Where Do I Begin?

Where Do I Begin?
4/27/10

Brown desk.
Black computer.
Orange water bottle.
Green world.
Blue sky.
Purple shirt.
Red message light.
Yellow to-do list.
Jumbled colors.
Thoughts the same.

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Have you ever felt this way?

Have you ever had so much to do that you don't know where to begin; therefore, your thoughts end up in a jumbled mess that leave you feeling stuck?

In moments like this, when you don't know where to go next, take courage in knowing that you're not alone--that there are many young women in the exact same predicament--and that, in due time, we will each unjumble the mess and confidently mark of the tasks of the yellow to-do list...whether they are simple tasks such as paying a bill or more complex tasks such as planning a weekend conference or learning how to let go.

Just remember to breathe. And embrace the fact that we're not expected to conquer the world in a day. God created the world in time--not all in one fell swoop. And filled the world with color--with radiance and possibility.

Maybe we should do the same.

All You Have To Do Is Ask

In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will. Romans 8:26-27

What a beautiful promise: that the Spirit of God intercedes for us when we just don't know what to say, how to act, how to feel, or how to pray.

When you are burdened by a friend who is hurting and may not know the love and peace of Christ...

When you are pressured by your coworkers to be part of the office or school gossip, lest you become the object of the gossip...

When your boss reprimands you for making a mistake when you had no idea that you were doing anything wrong...

When you have so much on your mind that all you can do is cry because you don't even know where to begin to find words...

The Spirit of God is with you and intercedes for you with groans that words cannot express.

All you have to do is ask.

Safe Place

As I was settling into my job and writing events onto my calendar for the year, I didn't realize that having the the National Missionary Parents Fellowship Retreat in SC was an event special to this year. But it was. And I'm so glad I was able to go.

My official job was to run the AV booth, and I had a super time doing it. My unofficial job was to be a welcoming presence--someone there to talk, listen, and observe. I enjoyed doing that as well. Both of these jobs were good for me because 1) they used my gifts, talents, and interests and 2) they fit with my passions. I enjoy all things musical and have a working knowledge of operating AV equipment; I support building upon people's interests and experiences; and I believe in creating safe places for people to move and "be."

Moreso than anything I did over the weekend, though--really my part was EXTREMELY small--the Missionary Parents Fellowship created a safe place for parents/grandparents...and it was so very beautiful.

The Fellowship, that exists within individual states that come together for a retreat every two years, provides a place for missionary parents to come together and share their journeys as parents/grandparents of missionaries on the field. It is a place where raw emotion can be expressed and deep feelings released. It is a place of prayer and praise, of grief and celebration. It is a place where missionary parents can share endless pictures and stories and be totally understood. It is a place of help, encouragement, and healing. It is a safe place.

We all need safe places. We all need places we can go and be ourselves and have absolutely no fear of rejection. As Christians, we know we have that place with God and we desire to share the beauty of God's grace and love with those around us. But I think we need tangible places of safety as well--spaces on this earth where we can openly and honestly face both the ugly realities of life and beautiful joys of the same.

Where are your safe places? With a person? A group? A place of retreat? A counselor or coach's office? An online community? A place yet to be determined?

Wherever they are, be thankful today.

And...consider being a safe place for those around you: trustworthy, loving, gentle, kind, non-judgmental, non-anxious...like Christ.

Breathing Through Time

Just Breathe
3/11/07

Breathe,
you say?
but
I
do not
want
to breathe.
So the pauses
caused by my
forceful tears?
They're really
okay.
What's the point
of breathing
a pointless life
anyway?

--dd

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The Fight To Stay Present
2/13/08

My muscles are sore
from constant strain:
feet colliding with hot force,
hands tracing a line up and down the forehead
or pulling the hair on the head
or just rubbing together with intense pressure,
muscles contracting without thinking,
back quivering,
lungs forgetting to breathe.
My body is tight.
My heart aches.
My stomach stays in the land of nausea.
My brain battles to tell me:
"I am here.
I am present.
Not in yesterday
or tomorrow.
But right here."
It's just:
my brain is losing the battle
to the strength of my body
today.
And sleep,
sweet sleep,
is my only relief.

