What do you want me to do for you?” Jesus asked him.
The blind man said, “Rabbi, I want to see.”
“Go,” said Jesus, “your faith has healed you.” Immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus along the road.
The pastor at the church I attended yesterday asked the question: “If Jesus were to ask you, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ what would you say?”
Immediately, without a moment’s hesitation, I thought, “Hug me.”
As the pastor continued with his sermon, complete with thoughts that included,
It's never too late to be what you might have been...
Pay attention. Let us do something beautiful for God...
Let us love with a love that heals and restores and makes whole…
I felt tears forming in my eyes. God often speaks to me through tears.
And when he asked again, “If Jesus were to ask you, ‘What do you want me to do for you?’ what would you say?” Without thinking, I thought, “Hug me. I want you to hug me.”
And so it is.
I recently read a book that hypothesizes that our relationship with God is influenced by our primary love languages (which, for me, is words of affirmation and physical touch)…and considering that I am drawn to worship that is heavy in deep, rich words and liturgy, that God often speaks to me through tears, and that out of everything I could ask Jesus to do for me, a hug is my overwhelming answer…I believe that this hypothesis is true.
What about you? If Jesus were to ask you what he could do for you, then what would you answer? And does your answer fall in line with your love language? Please share.
Tuesday, October 30, 2012
Thursday, October 25, 2012
Let Your God Love You
My clothes are back in my closet but the rest of the exiled stuff is still scattered on my floor.
My fifth and final load of belongings from SC is in the house but it is nowhere close to being settled.
My new computer battery has been ordered and my NC license has been secured.
My slightly wrecked car is no longer injured and is getting new tires, an alignment, and an oil change tomorrow.
I forgot how to play one of my songs in front of 300 teenagers yesterday but managed to work the mess-up into my talk.
My nephew has pneumonia but we still had a lovely time playing with his sister today.
I’m going to my favorite place in the world tomorrow and to visit my grandmother next week.
But I am tired. I am so very tired.
And a friend who recently betrayed me and cut me off is pressing heavily on my heart and mind today.
As I sat down to write today’s note, not knowing what I was going to write, I looked at the bulletin board above my desk—one thing that IS in decent shape—and saw the poem that I was meant to post. I didn’t write it. At the moment I can’t even remember where I found it. In a book somewhere. I can tell that much by the page number and font. But I want to share it with you now…because I have a feeling I’m not the only one who needs to hear it.
Be silent,
Be still.
Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
God knows
And understands.
God loves you with
An enormous love.
Wanting only to
Look upon you
With Love.
Quiet
Still.
Be.
Let your God—
Love you.
I think I’ll go do that now. Will you join me?
My fifth and final load of belongings from SC is in the house but it is nowhere close to being settled.
My new computer battery has been ordered and my NC license has been secured.
My slightly wrecked car is no longer injured and is getting new tires, an alignment, and an oil change tomorrow.
I forgot how to play one of my songs in front of 300 teenagers yesterday but managed to work the mess-up into my talk.
My nephew has pneumonia but we still had a lovely time playing with his sister today.
I’m going to my favorite place in the world tomorrow and to visit my grandmother next week.
But I am tired. I am so very tired.
And a friend who recently betrayed me and cut me off is pressing heavily on my heart and mind today.
As I sat down to write today’s note, not knowing what I was going to write, I looked at the bulletin board above my desk—one thing that IS in decent shape—and saw the poem that I was meant to post. I didn’t write it. At the moment I can’t even remember where I found it. In a book somewhere. I can tell that much by the page number and font. But I want to share it with you now…because I have a feeling I’m not the only one who needs to hear it.
Be silent,
Be still.
Alone.
Empty
Before your God.
Say nothing.
Ask nothing.
Be silent.
Be still.
Let your God
Look upon you.
That is all.
God knows
And understands.
God loves you with
An enormous love.
Wanting only to
Look upon you
With Love.
Quiet
Still.
Be.
Let your God—
Love you.
I think I’ll go do that now. Will you join me?
