Emergency Pants

 

Sometime ago,

My aunt gave me a pair of pants that she affectionately called lounge pants.

I liked the pants, though,

A pretty color, 

Long and flowing, 

Made of a material that wouldn’t wrinkle,

Stretchy waistband, 

And so I changed their status to regular pants.

 

I wore the pants to work last Tuesday. 

I had a couple of people comment on how pretty my outfit was and 

I was so comfortable in the pants that I didn’t immediately change them when I got home.

 

I wrote my blackout poetry,

I laid down to rest for about 15 minutes, 

And I went to the Chinese place for takeout. 

 

Then, when I got home, mom said,

“Dee, you have a hole in your pants!”

I had noticed a little pick in the front where my bracelet had caught the fabric

But I was wondering how Mom could see such a tiny hole. 

I said, “I do? Where?”

She said, “In the back!

It’s huge!”

 

And sure enough,

I reached to my left butt cheek,

And there was an enormous hole

So big that only my underwear was showing!

 

Not only that,

But I could feel the breeze on my backside!

 

I’m not sure what happened in between the Chinese place and me getting home

But I was extremely thankful that that hole hadn’t grown when I was in public!

 

And then it made me think,

What if this had happened at work? 

I would’ve had to leave school and go buy  new pants!

 

And then it made me think:

I have an emergency cash squirrel stash. 

Maybe I need an emergency clothing squirrel stash—

Pants and a shirt to wear in case of mystery holes. 

 

The sad thing?

My lounge pants turned regular pants would have been the perfect candidate for the job. 

 

But alas. 

They are beyond repair and 

Officially relinquished to the rag pile. 

 

The end.