--dd

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Lovingkindness
10/2/09

Authenticity:
Realizing I am a self who part of something bigger
And accepting the fact I am not alone.

Self-care:
Slowing down to sit with the creative God of love
And to embrace the peace that comes in time.

Lovingkindness:
Breathing in all that’s bad and
Allowing Christ to filter and transform it into something pure and good…
Then breathing out and releasing hope into life and world.

--dd

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Breathe
4/21/10

When life seems unfair…it’s not…
But breathe.
When you can’t to clear your head…you eventually will…
Just breathe.
When you want to scream…just scream…
Then breathe.
When you’re in the dark and want to be in light…light will come…
So breathe.
When there’s so much excitement you can hardly contain it…let it out…
Yet breathe.
And when you feel like you're overflowing with love...simply love...
And breathe.

--as/dd

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Eternal God, Giver of life and breath, thank you for time and growth and transformation and breath. May your loving and healing Spirit continue to flow in to and out of me as You, the very breath of life,
breathe peace in to a hurting world. Amen.

It's Not Up To Me

On Tuesday morning, as I was settling back into the office after a few days away, I got into a good conversation with one of our ministry assistants, Cynthia. As we shared parts of our stories with one another, we affirmed the value of allowing life experience to be our teacher and of allowing time and words to act as healer.

I'm not exactly sure how the conversation arrived at its conclusion, but as it did, we both agreed that as much as we'd like to fix people's hurts, take away their pain, remove their obstacles, and help them embrace the love and peace of Christ, ultimately we can't.

We are each on our own journey and we each have to walk the journey for ourselves...with faithful companions of love, support, encouragement, safety, and truth along the way.

May I be that companion of God's unwavering grace...and may I focus more on the things that I CAN do instead of all the ones I can't.

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It’s Not Up To Me
Romans 8:26-27

I don’t have to make them like me
That’s not my call
I don’t have to make them listen
That’s not my call
I don’t have to mend their broken hearts
That’s not my call
I don’t have to save their souls
That’s not my call
And I thank God for it all

‘Cause I don’t know what to say
and I don’t know what to do
and I don’t know how to act
and I don’t know how to feel
Oh I don’t know what to say
But that is okay
‘Cause it’s not up to me
It’s not up to me (3x)

All I have to do is love him
That is my call
All I have to do is serve him
Even when I fall
All I have to is say
Lord, here I am
Use me for your glory
Lord, use me for your plan
Even when

I don’t know what to say
and I don’t know what to do
and I don’t know how to act
and I don’t know how to feel
When I don’t know what to say
That is okay
‘Cause it’s not up to me
It’s not up to me (3x)

I don’t have to impress them
That’s not my call
I don’t have to make them cry
That’s not my call
I don’t have to be perfect
That’s not my call
I don’t have to know all the answers
That’s not my call
And I thank God for it all

‘Cause I don’t know what to say
and I don’t know what to do
and I don’t know how to act
and I don’t know how to feel
Oh I don’t know what to say
But that is okay
‘Cause it’s not up to me
It’s not up to me (3x)

It’s all up to him...

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*Song posted on http://www.reverbnation.com/deannadeaton and the My Band tab of my Facebook page*

May We Truly Follow The You We Profess To Follow

Accepting discrimination,
on any grounds;
Allowing the end to justify the means,
however cruel or rationalized unlawful the process may be;
Going along to get along,
no matter who is stepped on along the way;
Results in greedy, egotistical,
self-centered, self-absorbed, self-gratifying
ignorantly, cowardly narcissists who are blinded to the reality of our existence.

God forgive us
for the fear, silence, loopholes, and American-dream determination
that justify the urgency to defend status quo morality
by living in complacent contradiction to the
equality, justice, and loving community that is
the You that we profess to follow.