Monday, October 22, 2012
When The Closet Comes Crashing Down
My parents and I were watching TV last Sunday night when we heard a huge crash upstairs. Upon walking up to see what had fallen, I found my closet in complete disarray. After working for a week to get my things settled after moving back from South Carolina, I found myself staring at my work lying in shambles—everything I’d done in my closet undone thanks to a shelf falling out of the wall. I guess after sixteen years of holding stuff, the shelf got tired.
As my mom and I slowly began to go through the mess the next day, I found myself remembering a November day in 2006 when I was staring at a similar mess—only the shelf in the closet hadn’t collapsed—my friend Kay had simply been too sick to put her belongings away…and from what I saw, Kay had been sick for a long time.
Kay was a teacher’s assistant in a special needs classroom, a music minister at a local church, a cat owner, and a dear friend to many. Based off of the condition of her apartment when she died, Kay gave everything she had to the world and then came home and collapsed. Domestic chores were evidently the least of Kay’s concerns. Why deplete energy on self when it could be spent on others?
The stuff from my closet is sitting on my floor, waiting to go either back into the closet, to a different part of the house, or to a local thrift shop. The stuff from Kay’s closet was all discarded because the condition of her belongings was too bad to give away. To this day, the smell of Lysol reminds me of the hours spent sorting through Kay’s closet, wishing that she’d not been too selfless to ask for help while she was still alive.
There were periods of Kay’s life when she was unemployed. There were times in her life when the next step in ministry was unclear—times in her life when the ministry had hurt her. But in those moments, Kay kept going. She kept believing. She kept giving. And she kept trusting that good would come…because she believed that God is good.
I don’t know if Kay cleaned during those times—if, in the midst of uncertainty, Kay tried to create order and certainty through watching what was once dirty become clean. But I know that that’s what I’m doing these days. And that my muscles are sore from washing windows. And that I’m not afraid to ask for help. And that Kay’s life and death continue to influence me in ways I never imagined…like in speaking to me through the closet…especially when the closet comes crashing down.
As my mom and I slowly began to go through the mess the next day, I found myself remembering a November day in 2006 when I was staring at a similar mess—only the shelf in the closet hadn’t collapsed—my friend Kay had simply been too sick to put her belongings away…and from what I saw, Kay had been sick for a long time.
Kay was a teacher’s assistant in a special needs classroom, a music minister at a local church, a cat owner, and a dear friend to many. Based off of the condition of her apartment when she died, Kay gave everything she had to the world and then came home and collapsed. Domestic chores were evidently the least of Kay’s concerns. Why deplete energy on self when it could be spent on others?
The stuff from my closet is sitting on my floor, waiting to go either back into the closet, to a different part of the house, or to a local thrift shop. The stuff from Kay’s closet was all discarded because the condition of her belongings was too bad to give away. To this day, the smell of Lysol reminds me of the hours spent sorting through Kay’s closet, wishing that she’d not been too selfless to ask for help while she was still alive.
There were periods of Kay’s life when she was unemployed. There were times in her life when the next step in ministry was unclear—times in her life when the ministry had hurt her. But in those moments, Kay kept going. She kept believing. She kept giving. And she kept trusting that good would come…because she believed that God is good.
I don’t know if Kay cleaned during those times—if, in the midst of uncertainty, Kay tried to create order and certainty through watching what was once dirty become clean. But I know that that’s what I’m doing these days. And that my muscles are sore from washing windows. And that I’m not afraid to ask for help. And that Kay’s life and death continue to influence me in ways I never imagined…like in speaking to me through the closet…especially when the closet comes crashing down.
Thursday, October 18, 2012
What Do You Think? Observations From The State Fair
You’re on your way to the fair, listening to the Christian radio station, when a political add comes on. The candidate ends his message with the statement, “I paid for this commercial with MY money that I earned from MY business that I started over 20 years ago.”
What do you think?
1) This is how it should be—politicians paying for their own adds—and people working for their own money and keeping it for themselves.
2) Good. I’m glad he paid for his own add. But if I understand the Christian story correctly, then nothing that we have is ours, but God’s. And what we do have should be freely offered back to God in thanksgiving and sacrifice, for meeting our basic needs and for meeting the needs of others—especially the poor and widowed. This candidate sounds a bit too proud of HIS resources—especially to be on the Christian radio station.
