm thankful for laughter...and I'm thankful that we have a God who walked on earth with us...and not only cried...but laughed.

On The Shared Experience of Laughter

*The following is a real letter written to one of my coworkers when I was a summer missionary in college. It speaks to the power of laughter...and it comes with the confession that we would not have made it through the summer had we not been able to laugh together.*

Dear Friend,

I know that I say this to you a lot, but you make me laugh. And I can’t emphasize just how much that laughter means to me.

I have to agree with Madeline L’Engle when she says that "for each one of us there is a special gift, the way in which we may best serve and please the Lord whose love is so overflowing." She goes on to say that "gifts should never be thought of quantitatively. One of the holiest women I have ever known did little with her life in terms of wordly success; her gift was that of bringing laughter with her wherever she went, no matter how dark or grevious the occasion. Wherever she was, holy laughter was present to heal and redeem."

Holy laughter. I’d never before thought of it like that. But I do now. And you’ve taught me that. Because the laughter that you bring is so often Holy--it is so often a gift from God--that comes at just the right moment--and you usually don’t even mean to do it. It’s just your presence and your goofy faces and the inflections of your voice. Those are things that I don’t have but that I praise God that you do. Those are the things that are perfect for working with children--and youth--and adults--and senior citizens--and those who are disabled--everyone. But they don’t work that well if you don’t have the love of Christ with them. And you do.

You’ve really grown a lot this summer. Your thoughts have deepened, your convictions have become stronger, you’ve gained confidence in front of a crowd, your mind has opened, and you’ve learned to love a bit deeper than you’ve loved before. Just watching you has been a blessing for me. Because I see how you are trying to grow closer to God and to let God guide your life, and I see how you are letting your experiences shape you--and others--as you share Jesus with them--through your testimony--that always brings laughter. There is so much substance behind your words, yet you have a powerful way of presenting that substance--you do it through one of the gifts that God gave you--the gift of laughter--the gift that all of us understand and appreciate.

Thank you for sharing your gift with me and for brightening up my summer.

‘He deserves paradise who makes his companions laugh.’ You deserve paradise. I pray that your laughter that comes from within will never die.

In Christ,

D.

On Philippians 1:3-11

I thank my God every time I remember you. In all my prayers for all of you, I always pray with joy because of your partnership in the gospel from the first day until now, being confident of this, that he who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus.

It is right for me to feel this way about all of you, since I have you in my heart; for whether I am in chains or defending and confirming the gospel, all of you share in God's grace with me. God can testify how I long for all of you with the affection of Christ Jesus.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ, filled with the fruit of righteousness that comes through Jesus Christ—to the glory and praise of God.

Philippians 1:3-11

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When you read this passage, who do you think of?

Is it a friend, teacher, pastor, mentor, Acteens leader, or family member who has meant a great deal to you? Someone who has shown you the love of Christ and instilled in you a love for missions?

Or is it someone that YOU believe in and want to encourage in the faith?

Share your thoughts...

And then write this person--or persons--a note and pass along this passage. Thank them for their presence in your life...and assure them that you are praying that love may abound more and more in their lives and that knowledge and depth of insight would always be theirs.

Three Prayers

Prayer for the Mission of the Church:
Everliving God, whose will it is that all should come to you through your Son Jesus Christ: Inspire our witness to him, that all may know the power of his forgiveness and the hope of his resurrection; who lives and reigns with you and the Holy Spirit, one God, now and for ever. Amen. (pg. 816)

For Social Justice:
Grant, O God, that your holy and life-giving Spirit may so move every human heart [and especially the hearts of the people of this land], that barriers which divide us may crumble, suspicions disappear, and hatreds cease; that our divisions being healed, we may live in justice and peace; through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (pg. 823)

For Those Who Influence Public Opinion:
Almighty God, you proclaim your truth in every age by many voices: Direct, in our time, we pray, those who speak where many listen and write what many read; that they may do their part in making the heart of this people wise, its mind sound, and its will righteous; to the honor of Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (pg. 827)

--all excerpts taken from The Book of Common Prayer

My Prayer

May I,
as a minister, family member, and friend,
never do something to
wound someone's spirit or
cause her shame.

