Graduation Dreams

 

I often dream that I’m not going to graduate from college. 

All of my friends are going to graduate 

But I’m not going to get my degree  

Because I either didn’t go to a class for an entire semester

Or I didn’t do the class projects because I was too anxious or depressed. 

I don’t know why I dream this as often as I do. 

I’m sure someone can interpret the dreams. 

But I think it’s interesting that the dreams are tied to my anxiety

Because my anxiety disorder was not diagnosed

Until well after college. 

 

Tomorrow marks my 26th college graduation anniversary. 

I’m happy that I WAS able to walk the stage with my friends 

And that I graduated with highest honors. 

But, looking back, I can see definite times when my anxiety was out of control. 

Instead of making me skip class, 

My anxiety made me go to every class. 

Early. 

And instead of not doing class projects, 

My anxiety made me spend hours on them, attempting to achieve perfection. 

I can remember my chest getting tight and me feeling like I couldn’t breathe during band and chorus performances. 

At the time, I didn’t know that I was having minor panic attacks;

I just feared that feeling and hoped it wouldn’t happen. 

And I can remember fearing that the people in my life were going to die, 

Which is one of the ways that the anxiety disorder manifests itself in my life.

 

May is Mental Health Awareness month, 

Yet I am one of many who is very aware of her mental health every day. 

If you don’t deal with 

Generalized anxiety disorder, 

Major depressive disorder,

Bipolar disorder, 

Disordered eating, 

Personality disorders,

Obsessive compulsive disorder,

Panic disorder, 

Agoraphobia, 

Or any other of the many mental health issues 

Be thankful. 

If you do,

Know that you’re not alone. 

 

I’m thankful for people in my life who have helped me succeed. 

My professors in college, divinity school, and graduate school

Were gracious to me and wanted me to flourish.

I don’t know if they were concerned about my anxiety level or

If they just thought I was an overachiever. 

Either way, they helped me learn and grow 

Until I could name my anxiety and begin to deal with it. 

 

May WE support and help out one another 

In ways that are healthy, 

Especially when mental health is concerned. 

 

Amen.