You’re at the fair and you observe that everyone wearing one political party’s stickers is Caucasian American while persons wearing the other political party’s stickers represent a more culturally diverse portion of America, though the majority is African American.
What do you think?
1) This makes perfect sense.
2) There is something majorly wrong with this picture.
Still at the fair, you’re standing by a political party’s booth waiting for the rest of your family to catch up with you. You have your two young children with you. You’re wearing the political party’s main sticker when someone wearing the opposing political party’s stickers walks by and pretends to shoot you through your sticker—which happens to be near your heart. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t laugh. He just air shoots and keeps on going.
What do you think?
1) That man was joking with me, silly jokester.
2) That man just pretended to shoot me because I was wearing a sticker he didn’t like. He didn’t know me from anyone, yet he pretended to shoot me in front of my children because I hold a differing opinion.
3) That man really doesn’t like my sticker or what my sticker stands for. His shooting motion had nothing to do with me but with my sticker.
4) That man was reaching out to gesture agreement through the “you got it right” point when he realized our stickers were different, so he folded his thumb and took down his hand and continued to walk.
You leave the fair glad that you went but sad for what you have seen.
What do you do?
1) Forget about it and move on. There’s nothing you can do anyway.
2) Weep and pray:
Almighty God, who has given us this good land for our heritage: We humbly beseech you that we may always prove ourselves a people mindful of your favor and glad to do your will. Bless our land with honorable industry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion; from pride and arrogance; and from every evil way. Defend our liberties and fashion into one united people the multitudes brought here out of many tribes and tongues. Fill with the spirit of wisdom those to whom in thy Name we entrust the authority of government, that there may be justice and peace at home, and that, through obedience to your law, we may show forth your praise among the nations of the earth. In the time of prosperity, fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in the day of trouble, suffer not our trust in you to fail; all which we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (adapted from Book of Common Prayer, Prayer for Our Nation)
What do you think?
1) This is how it should be—politicians paying for their own adds—and people working for their own money and keeping it for themselves.
2) Good. I’m glad he paid for his own add. But if I understand the Christian story correctly, then nothing that we have is ours, but God’s. And what we do have should be freely offered back to God in thanksgiving and sacrifice, for meeting our basic needs and for meeting the needs of others—especially the poor and widowed. This candidate sounds a bit too proud of HIS resources—especially to be on the Christian radio station.
You’re at the fair and you observe that everyone wearing one political party’s stickers is Caucasian American while persons wearing the other political party’s stickers represent a more culturally diverse portion of America, though the majority is African American.
What do you think?
1) This makes perfect sense.
2) There is something majorly wrong with this picture.
Still at the fair, you’re standing by a political party’s booth waiting for the rest of your family to catch up with you. You have your two young children with you. You’re wearing the political party’s main sticker when someone wearing the opposing political party’s stickers walks by and pretends to shoot you through your sticker—which happens to be near your heart. He doesn’t speak. He doesn’t stop. He doesn’t laugh. He just air shoots and keeps on going.
What do you think?
1) That man was joking with me, silly jokester.
2) That man just pretended to shoot me because I was wearing a sticker he didn’t like. He didn’t know me from anyone, yet he pretended to shoot me in front of my children because I hold a differing opinion.
3) That man really doesn’t like my sticker or what my sticker stands for. His shooting motion had nothing to do with me but with my sticker.
4) That man was reaching out to gesture agreement through the “you got it right” point when he realized our stickers were different, so he folded his thumb and took down his hand and continued to walk.
You leave the fair glad that you went but sad for what you have seen.
What do you do?
1) Forget about it and move on. There’s nothing you can do anyway.
