I’ve quietly been pondering Holy Week today. It’s been the underlying thought of my hours…Christ’s journey to the cross…how one week could move so quickly from shouts of praise to shouts of hate. Without meaning for them to do so, my thoughts came into view as I opened a window to my soul while writing an e-mail yesterday. I want to share part of that message now because it’s part of my own journey to the cross:
…I like to stay informed on what's in culture and try to find points of redemption and truth wherever I can. Sometimes this reality drives me crazy because the two sides of every issue are always fighting so hard against one another.
I think that the issue of bullying is tough. Much of the really good material on bullying has been produced by groups that Southern Baptists don’t often associate with. I've wanted to use some of the material simply because it's good material--it has nothing to do with controversial issues the surface but everything to do with respecting differences and treating people with dignity and respect--but I haven't been able to use it because of associations that some would question and hold in contempt. While we, as Christians, don’t want to get labeled as bullies, we often do...and I think it's because of the tension between right/wrong, good/bad, being in this world but not of it, speaking truth while respecting differences, sharing faith and following Christ and knowing when to leave things to God...
It's sometimes hard to know how to be true to one belief system while not damning others and standing in a judgmental place of condemnation in the process (which I don't think Jesus wanted)--especially when issues of life/death, heaven/hell, saved/unsaved come into the picture--and especially when things are extreme and polarized...with violence running rampant and individualism/consumerism/feel-goodism/entitlementism (yes I realize I'm making up words) being the norm of the day.
I think maybe this is why I try to stay informed on what's out there...to try to find common ground and weed out God's truth and grace in the middle. In counseling the other day, my counselor really upset me. She said some really hard, really difficult things and I left her office very angry and very hurt. After many years of work learning not to absolutely hate myself and think myself a horrible, terrible individual by virtue of just being alive (we're all depraved sinners, right?—isn’t that what we’re taught?—that we’re worthy of nothing save for Christ?—that we’re really horrible people without Christ’s blood?), I didn't shut down, turn the pain inward, or allow it come outward in a self-harming way. Instead, I simply prayed, "God, help me to hear what it is you want me to hear in this. Help me to hear your truth, your words, and to take from this session and these feelings what you alone would have me to take." Over the past few days, I've let her words pass through my mind and sit on my heart occasionally, praying for God's wisdom and discernment each time it’s happened, and I've been able to weed out the anger and ickiness and lies and land in a place of relative peace--even though what I had to name and accept was not easy or what I'd originally believed.
I write all of that because...well...I don't know really. Maybe because every day is this journey in seeing where God is working and what God is teaching...even when it's different than what I expect--which is a lot. It's taking in all of the information and expectations and stereotypes and negativity that are thrown my way and trying to find points of goodness and redemption and love...which is where I believe Jesus was going on his journey through life that led to the cross.
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