--dd, 4/15/10

I've been listening to some challenging books lately--books that have made me think beyond my comfort zone and forced me to ask and answer some difficult theological questions.

As I was listening to the most difficult of these books--a book that explores the problem of suffering--I heard a definition of "saved" that I found very beautiful. Saved: made healthy and/or whole.

We often say that the "lost" become "saved." Yet it struck me today in chapel that I often describe myself as "lost," even though I am "saved." How can this be so?

If we take the definition of "saved" as "made healthy and whole," then when a person is "saved," she is not just given a pass to heaven--which often becomes the focus of salvation within the evangelical church--but she is given the possibility of a new life on this earth--a life that is healthy and whole--full of love and meaning.

During his lifetime, Jesus "saved" many people by healing their physical ailments--by showing them their dignity and worth on this earth--thus making their lives more livable and creating opportunities for them to better love and serve those around them--and this, to me, was being made whole.

But I imagine, though I don't know, that some of the people that Jesus saved still felt "lost" sometimes. Someone who was blind might not have been expected to do much around the house but with his eyesight he might have been expected to do things that overwhelmed him. Someone who had been banished to a leper colony might not have known how to go about living in regular society--bartering and trading, finding work, living into acceptable societal standards.

I don't know about you, but feeling overwhelmed and/or ignorant are two of the feelings that make me feel the most "lost"--lonely--wandering--floundering--anxious--yet I know that I have been "saved." God has healed me and made me whole through the love of Jesus Christ...and God continues to heal me and make me whole through the love of Jesus Christ.

To be whole next month will look different than being whole today. Pieces of life will come at me for as long as I'm alive, but they won't come together in beautiful harmony unless I allow God to work with me to make them so.

To live as a healthy person today is not enough to guarantee that I will be a healthy person tomorrow. Not only do I have to choose to make wise decisions in taking care of my body, but I also have to choose to make wise decisions in taking care of my mind, soul, and emotions. I have to allow God's grace and forgiveness and replace my natural tendency toward judgment and shame so that I can stand with a clear conscience that allows me love and serve the people around me without needing an ego stroke in return.

So maybe being "saved" isn't a one time event and maybe being "lost" isn't either, and maybe neither "saved" nor "lost" should be considered definitive categories of people.


Maybe we are "saved" each moment that we choose to admit that we're "lost."

And maybe "salvation" is as much about life on earth as it is in heaven.

My Response To The Conversation

On Monday, I posted a conversation between a youth minister and one of her former students. I didn't comment on the conversation, other than to set up the context.

Three days later, this is my response.

Could this be how "she" feels? Could this be how "they" feel? Could this be how you feel?

Could this be the reality in which we live and must navigate as we seek to make the Christ-story relevent for the world today?

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"Breathe"
4/8/10

There are things in this heart
that you cannot see:
jagged edges,
broken shards,
painful realities that poke and prod and
pinch my skin until I bleed.

(breathe)

I feel deeper than this surface world
allows me to feel...

Sometimes emotion swells up so high
that all I can do is break down and cry
invisible tears that can't leave my eyes
lest you gawk at the passion I hold inside.

(breathe)

I question deeper than faith's status quo
allows me to speak...

Sometimes thoughts race so fast inside
that they toss and tumble and loudly collide
with a noise so awful that peace can't subside
yet I stuff words in silence, my truth to hide.

(breathe)

There are things in this heart
that you cannot see:
lost love,
helpless regret,
impossible realities that taunt and nag and
pierce my soul until it bleeds.

--dd

Thinking of Kay

A few years ago, my friend and mentor, Kay, died unexpectedly. I won't go into the details surrounding her death, but I'll confess that the months following her death were some of the worst months of my life. I fell into a time of deep depression and intense questioning...and I made some really stupid decisions that profoundly altared the course of my life.

I think about Kay every day--some days more than others. And today is a day of more...primarily because this song just shuffled through my playlist...

