Deconstructing Faith

 

For over fifteen years

I wholeheartedly and unapologetically

Devoted my life to empowering women, 

Especially young women, 

On their faith journeys.

I worked with an organization whose primary focus is women

And how women can use their lives to serve others on mission.

I lived, breathed, and dreamed my work with the organization 

And I believed in it so much that I chose to ignore a blaring truth:

The organization’s primary ministry partner 

Ultimately does not support women. 

 

I believed that the good outweighed the bad. 

I believed that women needed a challenging yet encouraging voice of support from within. 

I believed that I could stand in the middle between conservative and liberal beliefs. 

I believed that I could make a difference. 

And I did.

I know that. 

 

But I have come to realize that the biggest difference that was made

Was not me on the system,

But the system on me.

 

After years and years and years

Of overtly and covertly hearing and seeing

That women are inferior to men,

That women can serve in churches but not be the pastor,

That women must be submissive to their husbands no matter the cost,

That Christians should hate the sin but love the sinner,

That other religions are bad and wrong,

That Christianity is a conquest, 

That we will one day be held accountable for the souls we saved, 

That humankind is wretched and depraved and that we are nothing save for the blood of Jesus Christ,

I realized that there had to be more to the narrative. 

 

I realized that the extremely damning and negative view I had of myself 

Was suffocating and causing me to live in fear and shame and resentment.

And that’s not how I believed God wanted 

me to live.

 

Deconstructing faith is hard. 

Naming the beliefs that have influenced us, and realizing that they no longer jive with who we have become is challenging. 

This is the questioning stage of faith, 

When faith becomes our own, 

And when we no longer simply associate with the groups that have formed us. 

 

For all those years,

I did my best with the information and experience that I had.

But when the system is trying to control you and hold power over you

Through micro aggressions masked as morals and absolute truth

It’s hard to know that you need to break free.

 

May we all break free from the chains that bind 

And the deep rooted systems that try to tell us that we are less than because of 

Gender, race, sexual orientation, nationality, socioeconomic status, education level, or anything else that does not fit the 1950’s American dream. 

 

God is so much bigger than we make God

And God‘s love is so much deeper than we can comprehend.

May we learn to empower others with that love and 

May we be exactly who God made us to be—

Without a glass ceiling of limits.

 

Amen.