Stopping Isn't Quitting

 

I don’t quit.

I see things through.

I don’t give up on people.

I believe in second and third and fourth chances.

 

So when I found myself feeling like I was in the wrong place in graduate school,

It was very difficult to make the decision to leave. 

But after an agonizing month or more of discernment

I have made the decision to step back from my doctoral program in January

And reevaluate my hopes and dreams and goals.

 

They say the first semester of a doctoral program is the hardest.

Adding an extensive program to an already full schedule is always difficult.

And it has definitely been difficult.

But I’ve done it, 

Albeit clumsily,

And I’ve done it well. 

I’ve just not really connected with course learning

And I’ve realized that I don’t want to spend 2 1/2 more all-consuming years 

Learning about material that I don’t truly care about.

I could. 

I could push through so that I would have the degree.

But I’ve realized, too, that I don’t have an endgame for how the degree will help me personally or professionally. 

So why devote three years of my life and a whole bunch of money to a title?

Pride.

Not wanting to quit.

Not wanting to admit that I was wrong about entering the program. 

Not wanting to regret my decision and live in the land of what if. 

Not wanting people to be disappointed in me and look down on me for not finishing what I started.

Not wanting to write this post.

 

If I’m honest,

I had heavy reservations about starting to program in the first place. 

Once I realized that it was three full years, with no breaks, 

And once I was able to look at the courses and see that they were all leadership and research, 

I began to feel trapped in something that didn’t feel right. 

 

What I thought I was going to do was become an expert on a certain topic,

Do a project that involved writing a curriculum,

Teach the curriculum, 

Conduct some before and after research, 

And see if my curriculum had made a difference. 

 

But that’s not at all what the program is designed to do. 

It’s strictly research. 

Real research. 

In-depth research. 

And leadership theory. 

And contributing to the field of scientific knowledge. 

And that’s not what I am passionate about. 

At all. 

 

I could have done it. 

With some teaching and tutoring, 

I’ve caught on pretty quickly. 

But the truth of the matter is that I don’t want to do it. 

And I don’t need to do it. 

I don’t need to make myself sick from stress

And not see friends and family for three years

For no reason 

Other than pride. 

 

And so. 

I’m stopping. 

I’m not quitting in defeat. 

I’m stopping in surrender,

Knowing that for me, 

At this point in my life,

My doctoral program is not the right fit for me. 

 

And it’s okay. 

 

Oh God. 

Help us to know the difference between quitting and stopping, 

And help us to honor the inner voice that shows us the way. 

For You are in that voice, 

And you are not in pride. 

Amen.