And Yet God Was With Me

 

I had the privilege of helping lead a retreat this past weekend. 

Around 40 Lutheran women from NC gathered in Isle of Palms, SC, to talk about 

Making a Joyful Noise through Music, Worship, and Dance. 

My friends Jes, Carolyn, and Heidi (Not the Librarian) met on Wednesday nights for a couple of months, 

Logging around 75 collective hours of

Brainstorming, texting, reading, writing, making handouts, making lists, ordering supplies, practicing, and packing 

In order to be ready for the weekend. 

 

And we were ready. 

 

I was even ready to lead contemporary worship,

Which I hadn’t done in years!

 

And then I lost my voice.

 

Again.

 

This time, I went to the doctor.

I had another upper respiratory virus that had once again settled on my vocal cords. 

 

I prayed and prayed that God would heal me. 

I prayed and prayed that I would get better. 

I prayed and prayed that adrenaline would kick in and that I’d be able to sing. 

I prayed and prayed and prayed for a miracle. 

After all, I was trying to do God’s work.

 

I took Thursday off work to rest my body and voice,

I’m on high powered cough syrup, Tylenol, ibuprofen, and a steroid, 

But I’m still not completely well. 

 

And the retreat is over.

 

I don’t know why God acts when God acts 

Or why God doesn’t act when God doesn’t.

 

I don’t know why I had to experience a retreat, 

One of my favorite things in the world, 

On music and worship, 

Two of my favorite topics in the world, 

Not feeling my best and not having full voice. 

But I did. 

 

And now it’s up to me to respond.

To celebrate teamwork and compassion and sharing the load and silence and humility and movement—

All things of God that came to light and remain even in the midst of

The sadness and frustration that, 

If I’m honest,

I feel

Over not being at my best to lead.

 

God did not heal me of my upper respiratory infection in record time. 

God did not fix my voice so that I could sing.

But God was with me. 

And God, through time and medicine and rest, 

Is making me well. 

 

And God is doing the same in you too, friend.

Wherever you are, 

Whatever you’re going through,

God is with you.

And God loves you.

So very very much. 

 

Amen. 

Confession of the Purple Shirt

 

“Good morning,” she said. 

 

“Morning,” I said. 

 

“I like your shirt. It’s purple.” 

 

I should have said, “Thank you! I wore it for Lent,” and left it at that. 

 

Instead, I launched into this story. 

 

“Last Wednesday, 

I was looking through my closet for something to wear 

When I decided on this shirt. 

As I was taking it off the hanger, 

I noticed that it was a little dirty. 

So I took it off the hanger and laid it on the stool so I could wash it. 

Well, this morning, 

I went into my closet to get something to wear 

And I saw this shirt sitting on the stool. 

I got excited because it was purple 

So I put it on. 

I thought it had just fallen off its hanger. 

I didn’t realize it was dirty until I got to Lidl. 

When I saw it this morning, 

I totally forgot I had set it aside for washing. 

So. I have on a dirty shirt.”

 

To which she simply responded, “Well. I wouldn’t have noticed if you hadn’t said anything.”

 

🤦🏻‍♀️

 

At JazzTales on Monday morning,

We couldn’t get the visuals to work. 

We tried and tried but nothing was working 

Yet no one buy the presenters knew how it was supposed to be. 

If we would have just gone on with the show without highlighting the missing visuals 

Then no one would have ever known the difference. 

Because we confessed, though, 

The missing visuals became more missed, 

Just like my dirty shirt became more obvious. 

 

Confession is important. 

Examining ourselves for the ways our thoughts and actions have gone sideways 

Is crucial for personal and spiritual growth. 

Knowing that we have been forgiven is freeing and 

Releases us from the damning grips of shame. 

 

And yet. 

Why do we feel the need to save face with confessions like the purple shirt? 

 

God. 

Help us to know when to speak and when to remain silent. 

Help us to confess when we need to confess and not just to talk to explain or justify our thoughts and actions. 

You are the Word. 

Help us to be little examples of your word. 

 

Amen. 

Write!

 

I went to the State Young Authors Celebration on Saturday afternoon. 

Students, teachers, and families from all across NC 

Gathered together

To celebrate the importance of writing.

 

On Saturday night, 

I went to see a friend in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory. 

Students, teachers, and families 

Gathered together 

To celebrate the importance of…

Chocolate, yes. 

But also of 

Imagination and 

Writing! 

 

Needless to say,

I was quite surprised when I realized the connection 

Between two seemingly opposite events. 

 

Allan Wolf, the keynote speaker at the Young Authors Event, said that 

When you have an idea, 

Write it down. 

When you have a thought,

Write it down. 

When you are anxious, 

Write it down. 

When you are joyful, 

Write it down! 

He even went so far as to write things on his walls! 

 

Charlie Bucket, the main character in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, demonstrated that

When you have an idea, write it down.

His mother gave him a new notebook,

And he immediately started filling it with his ideas for chocolates and confectionaries.

Willy Wonka also had a notebook in which he wrote down his ideas for chocolates and confectionaries

And made his strange imagination tangible.

 

In between events, 

I was talking to a friend. 

She had a lot on her mind,

Including a lot of medical questions,

And so I said,

“Why don’t you do this?

