Despite It All

I am a preacher’s kid, so my dad was my pastor growing up.

He has supported women in ministry for my whole life,

So it didn’t occur to me until I was much older that there were people who didn’t support me,

A woman in ministry.

 

One time many years ago,

I had a pastor exasperated that I spoke from the pulpit.

He wanted me to say nothing.

The next time we led worship together,

I did as he requested,

And he was thrilled.

He even patted me on the head,

Grinning,

And told me what a great job I had done leading worship.

I hadn’t led worship.

I had been a puppet, announcing hymn numbers, and waving my arms.

To this day,

I have a visceral reaction when I hear that pastor’s voice and think about the condescending nature of his actions.

I feel sick.

And the pain from those few experiences comes right back to the surface.

 

Clearly, in his mind,

And in the minds of many others’,

Maybe even you,

I am less than because I am a woman.

 

I know the scriptural arguments against women in ministry.

I know the scriptural arguments in support of women in ministry.

I know denominational beliefs and

I know that we don’t all have to feel the same way.

 

I also know that damning or demeaning someone’s understanding and experience of God and God’s call on their life creates religious trauma that lingers for years and years and leaves many people wondering why they stick with the church at all.

 

Why stick with a Church that puts you down, tries to silence you, and does everything it can to tell you you’re less than?

 

I know many people who haven’t.

I know many people who have given up going to church because they are never good enough,

Even with the Christ they profess but who they hear is constantly upset with them for falling short.

 

After awhile,

After being told that you are bad, and wrong, and a depraved sinner,

And in the case of women,

Less than man because you ate the fruit of the apple,

It gets kind of hard to want to keep going.

It gets kind of hard to want to follow the Jesus who opened his table to all,

When the table is closed to you because of who you are.

 

Religious trauma is no joke.

It is real.

It runs deep.

And it pushes people away from a God who deemed Godself Love,

And who inspired the scriptures to say that, “There is neither Jew or Gentile, neither slave nor free, nor is there male and female, for you are all one in Christ.”

 

Oh God: Help the Church, Your Body, to stop the self-harm and to do better. And God? Help us to heal. Despite it all, I love you so much. So very, very much. Amen.

Yes. And. I Love You.

 

You look at me and say:

 

I stole a lot of things when I was younger.

I used to do drugs.

I’m addicted to pain killers.

I once drank so much that I blacked out and ended up in bed with someone I didn’t know.

I’ve had to have someone hold my hair back more times than I care to admit.

He told me he didn’t want the baby and took me to get it taken care of and now I feel very empty.

I’m the other woman.

I never wanted to be a mother.

I don’t love him anymore.

I’m divorced.

He’s abusive.  

I walk on eggshells in my own home.

I don’t feel safe.

I’m on medication for depression and anxiety.

Sometimes I don’t shower because I don’t have the energy.

I have $15000 of credit card debt.

I’m on food stamps.

I go to the food pantry.

I hate my job but it’s what my family expects.

I miss him every day.

I’m exhausted.

I binge watched movies all day so I didn’t have to think.

I’m gay.

The only thing that keeps me alive is not wanting them to find me dead.

I don’t believe in God.

God makes me angry.

I don’t even know if I believe in God anymore, yet I’m their pastor.

 

I look at you and say:

 

Yes.

And.

I love you.

 

Amen.

 

**Adapted from 1.23.14’s note, “Say The Same Thing.”**

**Listen on Spotify: https://anchor.fm/deatonnotes/episodes/Yes--And--I-Love-You-e2eoc42

Serious Dee

 

One of my friends calls me Serious Dee.

I understand why.

I AM serious,

Especially when it comes to thinking about God.

After a week of serious ponderings about

The Nature and Character of God,

The Purpose of Prayer,

Atonement Theories,

Different Branches of Theology,

Calling,

And more,

I’ve come to the conclusion that

 

God Is…

 

Many of us spend our lives trying to make sense of God.

To know God.

To understand God.

To be part of God’s work in this world.

To ensure that our lives after death will be with God.

 

And many of us spend a lot of time studying the Bible for answers.

The Bible records God’s story with God’s people

As understood through a Hebrew lens.

It is a beautifully tragic story as

God remains faithful to a wandering people

Who end up killing Jesus for being the

Very face of God’s love.

Yet God still remains faithful.

And Jesus overcomes the grave.

And we are left with the Holy Spirit

To guide us as we seek to make sense of it all.

 

But we can’t.

We can’t make sense of it all.

It’s too big and mind-boggling.

There are too many contradictions.

It is very uncomfortable.

And yet that won’t stop some of us from trying.

And I’m coming to believe that that is perfectly okay.