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kLRSW4QqMJA

I never dreamed of this sorrow,
I never thought I'd have reason to lament,
I hoped I'd never know heartbreak,
How I wish I could change the way things went!
I wanted nothing but goodness,
I wanted reason to prevail,
Not this bare emptyness.
I wanted Days of Plenty.

But I refused to feel tragic,
I am aching for more than pain and grief.
There has got to be meaning,
Most of all when a life has been so brief.
I have got to learn something,
How can I give her any less?
I want life to go on.
I want Days of Plenty

You have to Believe,
There is reason for Hope.
You have to Believe
That the answers will come.
You can't let this defeat you.
I won't less this defeat you.
You must fight to keep her there,
Within you!

So Believe that she matters!
And Believe that she always will!
She will always be with you!
She'll be part of the days you've yet to feel!
She will live in your bounty!
She will live as you carry on your life!

So carry on,
Full of Hope,
She'll be there,

For all your Days of Plenty

From Christian to Agnostic?

Read the following excerpt from a conversation between a 22-year-old college student and her former youth minister. I find it eye-opening...although I'm not going to comment other than to set up the conversation.

The college student is a preacher's kid, but she hasn't spoken to her dad in well over a year. He was an emotionally and physically abusive father who had an affair and left his family for the new woman. This conversation picks up after she told her youth minister a bit about the abuse...

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That’s a lot to carry around…Knowing that dad at home and then seeing him a preacher.

"Hence my multitude of issues with church."

Yes. Understood. What are your other church issues?

"That’s mainly it…hypocrisy in general…how can I believe something someone like him taught me? How can he get his life back as a pastor after everything he’s done…I just can’t trust or believe in something that depends on faith and not being able to see the good it does when all I can see or think about is how he could call himself a Christian and church leader…I get really cynical when I do go to church to see friends and tend to roll my eyes when people say they’re praying for me or how blessed this or that is…"

That makes sense.

"I think so but I’m sure my mom wouldn’t…or she would at least follow up with some good old lecturing :-). My favorite!"

I guess you have a really hard time seeing God as Father, huh?

"I have a hard time seeing God at all…but, yeah, especially as “Father.”"

Really? So it’s not the church you struggle with, but God, too? The whole concept of faith?

"Yeah. Pretty much."

You doubt God’s existence? God’s goodness? Or what?

"I don’t know…Depends on the day…Mostly I just don’t think about it, but if I do it’s either that I reject the whole concept, I’m pissed and want nothing to do with it, or I feel like that’s just not me—like it’s not the type of person I am."

But you still want to do good in the world?

"Yeah…I like helping people out and advocating for things I’m passionate about..but I don’t go around like I’m on a mission from God or whatever."

You think anything outside of a different relationship with your dad could have changed the outcome of your faith? Anything anyone could have said or done to help you still believe?

"I don’t know…I think I was content pretending to be a Christian for so long because I was the pk but when it all boiled down to it, there was never anything real or substantial backing up that claim…It’s all just a what-if thing…What if my dad was a good guy, would I still be pretending? Would I have actually turned out to truly believe and trust God? Would I want to date/marry/be a parent? I’ve come up with a billion scenarios in the past 6 years or so but I try to stop speculating because there’s nothing I can do to change things and continuing to focus on it is just too hard."

Where does dating and marrying and having kids come into this? And. Do you considering not a Christian anymore?

"Just issues with me and my dad has made me question a lot of areas in my life…I don’t like saying it but in all honesty, I’m not a Christian…I feel like to say that I were a Christian would put me in the hypocrite category with him and I don’t want to be that person."

That makes sense. What do you not believe? Any of it? Or. It may be easier to answer what you DO believe.

"Honestly I really don’t know…I guess I fall into agnosticism now…I don’t know if I can believe parts of Christianity without buying into the whole idea…It’s definitely one of the back burner issues…It’s hard for me to say that I don’t believe in God because it’s what I was taught from birth, but at the same time considering the source, it’s hard to believe anything he’s ever taught me, which leaves me more confused…"

Thanks for being honest with me and letting me know where you are in life.

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Thoughts? Feelings? Responses?