Write down every single one of your questions and then the next time you’re talking to the doctor,

You can read the list instead of relying on your stressed brain to remember them.

Use the notes feature on your phone or

Bust out the sticky notes or index cards or legal pad or whatever you feel most comfortable with.”

 

Write it down.

Get it out. 

Whatever you’re thinking. 

Whatever you’re feeling. 

It doesn’t have to make sense.

It doesn’t have to rhyme.

You don’t have to share it with anyone

Or you can share it with as many people as you please.

 

The sheer act of writing is

creative

expressive

cathartic 

transformative. 

 

Take it from Allan Wolf,

Whose anxiety was grounded by writing. 

Take it from Charlie Bucket and Willy Wonka, 

Whose imaginations came to life through writing. 

Take it from me, 

Whose phone note feature has well over 1000 notes, from lists to quotes to musings like this. 

Take it from therapists, doctors, pastors, and life coaches 

Whose work encourages progress through writing. 

 

Writing is important. 

 

So write. 

 

Right now. 

 

Write. 

 

And if you need something to write, then consider these words from  Allan Wolf: 

 

I am here. 

I exist 

This is who I am. 

Watch me shine. 

 

Amen. 

Deflated

 

I don’t think that I could be a professional performer. 

I used to want to be in a Broadway show

(Les Mis to be precise—

Eponine to be exact), 

But somewhere along the way, 

I realized that I might get bored doing the same thing over and over again. 

And not only that, 

I think it would be somewhat of a thankless job. 

Yes, there would be applause,

But there wouldn’t be very many accolades after the show because 

You would be doing the same thing night after night and having to stay away from the crowd 

Rather than interacting with it.

 

Last Friday night,

My second and third grade students performed a program on the continents.

In a lot of ways,

We have been working on the program all year

Because we began talking about the continents and world music in the fall.

I decided to extend that concept into their stage performance

And selected one song from each continent except for Antarctica.

As the narration said,

The reason we didn’t sing a song from Antarctica is because only scientists, penguins, and seals live there :-). 

 

The kids worked really hard on the music and I think they learned some things in the process.

115 of them showed up for the performance

And did a fantastic job.

 

Administration was there and commended me. 

A handful of teachers were there and commended me. 

My team was there and commended me. 

But no parent said anything to me

And, honestly, it left me feeling deflated 

On top of being exhausted. 

 

But then I started thinking. 

How many times have I been to a performance and not spoken to the director? 

The answer is more times than I can count. 

I praise the person I go to see. 

Or talk about the performance with the people I’m with. 

But the director rarely gets any accolades 

Beyond the curtain call 

Or name recognition in the program. 

It’s just not what people do. 

Yet for people like me who need words of affirmation, 

It leaves a gaping hole and 

Makes us wonder if we are truly seen…

 

God, 

Forgive my insecurities and 

Help me to rest in knowing 

That I am doing my job. 

And when there is a way,

Help me to speak simple words of affirmation 

To those who need them most. 

Amen. 

 

On Sam's Birthday

 

Today is St. Patrick’s Day.

Today is also Baby Sam‘s birthday.

Baby Sam was born 11 years ago. 

He, like all babies, had black poop when he pooped for the first time. 

I didn’t know this was the norm, 

So I was shocked.  

Sam’s mom, A, through her post birth pains, 

Laughed at me. 

 

Baby Sam lived a good life. 

He was well-loved by his Mama, Papa, and big sister,

As well as his extended family and friends. 

Baby Sam died when he was just six months old.

His life and death made a huge impact on all who knew him, 

Not the least of which was me. 

 

There are a lot of things we will never understand in life,

Sudden Infant death syndrome being one of them.

There are a lot of things that are sad and unfair and infuriating and crazy making and 

They leave us hurt and angry and lost and confused. 

 

Our tendency in life is to want to control  things. 

But some things can’t be controlled. 

Yet when we’re hurt and angry and lost and confused, 

We want to control things even more. 

We want to fix things. 

We want to make everything better.

We want to make sweeping changes that will put everything into balance. 

And then we get overwhelmed because it seems like there is nothing we can do because the problem is too great. 

 

In the movie Frozen Two, 

At her moment of deepest despair,

When all seems lost,

Anna sings this song: 

 

I've seen dark before

But not like this

This is cold

This is empty

This is numb

The life I knew is over

The lights are out

Hello, darkness

I'm ready to succumb

 

I follow you around

I always have

But you've gone to a place I cannot find

This grief has a gravity

It pulls me down

But a tiny voice whispers in my mind

"You are lost, hope is gone

But you must go on

And do the next right thing"

 

Can there be a day beyond this night?

I don't know anymore what is true

I can't find my direction, I'm all alone

The only star that guided me was you

How to rise from the floor

When it's not you I'm rising for?

Just do the next right thing

Take a step, step again

It is all that I can to do

The next right thing

 

I won't look too far ahead

It's too much for me to take

But break it down to this next breath

This next step

This next choice is one that I can make

 

So I'll walk through this night

Stumbling blindly toward the light

And do the next right thing

And with the dawn, what comes then

When it's clear that everything will never be the same again?

Then I'll make the choice

To hear that voice

And do the next right thing

 

Friends:

No matter where you find yourself today, 

Or in this season of life, 

I pray that you will stop trying to control 

Everything 

And just do the next right thing. 

 

Amen.