Despite It All

I am a preacher’s kid, so my dad was my pastor growing up.

He has supported women in ministry for my whole life,

So it didn’t occur to me until I was much older that there were people who didn’t support me,

A woman in ministry.

 

One time many years ago,

I had a pastor exasperated that I spoke from the pulpit.

He wanted me to say nothing.

The next time we led worship together,

I did as he requested,

And he was thrilled.

He even patted me on the head,

Grinning,

And told me what a great job I had done leading worship.

I hadn’t led worship.

I had been a puppet, announcing hymn numbers, and waving my arms.

To this day,

I have a visceral reaction when I hear that pastor’s voice and think about the condescending nature of his actions.

I feel sick.

And the pain from those few experiences comes right back to the surface.

 

Clearly, in his mind,

And in the minds of many others’,

Maybe even you,

I am less than because I am a woman.

 

I know the scriptural arguments against women in ministry.

I know the scriptural arguments in support of women in ministry.

I know denominational beliefs and

I know that we don’t all have to feel the same way.

 

I also know that damning or demeaning someone’s understanding and experience of God and God’s call on their life creates religious trauma that lingers for years and years and leaves many people wondering why they stick with the church at all.

 

Why stick with a Church that puts you down, tries to silence you, and does everything it can to tell you you’re less than?

 

I know many people who haven’t.

I know many people who have given up going to church because they are never good enough,

Even with the Christ they profess but who they hear is constantly upset with them for falling short.

 

After awhile,

After being told that you are bad, and wrong, and a depraved sinner,

And in the case of women,

Less than man because you ate the fruit of the apple,

It gets kind of hard to want to keep going.

It gets kind of hard to want to follow the Jesus who opened his table to all,

When the table is closed to you because of who you are.

 

Religious trauma is no joke.

It is real.

It runs deep.

And it pushes people away from a God who deemed Godself Love,

And who inspired the scriptures to say that, “There is neither Jew or Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ.”

 

Oh God: Help the Church, Your Body, to stop the self-harm and to do better. And God? Help us to heal. Despite it all, I love you so much. So very, very much. Amen.