 

God: When the questions are big and the thoughts are deep, help us to catch glimpses of all that You Are. You are always living, always moving, always breathing new life into our existence. You are always calling us to act justly, love mercy, and walk humbly with you. God, You Are. So help us To Be With You, With All That We Are—questions, heartaches, epiphanies, and all. Grant that we may understand but a fraction of who You Are. And let that fraction be enough for today. And then again tomorrow. And then again through all our days. Amen.

Atonement Theories

 

I have a vague memory of learning about the different atonement theories while taking a course in theology. Atonement theories are theological explanations that seek to understand the significance and effects of the atonement, which refers to the reconciliation or mending of the relationship between humanity and God through the sacrificial death of Jesus Christ. I remember it being eye-opening and mind-boggling, but I didn’t store it away as something to remember because it didn’t affect my relationship with God or others. I still believed in Trinity God (Father, Son, Holy Spirit), and I still believed in the miraculous and saving power of Jesus’s life and death…so my philosophy of the atonement theory wasn’t something that I stressed over.

 

For the past three days, however, it’s been on the forefront of my mind. I’ve been thinking about it, talking about it, dreaming about it, and struggling with it. So for those of you who want to join me in my quest to know and sit with various atonement theories as held by different traditions and denominations of Christianity, then read on.

 

Remember: All of these are real theories that have been upheld and believed in Christianity throughout history. There will be some that resonate with you and some that you think are flat out wrong, but try to understand why someone may believe what you cannot…and remember that, in the end, these are all theories that try to help us understand what is beyond our comprehension: God.  

 

1. Ransom Theory:

• This theory suggests that Jesus' death was a ransom paid to Satan to release humanity from bondage. The idea is rooted in passages that speak of Christ giving his life as a ransom for many.

2. Satisfaction or Substitutionary Atonement:

• This theory, developed by Anselm of Canterbury, emphasizes the idea that Jesus' death was a satisfaction of the divine justice offended by human sin. It involves the concept of Jesus serving as a substitute, taking on the punishment that humans deserved.

3. Moral Influence Theory:

• Proposed by theologian Peter Abelard, this theory emphasizes that the purpose of Christ's death was to morally influence humanity. Jesus' sacrifice is seen as a demonstration of God's love, inspiring people to repent and turn toward God.

4. Christus Victor (Victorious Christ) Theory:

• This theory views the atonement as Christ's victory over the powers of sin, death, and Satan. It emphasizes the triumph of Jesus' resurrection and the defeat of evil forces.

5. Governmental Theory:

• Developed by Hugo Grotius, this theory posits that Jesus' death serves a governmental purpose. It maintains that God, as the divine ruler, uses Christ's sacrifice to demonstrate the seriousness of sin and uphold moral order.

6. Penal Substitutionary Atonement:

• Similar to Satisfaction Atonement, this theory asserts that Jesus' death was a substitution for the penalty of sin. Jesus took on the punishment on behalf of humanity, satisfying the demands of divine justice.

7. Recapitulation Theory:

• This theory, associated with theologian Irenaeus, sees Jesus as recapitulating or redoing human history in a way that brings salvation. Christ becomes the new Adam, representing humanity in a perfect way.

8. Scapegoat Theory:

• This theory draws parallels with the Old Testament practice of the scapegoat. Jesus is seen as the sacrificial scapegoat who takes on the sins of humanity, removing them and reconciling people with God.

 

Which theory or theories resonate with you? What have you been taught? Which theory presents you with a new thought? Which theory does NOT sit well with you? I’d love to have a conversation…as long as it’s civil! 😊

 

A Tale of Two Cat Rescues

 

My Facebook feed is full of animal rescue videos.

I’m a sucker for a good rescue story,

Although I admit that some of them make me sad.

I don’t understand what part of someone thinks that throwing animals in dumpsters is at all okay.

But that’s not my point.

My point is that I watch a lot of animal rescue videos 😊.

 

Recently, I saw two different cat rescues,

Both from trees.

 

In one of the videos,

The cat gets so scared of the rescuer

That he decides he would rather just jump out of the tree!

I think it was a 20-foot drop,

Limbs flailing in the air,

But the cat was okay!

 

In the other video,

The cat was 50-feet high,

Literally shaking from exhaustion,

And completely relieved when his rescuer showed up.

He immediately climbed into the rescuer’s arms,

Began purring,

And happily let the rescuer put him into a mesh sack so that he could safely make the descent.

 

Two cats stuck in similar situations;

Two very different reactions to someone coming to help.

 

It makes me wonder:

Am I the first cat who was afraid to, or simply didn’t, accept help when it was offered?

Or am I the second cat who embraced help when it came?

Both cats were okay in the end,

But it seems to me that the second cat had a slightly safer journey than the first,

Who went on a great adventure!

 

I’m pretty sure that Annie the Cat would jump if someone came to rescue her from a tree.

She’s not a stranger-truster.

