Another thing you may be interested in knowing about me is that I am a people pleaser. I like to do the "right" thing and have the approval of those around me--especially on actions and issues that I feel strongly about. While this people pleasing tendency has resulted in many good things--high quality work, open doors of opportunity, the chance to meet many wonderful people--it has also resulted in many bad things--fear, shame, unwarranted stress, high blood pressure, and the constant worry that I will do something "wrong."
I'm sure there are other times when this has happened, but I can think of two specific times that I went against others' approval and logic and did what I felt was best...and it was...I have absolutely no doubt.
The first time was when I went to a friend's dad's funeral during a major winter storm. The weather was horrible. The roads were in terrible shape. Making the two and a half hour drive defied everything that made sense, yet I knew I needed to be there. So a dear friend and I went. When we arrived, we were the only people there to support our friend. A few residents of the nursing home where her father had lived were there, but no one else made the trip. We sat with her on the family pew so that she wouldn't be alone, and we rode with her in the family car to the graveside service. We stood beside her in the freezing rain and watched as they lowered her father's casket into the ground, and then we followed her home so that she wouldn't have to make the journey alone.
Of all of the things that I've done in my life, making the trip to that funeral that day is one of the things that I know that I've done "right"--despite initial signs of outward disapproval.
The second time was when I decided to go to counseling. Despite outside sentiment that going to counseling showed a major weakness in my faith and relationship with God; despite the fact that my going would be looked down upon by many church-goers; and despite the fact that I was surrounded by loving friends and family, I went. Over the last three and a half years, I attended 115 counseling sessions with an Episcopal priest who showed me the unconditional love and grace of God. Week in and week out, she listened to my jumbled up thoughts and feelings on life, death, vocation, call, love, hate, grief, and God and helped me see myself and the God that I adored in life-altering ways. A steady safe place, my counselor allowed God to work through her and our therapeutic relationship to change me.
Of all of the things that I've done in my life, taking that step toward asking for help is one of the things that I know that I've done "right"--despite initial signs of outward disapproval.
My friend whose father's funeral I attended died a sudden death due to an enlarged heart; I was privileged to be part of her funeral in 2006. And my counselor with whom I had taken steps toward becoming whole told me last Friday that she was leaving her counseling office to return to full-time parish ministry.
Kay is in heaven with her father now. Jenny is returning to her home in the church to follow the call that God has placed in her life. And I am here in my office, feeling both happy and sad, writing this note, hoping that it will please those who read it, and knowing that I have done at least two things "right" in my life.
I am humbled and grateful today.
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