Confession: I Struggle To Love

Since yesterday was Memorial Day, I've felt the need to write something to mark the day and honor the men and women for whom the day is remembered. I spent yesterday in a somewhat somber mood, watching Memorial Day videos and shedding tears over the military lives lost and for families who grieve the losses. Throughout the day today, I've thought about how being remembered is something that most people desire in their lives and that being forgotten is something that most people fear. I've faced that fact head on as I've mourned the reality that I've moved from home, that I'm not going back to the camp that I love, that my life and work seem so easily replaced, that even those of us with the best intentions sometimes forget and are forgotten...

Yet moreso than those thoughts--as heavy and demanding as they've been--the one thought that keeps settling on my mind is how much I struggle to love.

Now, those of you who know me well know that I love deeply, sometimes to a fault. I try to be kind and compassionate and I have learned to live in grace. I even sometimes pride myself on my ability to welcome people and let them know that they are loved (I know, I know, pride is a bad thing)...yet...today...I must confess that I struggle to love...

those who have deeply hurt me,
those who reject the opportunity to work through their own junk,
those who refuse to have open dialogue about deep issues of life and faith,
those who think they know it all,
those who stand in harsh judgment of people they do not understand,
those who think they are better than anyone different from themselves, and
those who perpetuate hate in the name of a loving God.

Ever since a harsh sermon on Sunday morning, I have been painfully reminded just how much I struggle to love some of my brothers and sisters in Christ and some of the rest of humanity who were, indeed, created in God's image. As part of my struggle, I want both to confess my shortcomings and ask for my friends' forgiveness and to post an updated version of a prayer that I wrote on Sunday afternoon.

May this prayer and confession resonate with those of you who struggle to love, too...and may we together fall into a rhythm that allows us to love without bitterness, resentment, jealousy, or regret...

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God,

Forgive me when I judge others and do not love with your all-consuming love.

But forgive others, too, when they do the same and perpetuate a theology of judgmental, arrogant division that I find repulsive.

I dare think that you find self-absorbed conceit repulsive, too, God.

But if I'm wrong, then I ask you, again, to please forgive me for being the exact thing that I despise.

Show me your way of unconditional, creative, life-welcoming, and life-giving love...both in action and attitude.

Always.

Amen.