And I Laughed

I ran into the wall with my cart last week. Seriously. I was the only person in the hallway. I wasn’t trying to avoid anything. I had a straight-shot to my Kindergarten classroom. And yet, my front-wheel-steering cart steered itself right into the wall. I looked around to see if anyone had seen this amazingly stupid accomplishment. Then I shook my head and laughed 😊… Fifteen years ago this summer, I went to a Centering Prayer workshop. I didn’t know it at the time, but that workshop would become my beginning in mindfulness practice—a practice that seeks to keep the mind, heart, soul, body, and spirit focused on the realities of right now rather than the made-up-stories of “what-if.” That summer, and in the months and years to follow, I spent a lot of time judging myself for not getting the practice of centering prayer right. As I tried to center my mind and focus on God’s present reality, I caught my mind wandering to the past or future—thoughts that were far from Godly entering my consciousness—noise filling what was supposed to be silence—and I got frustrated. I deemed myself a failure and stopped the practice session in frustration. Yet still I tried…and tried…and tried…until I finally learned that it’s not about getting it right or wrong—it’s not about judging—it’s about noticing—and being present. In time, my practice has shifted from solely specific times of centering prayer to daily ways of living. I pray throughout the day every day. I say, “Dear God…” so many times a day that I sometimes wonder if God would like to forget God’s name! But now I say, “Dear God…” and share whatever is on my mind and heart. When I start to wander away into made-up-stories of “what-if,” I ask God to help me focus on this moment—what I can feel, see, hear, taste, touch, experience, control, and handle in this moment—and then I try to show up in the moment—even when it’s hard. I try to breathe when I need to reset. I try to welcome the anxious feelings with grace when I am worried. I try to feel the tension in my body and literally shake it off when I’m stressed. I try to remain present right now and remember, “Not me. Not mine,” when I find myself stuck and overburdened by the weights of this world. There is only so much that I can do to fix a broken humanity. I pray for God to show me what I CAN do rather than allowing evil to show me everything I can’t… Almost every teacher I know would quit right now if he/she could. Tension and stress are at an all-time high while respect, morale, and feelings of effectiveness are at an all-time low. For me, cart-life is tough. I feel all of the tension and stress as I roll throughout the building. I absorb the energy of the system that I cannot control. It’s hard. It hurts. It’s draining. And there doesn’t seem to be an end in sight. Yet I ran into the wall with my cart the other day. And I laughed. In that moment, rushing from one classroom to another, wondering if my technology was going to work and if my lesson was going to engage my students, I laughed. I didn’t judge myself for wrongfully running into the wall. Instead, I showed up and was present for a funny moment. And that one moment propelled me to the next…and the next…and the next… Let’s be mindful people, friends. Not because it is trendy. Or because it is easy. Or because we think it will relieve all of our stress. But because it reminds us to show up to life and notice it—in all of its joys and sorrows—and it allows us to celebrate the small victories of running into walls with carts in the midst of palpable stress…and laughing. Amen? And amen.