2) Weep and pray:
Almighty God, who has given us this good land for our heritage: We humbly beseech you that we may always prove ourselves a people mindful of your favor and glad to do your will. Bless our land with honorable industry, sound learning, and pure manners. Save us from violence, discord, and confusion; from pride and arrogance; and from every evil way. Defend our liberties and fashion into one united people the multitudes brought here out of many tribes and tongues. Fill with the spirit of wisdom those to whom in thy Name we entrust the authority of government, that there may be justice and peace at home, and that, through obedience to your law, we may show forth your praise among the nations of the earth. In the time of prosperity, fill our hearts with thankfulness, and in the day of trouble, suffer not our trust in you to fail; all which we ask through Jesus Christ our Lord. Amen. (adapted from Book of Common Prayer, Prayer for Our Nation)
Monday, October 15, 2012
In The Presence of Enemies
I went to hear one of my friends preach yesterday. As always, her sermon was well put together and both challenged and encouraged me. The only problem was that I went to church unprepared and therefore could not follow along with the words of scripture. Because of this, and because I remembered the reference to the focal passage, I decided to read the passage in the style of Lectio Divina when I got home—slowly, openly, repeatedly, with the intention of hearing what God had to say through the words of scripture alone.
The passage is a familiar one. But yesterday, I heard God say some unfamiliar things…and I want to share those with you now...not from an academic, poetic analysis standpoint, but from the standpoint of being on a faith journey and seeking God's spirit along the way.
The words of scripture will be in regular print. My thoughts will be in italics.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
• Even without a job, I really don’t lack anything. I have everything I need for today, and I believe that God will guide me to what I need for tomorrow.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
• These are action verbs here—makes me lie down, leads, refreshes, guides—and they’re all positive verbs that have a creative spirit—they all have something to do with goodness—with calm—with peace—with hope. God is a God who specializes in providing periods of restoration and silence. In this world that is saturated by media—that makes 15 televisions per restaurant, including televisions in bathrooms, the norm—God is guiding us to green pastures, quiet waters, and lit paths—because that is who God is.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
• We walk through so many deaths—not just the final death of the human body—but the death of hopes, dreams, relationships, churches, institutions, partnerships, jobs, careers, memories, counseling relationships, and more. Life is full of deaths and we all must walk through the valley of the shadow of death many times…yet…it’s just the shadow of death…and shadows cannot consume us…and valleys are always surrounded by peaks…peaks that we’re walking toward.
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
• God is with me. Even now. Even in uncertainty. God is with me. God is with us! And God is bigger than fear.
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
• The writer seems to be talking about the presence of the rod and staff here. It doesn’t sound like he’s talking about the use of them. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. But what if it’s just their presence—the knowledge that defense is there if he needs it—that comforts him? He used action verbs in verses 2-3— God made, led, refreshed, and guided—but here he doesn’t use an action verb. He simply states that the rod and staff—the possibility of defense and rescue—give him comfort. So it’s not super hero God, swooping down to rescue the writer from all harm, but it’s ever present, steady God, there to protect and guide when the writer gets himself into a really bad situation.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
• In the presence of my enemies. Not separate. Not away from. Not isolated from. Not cut off from. But in the presence of my enemies. You prepare a table—a place of fellowship, communion, hospitality—a place to gather and share life. You prepare a table in the presence of my enemies. With them. Alongside them. In the midst of them. Wow. Maybe my call to the middle isn’t so crazy after all.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
• I want my cup to overflow with your goodness and love, God.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
• After walking through deaths and eating at the table with enemies, goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. There’s the peak. There’s what’s through it. There’s the promise of what will always come—goodness and love—they are following me—surrounding me—being steady by my side—and they are the essence and hope of dwelling in the house of the Lord forever.
Thank you, God. Thank you. And not just for me. But for everyone who believes. Amen.
The passage is a familiar one. But yesterday, I heard God say some unfamiliar things…and I want to share those with you now...not from an academic, poetic analysis standpoint, but from the standpoint of being on a faith journey and seeking God's spirit along the way.
The words of scripture will be in regular print. My thoughts will be in italics.
Psalm 23
The Lord is my shepherd, I lack nothing.
• Even without a job, I really don’t lack anything. I have everything I need for today, and I believe that God will guide me to what I need for tomorrow.
2 He makes me lie down in green pastures,
he leads me beside quiet waters,
3 he refreshes my soul.
He guides me along the right paths
for his name’s sake.
• These are action verbs here—makes me lie down, leads, refreshes, guides—and they’re all positive verbs that have a creative spirit—they all have something to do with goodness—with calm—with peace—with hope. God is a God who specializes in providing periods of restoration and silence. In this world that is saturated by media—that makes 15 televisions per restaurant, including televisions in bathrooms, the norm—God is guiding us to green pastures, quiet waters, and lit paths—because that is who God is.
4 Even though I walk
through the valley of the shadow of death,
• We walk through so many deaths—not just the final death of the human body—but the death of hopes, dreams, relationships, churches, institutions, partnerships, jobs, careers, memories, counseling relationships, and more. Life is full of deaths and we all must walk through the valley of the shadow of death many times…yet…it’s just the shadow of death…and shadows cannot consume us…and valleys are always surrounded by peaks…peaks that we’re walking toward.
I will fear no evil,
for you are with me;
• God is with me. Even now. Even in uncertainty. God is with me. God is with us! And God is bigger than fear.
your rod and your staff,
they comfort me.
• The writer seems to be talking about the presence of the rod and staff here. It doesn’t sound like he’s talking about the use of them. Or maybe he is. I don’t know. But what if it’s just their presence—the knowledge that defense is there if he needs it—that comforts him? He used action verbs in verses 2-3— God made, led, refreshed, and guided—but here he doesn’t use an action verb. He simply states that the rod and staff—the possibility of defense and rescue—give him comfort. So it’s not super hero God, swooping down to rescue the writer from all harm, but it’s ever present, steady God, there to protect and guide when the writer gets himself into a really bad situation.
5 You prepare a table before me
in the presence of my enemies.
• In the presence of my enemies. Not separate. Not away from. Not isolated from. Not cut off from. But in the presence of my enemies. You prepare a table—a place of fellowship, communion, hospitality—a place to gather and share life. You prepare a table in the presence of my enemies. With them. Alongside them. In the midst of them. Wow. Maybe my call to the middle isn’t so crazy after all.
You anoint my head with oil;
my cup overflows.
• I want my cup to overflow with your goodness and love, God.
6 Surely your goodness and love will follow me
all the days of my life,
and I will dwell in the house of the Lord
forever.
• After walking through deaths and eating at the table with enemies, goodness and love will follow me all the days of my life. There’s the peak. There’s what’s through it. There’s the promise of what will always come—goodness and love—they are following me—surrounding me—being steady by my side—and they are the essence and hope of dwelling in the house of the Lord forever.
Thank you, God. Thank you. And not just for me. But for everyone who believes. Amen.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Brother- and Sisterhood of Weary Souls
“Hey, fiend.”
“Oops. I forgot the R.”
“Hey . I figured that much. I just laughed.”
“I needed that laugh, too.”
“How are you?”
“I’m exhausted.”
Such is the conversation that I have had with so many of my friends lately (minus the fiend part that I find really funny! ):
• New moms trying to adjust to motherhood while seeking to successfully juggle all of their other hats.
• Persons with established careers seeking new employment after losing their jobs.
• College students burning both ends of the wick in order to complete assignments, attend jobs, be good family members, and participate in extra-curricular activities.
• Ministers dealing with brokenness, disease, death, and depression while trying to stay in tune to God’s call for God’s people and be God’s prophetic voice.
• Families trying to get settled after major moves across the country.
• Young adults living in fear of being rejected were they to come out.
• Persons trying to keep up the façade of being okay when really they’ve been deeply hurt and betrayed and/or are carrying large amounts of grief.
• Husbands and wives struggling to hold their marriages together.
• Employees trying to live up to the constant demands of their employers.
• Bosses trying to keep their companies afloat.
• Senior adults adjusting to retirement.
• Young couples trying to hold to hope after years of infertility.
• Adult children taking care of aging parents while seeking to successfully juggle all of their other hats.
So many people are exhausted.
There are so many layers of exhaustion.
And I just don’t think that life is supposed to be this way.
Oh God of Rest and Giver of Peace, grant us rest and peace in the midst of this chaotic world. When the world says no, give us the courage to say yes to moments of self-care and silence that are crucial to our souls. You say to come to you when we are weak and heavy laden, so I come to you now, oh God, on behalf of the brother- and sisterhood of weary souls…of which I am part. Amen.
“Oops. I forgot the R.”
“Hey . I figured that much. I just laughed.”
“I needed that laugh, too.”
“How are you?”
“I’m exhausted.”
