I Messed Up

The summer after I graduated from college, I messed up: I tried to make someone into my image instead of encouraging her to be the person that God created her to be. Don't get me wrong--I didn't do this with malice in mind; in fact, I didn't know that I was doing anything wrong! I thought that I was being a good friend: listening, providing a safe place for questions, offering advice, creating room for laughter and tears. But after the summer was over, the friendship suddenly ended and I was left to wonder what had happened.

The year that followed was a very difficult year. Not only was I adjusting to life after college--which, for me, was life as a first year teacher--but I was also trying to navigate a new situation in my life: a wrecked friendship over which I had little control. I wept and prayed and struggled and wrote and tried to make peace with something that I didn't fully understand. You need to understand that "feeling" is my dominant personality function--"feeling" meaning that harmony in relationships is of utmost importance to me--therefore, broken relationships of any type get to me on a level that is hard to describe. So when I say that I struggled, I mean that I struggled.

In time, though, God healed my heart and helped me truly understand the meaning of love--even when it means letting someone go and trusting God to take care of him/her. In time, I also began to understand that the friendship that I thought had been positive had actually been overbearing and created a place of intimidation rather than one of freedom. When I pushed my friend to speak or perform or pray aloud because I knew she could do it, or when we talked theology and I was so passionate about what I'd just learned that I forgot to let her speak, I wasn't allowing her to say no to something that God wasn't calling her to do and I wasn't giving her the chance to be heard. Because I believed in her and wanted the best for her, I subconsciously tried to force her to be who I thought she should be instead of letting her come into her own as the person that she truly was.

The next summer, I did things differently. In fact, my life has been a journey to do things differently ever since that year. Sometimes the journey is met with success. Sometimes it is met with failure. Sometimes I find myself singing "Compromised the Truth." Sometimes I find myself singing "Look At You." You see, I wrote "Compromised the Truth" shortly after that first summer out of college, and I wrote, "Look At You" one year later--after I had messed up pretty badly yet experienced God's unconditional love in return.

This faith journey is a crazy thing...mixed with freedom and choices and the capacity to do things amazingly well and the ability to do things profoundly dumb. It is filled with all different types of people, in size and shape and color and ability and personality and wisdom. It is met with endless gifts and talents and hopes and dreams. It is beautiful and chaotic and messy and amazing...that God chooses us, in our brokenness, to be the vessels of his love in this world...even after we mess up.

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Compromised The Truth
by D. Deaton

I taught her how to hide, to turn from the ones she loves
I taught her to enjoy the night and I taught her to fear the light
Oh I taught her how to run and I taught her how to lie
And I taught her how to cry, oh I taught her how to hide

Oh I should have, cause I could have told her differently
Oh I should have, cause I could have shown her differently, yeh
Oh I should have, cause I could have, but I didn’t, no I didn’t
Instead I compromised the truth for me

Well there is no fear in love cause perfect love drives out fear
And perfect love comes from Christ and not the other guy who tries to satisfy
The demands of this world and the needs of the flesh
And the guilt of the soul that keeps us from praying but keeps us saying

Oh I should have, cause I could have told her differently
Oh I should have, cause I could have shown her differently, yeh
Oh I should have, cause I could have, but I didn’t, no I didn’t
Instead I compromised the truth for me

I taught her how to hide, to turn from the ones she loves
I taught her to enjoy the night and I taught her to fear the light
Oh I taught her how to run and I taught her how to lie
And I taught her how to cry, oh I taught her how to hide

And I compromised the truth
Yes I compromised the truth
I’m sorry that I compromised the truth
For me

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LOOK AT YOU
by D. Deaton

Sometimes I feel like I can do all things through Christ
Who gives me strength
But sometimes I feel like He can’t do a thing through me
Through me

Look at me, I am nothing
Just look at them, they are everything
Look at me, I am nothing
Look at me

Okay, child, I’m looking and I’ll tell you what I see
The beautiful you that I created you to be
I don’t care what they can say and I don’t care what they can do
It’s you I love, it’s you

Look at you, you are something
Don’t look at them, they aren’t everything
Just look at you, you are something
Look at you

*both of these songs can be heard by visiting http://www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton*