I have spent a good portion of this week sorting through and making a "library list" of the books in my office. While this task had been on my long-range to do list, I decided to do it this week because...well...I don't really know why. I think it's because I'm assuming two new (huge) responsibilities at work and I wanted to make sure that what I already had was in order before trying to do anything else.
I've worked with WMU for over a year now. I've focused on Acteens and dabbled in growth and learned more than I ever knew there was to learn about WMU. As of Monday, I reliquished my growth responsibilities to someone much more capable than me and picked up the title of Missions Link editor and Project Help I don't know what the title is. While editing/writing fits much more with my giftedness and Project Help hooks into my passion for social justice, both jobs are new to me, demand a lot of attention, are "outward" focused, and can be more easily judged than my work with growth. Performance anxiety is already setting in and my extreme fear of failure is rearing its nasty head. And so...I'm making a library list of the books in my office in order to feel a sense of accomplishment and gain some sense of control when my job responsibilities have become, once again, daunting and unknown.
I started my library project late Tuesday afternoon and made great strides. I went home that night feeling good about my progress and excited to finish yesterday. As the day wore on yesterday, though, and the books that didn't look like many kept piling up, and copyright dates and publishers weren't easily found, and the floor and all surfaces of my desk piled up with stuff, and my office became increasingly dirty, and the project seemed as if it would never end, I began to feel discouraged. Before I left last night, I tidied the floor and my desk and finished inventorying almost all of the books, yet I knew that it would all be waiting for me when I got to work today. And sure enough...it was.
Already tired from a night of restless dreams, discouraged by the mess that is my office, and overwhelmed by the reality of my new job titles, I peeled off the pages of the desk calendar that got neglected yesterday. Yesterday's message said:
The thing that is so disconcerting about cleaning is that it just never gets done. As soon as we do it, we can start all over again. Each month this year, we will look at new options for appropaching cleaning that may give us a new perspective. To fight cleaning takes a lot of energy. Perhaps everyone can be happier.
And then today's message said:
Every woman who does too much has moments of just wanting to "get away from it all." Now that we know these feelings are normal, where do we go from here? Each month this year, we will take a look at contructive ways of dealing with these feelings.
In wanting to get away from it all, I decided to clean. But cleaning takes a lot of energy and never gets done. So I suppose my constructive way of dealing with this all is to cut on some music, finish my library project, feel proud of the accomplishment, marvel in the beauty of a newly cleaned and organized office, begin my new jobs by taking one step at a time--one messy, cluttering step--and then doing it all over again...praying for God's spirit to infiltrate this process of life with light and love and purpose and everything good that's in between.
What about you? How do you deal with your feelings when you feel overwhelmed and want to "get away from it all"? And how do you handle the disconcerting endlessness of cleaning?
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