Such is the conversation that I have had with so many of my friends lately (minus the fiend part that I find really funny! ):
• New moms trying to adjust to motherhood while seeking to successfully juggle all of their other hats.
• Persons with established careers seeking new employment after losing their jobs.
• College students burning both ends of the wick in order to complete assignments, attend jobs, be good family members, and participate in extra-curricular activities.
• Ministers dealing with brokenness, disease, death, and depression while trying to stay in tune to God’s call for God’s people and be God’s prophetic voice.
• Families trying to get settled after major moves across the country.
• Young adults living in fear of being rejected were they to come out.
• Persons trying to keep up the façade of being okay when really they’ve been deeply hurt and betrayed and/or are carrying large amounts of grief.
• Husbands and wives struggling to hold their marriages together.
• Employees trying to live up to the constant demands of their employers.
• Bosses trying to keep their companies afloat.
• Senior adults adjusting to retirement.
• Young couples trying to hold to hope after years of infertility.
• Adult children taking care of aging parents while seeking to successfully juggle all of their other hats.
So many people are exhausted.
There are so many layers of exhaustion.
And I just don’t think that life is supposed to be this way.
Oh God of Rest and Giver of Peace, grant us rest and peace in the midst of this chaotic world. When the world says no, give us the courage to say yes to moments of self-care and silence that are crucial to our souls. You say to come to you when we are weak and heavy laden, so I come to you now, oh God, on behalf of the brother- and sisterhood of weary souls…of which I am part. Amen.
Monday, October 8, 2012
Power In A Name
I took a car load of stuff to Goodwill last Wednesday.
As I drove up to the drop off site, I was greeted by a weary Goodwill worker. She rolled out a large cart into which we loaded my stuff. I talked to her about what I was donating but she didn’t really make an effort to respond.
When we finished unloading the car, I said, smiling, “Have a good weekend…What’s your name anyway?”
She said her name but I didn’t understand her. “Vanessa?” I said.
She said her name again but I still didn’t understand her. “Tressa?” I said.
She said her name one more time and I finally got it. “Cresa! How do you spell that.”
“C-r-e-s-a. It’s short for Lacresa but it’s easier to just go by Cresa,” she said.
“Well, have a good weekend, Cresa,” I said.
Smiling, with a complete change of body language and attitude, she said, “You too. What’s your name?”
I told her my name and that I’d try to have a good weekend, that I’d be moving to NC and that it’d be busy. We talked a bit about where I was moving and what I’d be doing and the conversation was nice…but only after I’d asked Cresa her name.
There is power in a name.
There is power in looking someone in the eyes and asking her name.
There is power in looking someone in the eyes, speaking her name, and seeing her.
Oh God…help me to see people…and love people…and call them by name…like you have called me by name. Amen.
As I drove up to the drop off site, I was greeted by a weary Goodwill worker. She rolled out a large cart into which we loaded my stuff. I talked to her about what I was donating but she didn’t really make an effort to respond.
When we finished unloading the car, I said, smiling, “Have a good weekend…What’s your name anyway?”
She said her name but I didn’t understand her. “Vanessa?” I said.
She said her name again but I still didn’t understand her. “Tressa?” I said.
She said her name one more time and I finally got it. “Cresa! How do you spell that.”
“C-r-e-s-a. It’s short for Lacresa but it’s easier to just go by Cresa,” she said.
“Well, have a good weekend, Cresa,” I said.
Smiling, with a complete change of body language and attitude, she said, “You too. What’s your name?”
I told her my name and that I’d try to have a good weekend, that I’d be moving to NC and that it’d be busy. We talked a bit about where I was moving and what I’d be doing and the conversation was nice…but only after I’d asked Cresa her name.
There is power in a name.
There is power in looking someone in the eyes and asking her name.
There is power in looking someone in the eyes, speaking her name, and seeing her.
Oh God…help me to see people…and love people…and call them by name…like you have called me by name. Amen.
Thursday, October 4, 2012
Mmmbye Bye
I called my grandmother today.
Every once in awhile, I like to call and say, “Hey G-mama!” and hear her say, “Well hey, honey!”
Then we talk for awhile—about what I’ve been doing or what I have coming up—about how she’s feeling and what she’s eaten—about how and what everyone else in the family is doing—etc.