It would be ugly.

I would cry and scream and deem her dead.

Because I am her opposite.

Vulnerable. Trusting. Always putting safety first.

 

What about you?

Do you accept help? Or do you remain independent?

Do fall into safe arms? Or do you try to do things yourself?

 

Oh God: Help us to know who we are and then to be willing to try something different if needed. Help us to know when to accept help and when to go at it alone. Help us to know when to leap and when to fall into open arms. And help us, God, not to let fear lead to make bad decisions. Amen.

Beloved

 

My dad bangs on the wall each morning to make sure I’m awake.

Sometimes I am. Sometimes I’m not.

Sometimes I immediately get up. Sometimes I forget.

Sometimes I make it downstairs while breakfast is still cooking. Sometimes I make it downstairs after it’s done.

Sometimes dad is sitting at the table doing his morning devotionals. Sometimes he’s moving about.

Sometimes we have a morning conversation. Most of the time we do not. Because I’m really very bad at mornings!

 

Last Wednesday, as I was sleepily trying to get myself together,

Dad said, “I want to read you something from my Nouwen book. It’s quite profound.”

And so he read:

 

“One of the greatest dangers in the spiritual life is self-rejection. When we say, ‘If people really knew me, they wouldn’t love me,’ we choose the road toward darkness. Often we are made to believe that self-deprecation is a virtue, called humility. But humility is in reality the opposite of self-deprecation. It is the grateful recognition that we are precious in God’s eyes and that all we are is pure gift. To grow beyond self-rejection, we must have the courage to listen to the voice calling us God’s beloved sons and daughters, and the determination always to live our lives according to this truth.” (Henri Nouwen, Bread for the Journey)

 

Then my dad added, “We are God’s beloved children.

I think I fail to accept that sometimes.

And I think that not accepting it has caused me to make a lot mistakes and feel a lot of heartache and depression over the course of my life.”

My dad is 81.

 

I didn’t say anything in the moment because I was running late.

I was also moved with emotion.

Because I completely understood.

 

Later, though, I sent my dad a text:

 

“The sermon last Sunday was on being God’s beloved children. It’s very, very different theology than Southern Baptist theology, and it’s taken me years and years of therapy and hard work to reprogram my brain to accept that I am God’s beloved child over I am a sinner. We may be sinners, but if we believe that we ARE sin at our core, then we believe that we are bad. But if we believe that we are God’s beloved, then we believe that we are loved, regardless of sin. I’m glad that Nouwen made you think.”

 

Friends: However old you are, 18, 46, 64, 81, and anywhere in between, know this:

In the beginning, God created humankind and called humankind good.

You are good. Even though you sometimes do bad things.

You are beloved. Even though your nature holds capacity for sin.

Christ’s forgiveness is but a heart’s cry away.

The Spirit’s grace is never-ending.

God’s love extends to all.

And that all includes all of who you are.

 

Oh God: Grant us the courage to listen to the voice calling us your beloved sons and daughters, and help us find the determination to live our lives according to this truth. Amen.

Pets

 

 

One of my friends had to have her dog put down last week.

The dog lived a good life.

She was well-loved and taken care of.

She brought joy to my friend and all who knew her.

But it was time for her to go.

She could barely stand up.

She was sleeping all the time.

Her bowels had left her.

Putting her down was the right thing to do.

Yet it was so hard.

And my friend cried.

And I cried, too.

And then I went through all my pictures and celebrated the dog’s life.

And I memorialized her in a tin art,

Because that’s all I knew to do.

 

I read an article about an Hispanic author who wrote a book for Day of the Dead.

I briefly talk about Day of the Dead in October when discussing Hispanic Heritage Month,

So I decided to buy the book.

Come to find out, the book is written to remember a pet.

And my goodness it is sad!!

Both Shauna the Art Teacher and I cried as we looked through the beautiful pages,

And we didn’t even read the text!

Later, when showing the book to another friend,

I cried again.

It’s just so sad.

 

Pets provide us with snuggles.

They provide us with talk therapy.

They provide us with companionship.

And they reduce our stress by making us slow down to pet them.

 

Pets become part of our lives.

They reserve and move into a special place in our hearts

That will never be forgotten,

Even after they leave.

 

Bullet the Dog is 19 now.

He will likely leave soon.

His devotion to my dad and the happiness that he’s brought for so many years

Is something that can’t be replaced.

 

Annie the Cat is three-ish now.

Hopefully she’ll live a long life

And learn how to control her razor claws

As she continues to become domesticated

And demand turkey and pets.

 

Tell me about your pet.

Tell me something that brings you joy.

Tell me something you remember about a pet who has gone before you.

I think sometimes it’s hard to remember because it hurts.

But life is kept alive through memory…

And our pets deserve that,

For they are a gift from above.

 

Amen.