The Trophy File

Words are very powerful to me. Both good words and bad. Silence is very powerful to me, too. Yet I realize that silence is sometimes exactly what is needed.

Over the years, I have collected a “trophy file” of words that have wounded me in some way. I suppose that there is irony in calling it a trophy file; however, I do believe the words to be trophies—markers of the learning that has come through stupidity and mistakes, the healing that has come through time, and the redemption that has come only through the love of God.

I admit that I do think with my emotions. It’s how my brain is wired. The most important thing in the world to me is harmony in relationships—peace—connectedness—healthy closure—things between people being right--love--I love so deeply that it's ridiculous. I filter all information through this lens. Unless I stop and make myself do otherwise, I make all decisions through this lens. As such, I need people who are honest with me and who think differently than me to balance me out. I also need to be reminded that stepping back and letting time and silence take their course is sometimes the only thing that I can do. After all, relationships—no matter what kind—are always two sided.

Below are some of the words from my trophy file. You’ll notice the year I received the words and the current status of the friendship. You’ll see that while not every broken relationship has healed, many of them have—if not to the point of active friendship then to the point of peace on a spiritual level that I see in my dreams.

As I sit in Asheville with a friend today, a friend whose friendship began fifteen years ago and has weathered the course of time, I am grateful for the people in my life—past, present, and future—for the opportunity to know and to be known—even when it includes the stinging reality of hurt—and for the ability to love with God’s love—that is always willing to welcome someone home.

1999: “I don’t want to see you, talk to you, or hear from you ever again.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. Made peace a few years ago online. Friendship of mutual respect and concern for one another’s lives.

2004: “I will not endure any more from you.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though we did run into one another in 2010 and have a peaceful conversation.

2006: “I would ask you to respect, from now on, my request that you allow me to be the one to initiate contact with you, and that you do not e-mail, text, IM, call, or visit unless I do so first, without exception. Thank you in advance for not contacting me again.”
Current Status: Not in contact. At all. Five years and counting.

2007: “How can I not be angry with you, yet still have no desire to have a friendship with you? I have not figured out how to want to maintain a friendship with someone for whom I have no respect.”
Current Status: Not in contact, though ran into one another in 2011 and spoke awkwardly. Completely blocked from Facebook (as in I know she has a FB page, but to me she does not exist.)

2008: “I don't want you to contact me in any shape or form. I don't want our friendship to get any worse than it already is.”
Current Status: Very good friends. In real life and on Facebook. Made peace through time, honesty, and conversations in person and online.

2010: “You might believe in me, but I lost all respect for you a long time ago.”
Current Status: Friends on Facebook. The friendship is still rocky but it is one of ultimate care and support.

2012: “If you needed someone to trust, then you chose the right person. I love you.”
Current Status: No longer friends. Sudden cut off. No words. Less than 24 hours after normal conversation, completely blocked from Facebook and the ability to text or call. I received no explanation whatsoever.

2012: “You think with your emotions. To me, emotions cause irrational decisions and irrational logic because they change based on circumstance. If I don't trust your thinking, then I won't want your insight (which I've deemed unstable in my mind).
Current Status: Friends. In real life and on Facebook…even though the friendship challenges both of us.

God, thank you for granting us the messy beauty of relationship…and for sticking with us through thick and thin. I love you. You are steady and faithful, even when this world is not. Amen.