Whenever she’s ready to get off the phone, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after 45, G-mama begins wrapping up the conversation—you know the its-time-for-the-end-of-the-conversation-rhythm—and I prepare myself for what always brings me a smile. Our conversations always end the same way:
I say, “I love you, G-mama.”
She says, “I love you, too, honey. Mmmbye bye.”
And I smile and say, “Bye :-).”
It’s the "mmmbye bye," with a slightly higher pitched second bye, followed by a return to the original pitch before the word is finished, that gets me. It’s very sweet. Very unique. Very G-mama. And, in the midst of my packing/unpacking/moving exhaustion, I’m glad that I was able to hear it and smile today.
PS. I’ll be saying "mmmbye bye" to SC very early Saturday morning. I have some nephews to surprise at Tweetsie Railroad.
Every once in awhile, I like to call and say, “Hey G-mama!” and hear her say, “Well hey, honey!”
Then we talk for awhile—about what I’ve been doing or what I have coming up—about how she’s feeling and what she’s eaten—about how and what everyone else in the family is doing—etc.
Whenever she’s ready to get off the phone, sometimes after 5 minutes, sometimes after 45, G-mama begins wrapping up the conversation—you know the its-time-for-the-end-of-the-conversation-rhythm—and I prepare myself for what always brings me a smile. Our conversations always end the same way:
I say, “I love you, G-mama.”
She says, “I love you, too, honey. Mmmbye bye.”
And I smile and say, “Bye :-).”
It’s the "mmmbye bye," with a slightly higher pitched second bye, followed by a return to the original pitch before the word is finished, that gets me. It’s very sweet. Very unique. Very G-mama. And, in the midst of my packing/unpacking/moving exhaustion, I’m glad that I was able to hear it and smile today.
PS. I’ll be saying "mmmbye bye" to SC very early Saturday morning. I have some nephews to surprise at Tweetsie Railroad.
Monday, October 1, 2012
The Trophy File
Words are very powerful to me. Both good words and bad. Silence is very powerful to me, too. Yet I realize that silence is sometimes exactly what is needed.
Over the years, I have collected a “trophy file” of words that have wounded me in some way. I suppose that there is irony in calling it a trophy file; however, I do believe the words to be trophies—markers of the learning that has come through stupidity and mistakes, the healing that has come through time, and the redemption that has come only through the love of God.
I admit that I do think with my emotions. It’s how my brain is wired. The most important thing in the world to me is harmony in relationships—peace—connectedness—healthy closure—things between people being right--love--I love so deeply that it's ridiculous. I filter all information through this lens. Unless I stop and make myself do otherwise, I make all decisions through this lens. As such, I need people who are honest with me and who think differently than me to balance me out. I also need to be reminded that stepping back and letting time and silence take their course is sometimes the only thing that I can do. After all, relationships—no matter what kind—are always two sided.
Below are some of the words from my trophy file. You’ll notice the year I received the words and the current status of the friendship. You’ll see that while not every broken relationship has healed, many of them have—if not to the point of active friendship then to the point of peace on a spiritual level that I see in my dreams.
As I sit in Asheville with a friend today, a friend whose friendship began fifteen years ago and has weathered the course of time, I am grateful for the people in my life—past, present, and future—for the opportunity to know and to be known—even when it includes the stinging reality of hurt—and for the ability to love with God’s love—that is always willing to welcome someone home.
1999: “I don’t want to see you, talk to you, or hear from you ever again.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. Made peace a few years ago online. Friendship of mutual respect and concern for one another’s lives.
2004: “I will not endure any more from you.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though we did run into one another in 2010 and have a peaceful conversation.
2006: “I would ask you to respect, from now on, my request that you allow me to be the one to initiate contact with you, and that you do not e-mail, text, IM, call, or visit unless I do so first, without exception. Thank you in advance for not contacting me again.”
Current Status: Not in contact. At all. Five years and counting.
2007: “How can I not be angry with you, yet still have no desire to have a friendship with you? I have not figured out how to want to maintain a friendship with someone for whom I have no respect.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though ran into one another in 2011 and spoke awkwardly. Completely blocked from Facebook (as in I know she has a FB page, but to me she does not exist.)