May I,
as a minister, family member, and friend,
be part of building up the Kingdom of God
by affirming all people,
especially those with whom I work and serve,
as individuals of worth in God's creation.

May my scope not be limited
and my actions not be skewed.

May my work be intentional
and my efforts not misplaced.

May my needs not be ignored
and my wants confused with need.

May my life be authentic
and my words not breathed in vain.

May God's wisdom and grace
show me always how to
love with Christ's love and pray with Christ's faith,
know when to speak and stay silent,
embrace the ways of sacrifice rather than consumerism, and
honor creation through the redemption of both souls and planet earth.

May I, as a minister, family member, and friend,
never do something to
wound someone's spirit or
cause her shame--
even when we may disagree.

This is my prayer;
this is my plea.

Amen.

--dd, 5/6/10

I'm Curious To Know...Prayer

I think about prayer a lot, but because Thursday is the National Day of Prayer and is currently receiving a lot of attention (to which I'll encourage everyone to find out all of the facts and not just focus on one version of the story--http://www.snopes.com/politics/obama/prayerday.asp), I've been thinking about prayer a bit more than usual this week. Since I tend to run in circles with my thoughts, I'm curious to know:

What are your thoughts on prayer?

What does it mean to you?

What is its role and function in your life?

How does prayer "work"?

How do you pray?

Do you have a prayer that you pray on a regular basis? If so, what is it?

Please share.

Jesus Identifies His Mission

Luke recorded the mission that Jesus identified as his mission: “The Spirit of the Lord is on me, because he has anointed me to preach good news to the poor. He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners and recovery of sight for the blind, to release the oppressed, to proclaim the year of the Lord’s favor” (Juke 4:18-19). Jesus proclaimed the Kingdom of God and gave witness to the redemptive acts of God. He taught his disciples to do likewise, and they saw him practice this as he went from place to place. They saw Jesus teach the people, forgive their sins, and heal their diseases and sicknesses. Later, Jesus commissioned them to be witnesses of God’s saving grace and to make disciples of all people, everywhere. “As the Father has sent me, I am sending you” (John 20:21). Jesus provided the model for believers to be involved in the mission of God. After his resurrection and before his ascension, Jesus instructed his followers to “go and make disciples of all nations” (Matthew 28:19). Jesus’ followers were to be witnesses for him “in Jerusalem, and in all Judea and Samaria, and to the ends of the earth” (Acts 1:8).

--pg. 10, How To Involve Churches in Associational Missions, WMU

Living Out Jesus' Mission

Once upon a time, I fell in love with my youth group. I fell for their quarkiness and nerdiness; their passion and angst; their laughter and tears; their willingness and hesitency. For three years, we experienced the ups and downs of our Christian journeys together...and for the six years following our formal separation, I've had the honor of continuing to be a part of their journeys.

I've witnessed graduations and drop outs; drug addictions and jail time; pregnancies and deaths; weddings and divorces; re-dedications and renunciations...you name it, they've been through it.

At first glance, it seems that I did a terrible job impacting my kids. Their lives have not turned out as stellar examples of Christianity and they've experienced things I wish they'd never chosen to go through.

Yet...who have they called when they are at their wits end? Who have they confided in and known would not condemn them or turn them away? Who have they known would love them unconditionally and walk them through to the other side? Me.

They know that I believe in them even when they don't believe in themselves.

They know that I'm a safe place...

Last night, as I was reading about missions, I read Luke 4:18-19, where Jesus identifies his mission:

"The Spirit of the Lord is on me,
because he has anointed me
to preach good news to the poor.
He has sent me to proclaim freedom for the prisoners
and recovery of sight for the blind,
to release the oppressed,
to proclaim the year of the Lord's favor."

When we know that we've messed up, that we're in a bind, that we carry a burden unacceptable to the masses, we lock ourselves in to an emotional prison that oppresses us and keeps us from seeing the light of God. The light is there, though, and each time we speak the truth of our existence--however ugly it is--it slowly begins to seep into our emotional prison and set us free.

May I, like Christ, be the light that penetrates both my kids' and everyone-who-surrounds-me's darkness...

May I help release the oppressed and proclaim the Lord's favor...

And may I always be grateful for those youth who stole my heart...and then believed in me in return.