Obstacles to Grace

 I’ve been thinking a lot about obstacles to grace recently, and I’ve realized something: I am my own biggest obstacle to grace.

 

Growing up and all through my twenties, I didn’t like myself very much. I believed that nothing I did was ever good enough, and I was filled with a deep sense of shame over that constant feeling of missing the mark—over the constant dread that I, myself, was bad.

 

Outwardly, I excelled. Inwardly, I believed that I MUST excel lest I lose love and friendship. Outwardly, I gave amazing gifts and went out of my way to show up and help fix those around me. Inwardly, I believed that I MUST give amazing gifts and go out of my way to show up and help fix those around me lest, again, I lose love and friendship.

 

I grew up hearing about God. I grew up knowing that “God so loved the world that he gave his only begotten son so that whosoever believed in him should not perish but have eternal life.” I grew up hearing that grace and salvation were a gift—that nothing we could ever do could earn what had already been given. And yet somewhere along the way, there was a major disconnect between the grace that God gives through Jesus Christ and the grace that I could give to myself—or that others could give to me. 

 

It took my first cut-off friendship to begin to understand grace…and even then, I didn’t fully grasp the depth of it. Can we ever fully grasp of the depth of it?

 

To put it simply: I didn’t understand boundaries until I began counseling at age 29. I didn’t understand that I couldn’t “fix” other people and I didn’t understand that not everyone wants depth and intensity in friendship all the time. So when I was cut-off—when a dear friend told me that she no longer wanted to see me, hear from me, or talk to me again—I was devastated. My entire sense of self went awry and I didn’t know how to function. I had failed. And that failure had caused one of my biggest fears to come true—losing love and friendship.

 

And yet. I began to learn about grace. I began to learn that true love and friendship don’t come from performance—they aren’t bought—they aren’t earned—they aren’t forced—they have boundaries—they are given—and they must be received—just like the love of Christ.

 

I have grown leaps and bounds since age 29. I still have moments when I don’t like myself very much—don’t we all?—but for the most part, I have accepted my quirks and idiosyncrasies. I have accepted that nothing I do will ever be good enough for everyone but that as long as I’m doing my best, I am okay. And that deep sense of shame that I carried for so long is now only a quiet whisper. It tries to yell at me sometimes—to tell me that I am bad—but God’s gentle but strong whisper of unconditional love is much louder and stronger.

 

Somewhere along the way, I made the connection between the grace God gives through Jesus Christ and the grace that I can give to myself—and that others can give to me.

 

And I am so very glad.