2008: “I don't want you to contact me in any shape or form. I don't want our friendship to get any worse than it already is.”
Current Status: Very good friends. In real life and on Facebook. Made peace through time, honesty, and conversations in person and online.
2010: “You might believe in me, but I lost all respect for you a long time ago.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. The friendship is still rocky but it is one of ultimate care and support.
2012: “If you needed someone to trust, then you chose the right person. I love you.”
Current Status: No longer friends. Sudden cut off. No words. Less than 24 hours after normal conversation, completely blocked from Facebook and the ability to text or call. I received no explanation whatsoever.
2012: “You think with your emotions. To me, emotions cause irrational decisions and irrational logic because they change based on circumstance. If I don't trust your thinking, then I won't want your insight (which I've deemed unstable in my mind).
Current Status: Friends. In real life and on Facebook…even though the friendship challenges both of us.
God, thank you for granting us the messy beauty of relationship…and for sticking with us through thick and thin. I love you. You are steady and faithful, even when this world is not. Amen.
Over the years, I have collected a “trophy file” of words that have wounded me in some way. I suppose that there is irony in calling it a trophy file; however, I do believe the words to be trophies—markers of the learning that has come through stupidity and mistakes, the healing that has come through time, and the redemption that has come only through the love of God.
I admit that I do think with my emotions. It’s how my brain is wired. The most important thing in the world to me is harmony in relationships—peace—connectedness—healthy closure—things between people being right--love--I love so deeply that it's ridiculous. I filter all information through this lens. Unless I stop and make myself do otherwise, I make all decisions through this lens. As such, I need people who are honest with me and who think differently than me to balance me out. I also need to be reminded that stepping back and letting time and silence take their course is sometimes the only thing that I can do. After all, relationships—no matter what kind—are always two sided.
Below are some of the words from my trophy file. You’ll notice the year I received the words and the current status of the friendship. You’ll see that while not every broken relationship has healed, many of them have—if not to the point of active friendship then to the point of peace on a spiritual level that I see in my dreams.
As I sit in Asheville with a friend today, a friend whose friendship began fifteen years ago and has weathered the course of time, I am grateful for the people in my life—past, present, and future—for the opportunity to know and to be known—even when it includes the stinging reality of hurt—and for the ability to love with God’s love—that is always willing to welcome someone home.
1999: “I don’t want to see you, talk to you, or hear from you ever again.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. Made peace a few years ago online. Friendship of mutual respect and concern for one another’s lives.
2004: “I will not endure any more from you.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though we did run into one another in 2010 and have a peaceful conversation.
2006: “I would ask you to respect, from now on, my request that you allow me to be the one to initiate contact with you, and that you do not e-mail, text, IM, call, or visit unless I do so first, without exception. Thank you in advance for not contacting me again.”
Current Status: Not in contact. At all. Five years and counting.
2007: “How can I not be angry with you, yet still have no desire to have a friendship with you? I have not figured out how to want to maintain a friendship with someone for whom I have no respect.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though ran into one another in 2011 and spoke awkwardly. Completely blocked from Facebook (as in I know she has a FB page, but to me she does not exist.)
2008: “I don't want you to contact me in any shape or form. I don't want our friendship to get any worse than it already is.”
Current Status: Very good friends. In real life and on Facebook. Made peace through time, honesty, and conversations in person and online.
2010: “You might believe in me, but I lost all respect for you a long time ago.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. The friendship is still rocky but it is one of ultimate care and support.
2012: “If you needed someone to trust, then you chose the right person. I love you.”
Current Status: No longer friends. Sudden cut off. No words. Less than 24 hours after normal conversation, completely blocked from Facebook and the ability to text or call. I received no explanation whatsoever.
2012: “You think with your emotions. To me, emotions cause irrational decisions and irrational logic because they change based on circumstance. If I don't trust your thinking, then I won't want your insight (which I've deemed unstable in my mind).
Current Status: Friends. In real life and on Facebook…even though the friendship challenges both of us.
God, thank you for granting us the messy beauty of relationship…and for sticking with us through thick and thin. I love you. You are steady and faithful, even when this world is not. Amen.
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